How often do you see your (adult) children when they're not living with you?

Old_Joe

My wife and I feel very fortunate that all the family come on Sundays, staying much of the day doing their 'own thing' while here, but that we all sit around the lunch table chit chatting exchanging news reminiscing and joking with each other.
This includes two grandchildren in their late twenties who, when the left school and started work said they would never work on Sundays as to them it is 'the family day'.
In reality they do, once in a blue moon', have to go into work for part of a Sunday but it's most unusual that they miss their roast dinner.

Dustykitten

Great thread OP and I hope you find a situation you are both happy with.

My advice though is give him space. I have found the subtle disappointment my mother has constantly shown at mine and my sister's lack of visits stiffling and detimental to our relationship. Her friends see their adult children most days and she would like the same. The fact is our relationship is not that strong. Nothing short of 3 hours is considered a visit. A lot of the visit involves her moaning about something, she shows little interet in any of our lives but wants to tell us all about her neighbour's dog etc. I see her roughly once a fortnight, my sister less often and rarely look foward to the occasion.

Those who visit regularly, how long is each visit for? Do you enjoy it or do it out of 'duty'?

MadDogWoman_2

Not a duty, I forgot add to my original post that my parents lived with my and DH for 6 years. So saw them all the time then; when they did move out I wasn't a regular visitor as I needed a break. Got to the point I'd get calls checking we were still alive!

They pop round here we pop there, all very relaxed. No expectation of visit length, could be 5 minutes could be an hour or more; it depends on what we're all doing.

I've added their names to our caravan booking for next summer so they have the flexibility to come and visit if they wish, the only cost to them will be petrol and spends. Still wouldn't be spending all day with them though.

noelphobic

Fluzz wrote: »

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Trouble with me is they raised a very independent solitary sort. The fact I live with my hubby is basically enough human contact I need on a day to day basis (more than enough some days!) so it doesn't often occur to seek out more. Also, I don't watch TV and when I do go out we always have a meal round the table then just sit on the sofa with the telly on, which tends to stifle conversation a bit. I've recently decided to make much more of an effort, though, so we'll see how that goes.

I think I've also raised an independent solitary sort! You sound very much like my son - are you sure you're not his girlfriend!:D

noelphobic

Old_Joe wrote: »

My wife and I feel very fortunate that all the family come on Sundays, staying much of the day doing their 'own thing' while here, but that we all sit around the lunch table chit chatting exchanging news reminiscing and joking with each other.
This includes two grandchildren in their late twenties who, when the left school and started work said they would never work on Sundays as to them it is 'the family day'.
In reality they do, once in a blue moon', have to go into work for part of a Sunday but it's most unusual that they miss their roast dinner.

My son would probably consider that to be 'manufactured', which I don't agree with at all. I expect he'd enjoy it more if there were more people here though but it's too late for me to have any more kids and I don't think he's planning to have any for a couple of years (if anyone was wondering, I'm not putting pressure on him to procreate!)

lilmissreading

I think the appearance of granchildren do make a difference.

DH and his family love to sit around talking about what I view as the little things - what they bought in a shop, how much they paid etc. I find this tedious and zone out.

My mum is fascinated in my life and likes to hear what I am up to. Sadly I am not too interested in my life either (having lived it and spoken to DH about it!) so conversation can feel effortful for me. I have a job where I have to respect confidentiality, plus my style of coping is to leave work problems at work so don't want to discuss them at home. If we discuss mum's job it feels like we go round and round the same issues regardless of where she is working.

We struggle with 'traditional' girl activities - she does not enjoy cooking, spas, eating (food is fuel for her) or drinking alcohol. I do not like shopping, jewellery, clothes, make up, perfume enough to want to craft an activity around that either! Going for coffee is normally a safe bet.

Funnily enough seeing dad is sometimes the best as he is pretty self absorbed, so the pressure is off...we end up discussing TV, current affairs, the state of the world, money, my brothers.

I used to visit parents much more, this changed when I bought a house so could offer hospitality in return. Where we meet is now consensually agreed. Again pg has changed some parameters depending on how well I am feeling.

Sorry to hear you had an upsetting conversation with your DS OP. However, I suppose it's better to have it out then it be something that festers and he just drifts without you knowing why? This is hopefully an opportunity for you both to find a new way of being together (can understand why it's hurtful, so not dismissing that).

noelphobic

lilmissreading wrote: »

Going for coffee is normally a safe bet.

Sorry to hear you had an upsetting conversation with your DS OP. However, I suppose it's better to have it out then it be something that festers and he just drifts without you knowing why? This is hopefully an opportunity for you both to find a new way of being together (can understand why it's hurtful, so not dismissing that).

He doesn't even like coffee.

I love your last paragraph. I'm really hoping that that is what happens. The fact that we're still talking, although it's difficult, gives me hope for the future.

I think whatever happens now will change in the future depending on what happens with his career and if and when he has children. My sister has 2 grandchildren under a year old so I'm grandchild broody now, although I know it's not the right time for him yet.

angelil

I live in France, while my parents live in the UK, so my views probably don't count But for what it's worth, I'd say I see them about as often as I did when I was at university - so around 3 or 4 times a year.

My sister lives in London, while my parents live about 25 miles away. She sees them probably once every 4-8 weeks: she's a doctor, so works erratic shifts.

HurdyGurdy

My daughter (and grand-daughter) live three miles away from us. Their flat is about a five minute walk from my office, which they pass whenever they go anywhere.

So - I can "see" them walking past the office on the way to nursery two mornings a week, and nine times out of ten, my grand-daughter *needs* a cuddle on her way past :happyhear

We see them every weekend, and if I manage to get out of work at a reasonable hour, they will come over one evening each week.

I have no idea what it will be like when my two sons leave home though. I guess they'll come for a visit when their money has run out and they're hungry or need some washing done :rotfl:

Vickimichelle

It depends tbh, he will call me for help (something DIY or needs a lift somewhere) if he needs it & i'll pop round or i'll have my granddaughter for the day if they can't get her into nursery.

They both go to college full time & my granddaughter is only 2 so they have a busy life as do I (have 2 toddlers myself). I do like to invite them round for dinner once a month so we can have a proper catch up.