Finding a compromise? Any tips?!

meer53

Brighton_belle wrote: »

But this completely ignores that her DH is insisting she does cancel the plans? So spending the day just with her daughter isn't going to be much fun, it would be rife with upset.
The problem wouldn't be big if her and DH were on the same page. they are not.

I agree.

But if the OP caves in and cancels her plans, the DH will carry on doing what he wants, regardless of whats been arranged already. Someone has to put the DD first here and i feel it should be the OP.

They will never be on "the same page" if she gives in. Her daughter is 4, i'm sure she won't mind spending a day with just her Mummy and her friends, she probably won't even notice that Daddy isn't there.

theoretica

Would it help cut down on last minute plan changes if you booked as much as possible as soon as you had made the plans? For instance if you had already booked the overnight for your daughter's trip?

liney

theoretica wrote: »

I think perhaps your background in hospitality is making you too hospitable! I can see that an overnight trip would be hard when they come to stay, but think you could stick to your plans about everything else. And agree, clearing out the bedrooms is OH's problem!

I can't quote the pink but not inviting the set of grandparents, who see their granddaughter twice a week, to her birthday party is out of order IMO.

Brighton_belle

liney wrote: »

I can't quote the pink but not inviting the set of grandparents, who see their granddaughter twice a week, to her birthday party is out of order IMO.

Not if they are decent, warm and kind people who understand the strain and difficulty of the situation: my parents would have immediately understood and not batted an eyelid at not coming.

Mojisola

Brighton_belle wrote: »

Not if they are decent, warm and kind people who understand the strain and difficulty of the situation: my parents would have immediately understood and not batted an eyelid at not coming.

Mine wouldn't have either. My parents lived locally so they always gave my in-laws priority for special occasions because they saw the grandchildren so often.

*max*

liney wrote: »

I can't quote the pink but not inviting the set of grandparents, who see their granddaughter twice a week, to her birthday party is out of order IMO.

I don't know if it's the done thing here in the UK, but when I was a kid, I had a birthday party with my school friends (which I'm assuming is what is happening with OP?), then a separate birthday lunch/dinner with the family, including whichever grandparents/cousins/aunts and uncles were close enough to come. No grand affair at all, or any particular planning involved (apart from cake!). We were over at family's houses all the time anyway.

notanewuser

liney wrote: »

I can't quote the pink but not inviting the set of grandparents, who see their granddaughter twice a week, to her birthday party is out of order IMO.

Wouldn't happen. Them calling in for a cuppa and to see DD blow out her candle is no effort for me at all. They ever, ever make work for me. Even my nan, in her 80s, will stay in a hotel rather than burden us or my parents when she comes to stay. If DH's parents would do that there wouldn't be an issue.

thorsoak

Trouble is, you are trying to put two families who operate in diametrically opposed methods into the same mould - it won't work!

You and your OH are going to have to work out some sort of compromise to deal with these situations as they arise in future, but this time I would advise that you take the initiative and make contact with the outlaws (sorry - inlaws). Phone them, tell them that OH has been a numpty and mixed up dates completely and it is just not going to be convenient for this weekend and suggest November.

It will get OH off the hook this time - but you do have to sort it out for the future.

notanewuser

*max* wrote: »

I don't know if it's the done thing here in the UK, but when I was a kid, I had a birthday party with my school friends (which I'm assuming is what is happening with OP?), then a separate birthday lunch/dinner with the family, including whichever grandparents/cousins/aunts and uncles were close enough to come. No grand affair at all, or any particular planning involved (apart from cake!). We were over at family's houses all the time anyway.

DD's gathering is of her birth friends, not school friends. They're effectively her siblings, and are so close they literally need nothing more than each other. I'll do some sandwiches and make her cake. It will either happen at a local public garden (if dry) or at home (if wet). A couple hours of watching the sheer joy of them all playing together and getting excited about cake. Bliss.

We would usually then travel 300 miles north and stay in a hotel shortly after DD's birthday, and meet up with the extended family for Sunday lunch. We won't be able to do that till November this year because of other things going on in October, but that's been the pattern.

notanewuser

theoretica wrote: »

Would it help cut down on last minute plan changes if you booked as much as possible as soon as you had made the plans? For instance if you had already booked the overnight for your daughter's trip?

I suggested it as an idea on Monday. DH was then working away from Tues - Thurs and told me on Friday of his alternate plans.