How often do you see your (adult) children when they're not living with you?

Svenena

I live 3 or 4 miles away from my mum and visit every few weeks, probably less than once a month. I'm 31. I speak to her on the phone maybe once or twice a month.

rjhammond91

I live about 110 miles away from my mum and see her as much as possible. Normally once every 2/3 months.

shelley_crow

In laws live 2 miles away and we only seem to see them on special occasions.

physicsgirl

My parents live ~100 miles away (nearly 2 hour drive) and I see them every 2-3 weekends (although it does vary, I saw them last weekend, seeing them this weekend AND next!). OH's parents live ~450 miles away (7 hours on the train) and he sees them 6-8 times a year. We're both in our early 20s and no kids so I expect this will change as the years go by.

OP: I had a falling out with my mum within a couple of months after I moved out because "I hadn't made enough effort" - talk to your son and let him know how you feel but ultimately if you pressure him into seeing you more then he'll feel smothered and you'll drift apart. I do understand it's upsetting and a big change for you, but I think you should make the most of YOUR freedom - get involved in something you enjoy, it'll take your mind off things, make you happy and give you more to talk to your son about when you do see him. My mum seems to do so much now I'm surprised she has time for me!

noelphobic

lilmissreading wrote: »

Ah, OP, maybe he just means that you have both got in a rut and not appreciating time together and that if you planned to do things together, you could both appreciate that time more?

Obs, don't know what you usually do, but if it always at home maybe he means the odd night out for a meal or drink? A walk on a Sunday? A trip to the cinema or theatre? Renting/recording a programme you both enjoy? Me and my dad usually have frantic phone/email conversations about Strictly come dancing and try to watch the final together with a takeaway of m&s special, if not watch the christmas special together. My brother, DH and i all try to watch Dr Who together. Not exciting but it's one of the shared experiences for us. Go figure!

Maybe he hasn't realised how much you enjoy the time together. In my early pg my mother came over just to watch TV in the same room as me as I had gone all hermit like with fatigue and sickness. I really didn't understand this but she explained it meant a lot to her as otherwise she felt pushed out even though it was the pg symptoms not her or me.

We do go out for meals together from time to time (although the last time we did we ended up having the row that brought this topic to the fore!) We used to go the cinema fairly often when he was younger but when he got to around 15 he said he didn't want to do that any more as he was too old to go with his mum. He did make an exception to that rule a couple of times after that when we went on holiday.

We don't really like the same TV programmes. We used to go the theatre together quite a lot when he was younger but very rarely these days. I walk quite a lot but he walks a lot faster than me! I think things would definitely be easier if we had more things in common. He is really into sport and so is his dad (but I'm most definitley not!)

I could cope with him wanting to shake things up a bit and do different things together. I think it's a really good idea. It's him saying that he wants to see me less often which really hurts.

Other things were said too, which I don't really want to go into.

noelphobic

SavingPennies wrote: »

I think it's partly do do with circumstances and gender. I know its generalising, but I'd say women, especially women with young children who live near their mothers probably see them a lot more more often than men. Assuming he previously always lived with you at 26 this is his first taste of "freedom" and he is probably enjoying spending time with mates/girlfriend and relishing having his own place. I'm sure it's nothing personal to you, he probably doesnt even realise how upset you are.

The men I know who live within a few miles of their parents see them about once a week. I see mine every few months but thats because I live in another city.

I do definitely think it's something to do with gender. There's something in the old saying 'a son's a son till he gets him a wife, a daughter's a daughter for life.'

He moved away for uni at 18. He came home in the holidays and I visited him several times a year. He never seemed that keen for me to visit, or to come home. It was like he'd been let out of prison.

He came home after uni and was here for about three years. He moved out again into a shared house a couple of years ago and now lives with his girlfriend.

His girlfriend doesn't live very close to either of her parents (who are divorced), and doesn't see them very often. I think that has influenced what he's said to a certain extent.

I have friends with daughters who go shopping, for spa days and for weekends away. I feel quite jealous of that, even though I wouldn't swap my son for the word.

ShootForTheMoon

I'm 26 and live about 150 miles from my parents...

I love my Mum and Dad to bits and wouldn't be where I am without them... So, I make a conscious effort to go home for at least one overnight stay (2 full days) in every 10 days (shift worker - so 10 days is the equivalent of my working "week" as such) during this time I'll also call to see my grandparents for a few hours en route.

It benefits me as I get spoilt rotten, fed well, often sent home with goodies etc. and means we still get time together in our busy lives!

The only time I don't go home is if my days off fall in a weekend (when OH is off) as we generally go away or have plans - although this sometimes involves at least one set of parents/in-laws!!

We're a close family and all firm believers in staying strong as a team - very lucky in that respect I guess!!

Shoot x

Person_one

noelphobic wrote: »

I do definitely think it's something to do with gender. There's something in the old saying 'a son's a son till he gets him a wife, a daughter's a daughter for life.'

He moved away for uni at 18. He came home in the holidays and I visited him several times a year. He never seemed that keen for me to visit, or to come home. It was like he'd been let out of prison.

He came home after uni and was here for about three years. He moved out again into a shared house a couple of years ago and now lives with his girlfriend.

His girlfriend doesn't live very close to either of her parents (who are divorced), and doesn't see them very often. I think that has influenced what he's said to a certain extent.

I have friends with daughters who go shopping, for spa days and for weekends away. I feel quite jealous of that, even though I wouldn't swap my son for the word.

Is he working Monday to Friday? If so, I expect it would actually be quite draining knowing that on one of your two days off you're expected to always use it to visit someone else, you'd have to always make sure the rest of your weekend plans could be more or less done in one day, all your housework, shopping, socialising etc.

If you're always expected to go home on a Sunday afternoon then you can never go out and have too much to drink on Saturday night knowing that you can spend Sunday in your pyjamas watching crap TV and nursing your hangover. You can't just leave the washing and ironing till tomorrow and do something spontaneous etc. Having a completely free and clear weekend ahead of you with nothing planned and nowhere you have to be is one of life's joys when it happens!

Maybe he's right, maybe if you did see each other less often but both really appreciated that time, your relationship would actually be better.

Who do you see apart from your son? I know it must be hard at first, but I do think your expectations are quite high

The saying about sons and daughters isn't true at all, generalisations based on arbitrary things like gender very rarely are. These things vary based on the family, not on the sex of the child. As an example my brother sees my parents far more frequently than I do, twice a week or more I'd say.

LisaLou1982

noelphobic wrote: »

I have a 26 year old son who currently lives 3 or 4 miles away. We both live very close to train stations and the trains run every 15 minutes, taking around 15 minutes for the journey.

I have a car and usually take him home when he visits. He has been visiting once a week on average since he last moved out. He has now said this is very 'manufactured' and he would like to see me less often and spend quality time together doing 'stuff'.

I'm very hurt by this as I live alone and brought him up alone from when he was a few months old.

I think i can try and put a different spin on this one for you OP.

Is your son an only child?

I am, and moved out of home when i was 18 and never went back to mum n dads. I always saw them, but never on a fixed day/time. I just usually saw them once a week, whenever was convenient. Sometimes itd be twice in a week and then not for a fortnight.

Dad has since died and i still try and see mum once a week. She does her own thing a lot of the time, but we still see each other. I would feel a bit stifled if i always felt i had to see her on a Saturday for 4 hours. So like your son, i would much rather go and see her for a catch up, even if its not once a week, than feel obliged to have to go round.

If mum called and asked me to go and see her, then of course, i would. But part of the reason we do see each other so often is because there is no expectation that i HAVE to go and see her on a Saturday, or whenever. It comes naturally for me to think, ...ooh i'll pop round and see mum tomorrow as ive not seen her this week, rather than.... oh god, ive got loads to do, ive been busy at work all week and i need to get the house cleaned/go shopping etc.

Do you go and see him as well? Maybe you could try and relax a little about the visits being regimented and enjoy the telephone call when he calls to say he'll pop round for a cuppa or whatever. If mum pops round here, we often dont know until last minute and its nice for us to all eat dinner together. Its not a planned or particularly long visit, but its nice to catch up

noelphobic

ShootForTheMoon wrote: »

I'm 26 and live about 150 miles from my parents...

I love my Mum and Dad to bits and wouldn't be where I am without them... So, I make a conscious effort to go home for at least one overnight stay (2 full days) in every 10 days (shift worker - so 10 days is the equivalent of my working "week" as such) during this time I'll also call to see my grandparents for a few hours en route.

It benefits me as I get spoilt rotten, fed well, often sent home with goodies etc. and means we still get time together in our busy lives!

The only time I don't go home is if my days off fall in a weekend (when OH is off) as we generally go away or have plans - although this sometimes involves at least one set of parents/in-laws!!

We're a close family and all firm believers in staying strong as a team - very lucky in that respect I guess!!

Shoot x

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