How often do you see your (adult) children when they're not living with you?

noelphobic

Person_one wrote: »

Is he working Monday to Friday? If so, I expect it would actually be quite draining knowing that on one of your two days off you're expected to always use it to visit someone else, you'd have to always make sure the rest of your weekend plans could be more or less done in one day, all your housework, shopping, socialising etc.

If you're always expected to go home on a Sunday afternoon then you can never go out and have too much to drink on Saturday night knowing that you can spend Sunday in your pyjamas watching crap TV and nursing your hangover. You can't just leave the washing and ironing till tomorrow and do something spontaneous etc. Having a completely free and clear weekend ahead of you with nothing planned and nowhere you have to be is one of life's joys when it happens!

Maybe he's right, maybe if you did see each other less often but both really appreciated that time, your relationship would actually be better.

Who do you see apart from your son? I know it must be hard at first, but I do think your expectations are quite high

The saying about sons and daughters isn't true at all, generalisations based on arbitrary things like gender very rarely are. These things vary based on the family, not on the sex of the child. As an example my brother sees my parents far more frequently than I do, twice a week or more I'd say.

He doesn't see me at the weekend very often. It's usually one evening in the week.

I'm not sure what you mean about my expectations being high? I'm not being confrontational, I'm genuinely puzzled.

I see my friends and talk to them quite often. I do a lot of voluntary work so keep very busy with that. I do feel lonely at times and do have long standing problems with depression, which doesn't help the situation.

I wouldn't say that the generalisation of the difference between sons' and daughters' relationships with their parents is completely wrong. It varies from person to person but I do think girls tend to spend more time with their parents than boys do, dependent on geography. I also think that when grandchildren come into the picture then the maternal grandparents are more likely to be involved.

That's not a pop at men in general or at paternal grandparents by any means!

noelphobic

LisaLou1982 wrote: »

I think i can try and put a different spin on this one for you OP.

Is your son an only child?

I am, and moved out of home when i was 18 and never went back to mum n dads. I always saw them, but never on a fixed day/time. I just usually saw them once a week, whenever was convenient. Sometimes itd be twice in a week and then not for a fortnight.

Dad has since died and i still try and see mum once a week. She does her own thing a lot of the time, but we still see each other. I would feel a bit stifled if i always felt i had to see her on a Saturday for 4 hours. So like your son, i would much rather go and see her for a catch up, even if its not once a week, than feel obliged to have to go round.

If mum called and asked me to go and see her, then of course, i would. But part of the reason we do see each other so often is because there is no expectation that i HAVE to go and see her on a Saturday, or whenever. It comes naturally for me to think, ...ooh i'll pop round and see mum tomorrow as ive not seen her this week, rather than.... oh god, ive got loads to do, ive been busy at work all week and i need to get the house cleaned/go shopping etc.

Do you go and see him as well? Maybe you could try and relax a little about the visits being regimented and enjoy the telephone call when he calls to say he'll pop round for a cuppa or whatever. If mum pops round here, we often dont know until last minute and its nice for us to all eat dinner together. Its not a planned or particularly long visit, but its nice to catch up

He's my only child and it was only the two of us from when he was a few months old. He has 2 older half brothers (from his dad's former marriage), although he doesn't see them very often.

He was my second child as my first child (a girl) was stillborn. He also has serious health problems himself.

The visits have never been particularly regimented - it's not a set day or time - although I think he does feel like they are. I do visit him sometimes but don't often have a meal there. I pointed out that I don't get invited there that often - although I know I wouldn't necessarily need an invite as such. He has said he will invite me there more often.

Person_one

noelphobic wrote: »

I'm not sure what you mean about my expectations being high? I'm not being confrontational, I'm genuinely puzzled.

Sorry, I meant that I think expecting a weekly visit from an adult child is quite a high expectation. Its probably due to the proximity, if he lived 100 miles away, or it took him 2 hours on a train, you probably wouldn't expect him to travel to see you every single week.

Out of interest, how often did you visit your own parents when you were a young adult with your own home?

lostinrates

Given equal proximity and circumstance I bet DH would chose to see his father more often I'd choose to see my parents!


Quite often on whether to have children or not people raise the issue of whether or not children should be expected to 'look out' for parents and people tend to sat its the wrong reason to hVe children but they hope their kids won't forget them.

I think making adult children feel 'constrained' over this contact is a poor idea. Your son has been honest with you, which shows tremendous faith, trust and live in your relationship. Now you both need to find how to move forward in a way that suits you both more. Maybe ask him for suggestions.

Stephb1986_2

I live 25 miles away from my parents and try to see them as often as I can usually once a fortnight we'll go for a meal out. But at the moment I'm seeing my mum everyday as I'm between jobs and she needs a hand with things

noelphobic

Person_one wrote: »

Sorry, I meant that I think expecting a weekly visit from an adult child is quite a high expectation. Its probably due to the proximity, if he lived 100 miles away, or it took him 2 hours on a train, you probably wouldn't expect him to travel to see you every single week.

Out of interest, how often did you visit your own parents when you were a young adult with your own home?

Good question about how often I visited my own parents, as I was thinking about this myself - if I told you how long it was since I was a 'young adult' I would have to kill you!

I worked away from home between the ages of 19 and 26 at various places around the country. I lived at home in between jobs and otherwise probably visited 4 or 5 times a year.

I moved home after I lost my first baby and lived with my parents for a year or two. I then moved into a flat a mile or two away and saw them once a week or so - thinking about it, they very rarely visited me, I always visited them.

I moved in with my son's dad when I was pregnant. It wasn't that far away but difficult to get to by public transport and I didn't drive at the time. I did see them quite often though - maybe once a fortnight at the most on average.

After I split up with my son's dad i moved in with my parents for around 2 years and then got my own flat. I saw them a lot after that, partly because my mum looked after my son when I was at work.

I saw them a lot in the last few years of their lives, as they both had serious health problems.

I bet you're sorry you asked now! :eek:

noelphobic

lostinrates wrote: »

Given equal proximity and circumstance I bet DH would chose to see his father more often I'd choose to see my parents!


Quite often on whether to have children or not people raise the issue of whether or not children should be expected to 'look out' for parents and people tend to sat its the wrong reason to hVe children but they hope their kids won't forget them.

I think making adult children feel 'constrained' over this contact is a poor idea. Your son has been honest with you, which shows tremendous faith, trust and live in your relationship. Now you both need to find how to move forward in a way that suits you both more. Maybe ask him for suggestions.

I agree that you shouldn't have children just because you want someone to look after you in your old age. Having said that, I think there's something in the adage 'look after your children, they get to choose your care home''!

I agree about us needing to find a way forward as I've used that expression myself in conversations with him. I need to find a way past the hurt before I can get to that point though. I did ask him for suggestions but still not got an answer.

code-a-holic

Amazed how often some people see their parents! I live 7 miles from my mum and can go 6 months without any contact. In laws live abroad and see once a year. My dad lives with us but can still go a few days without seeing him!

[Deleted User]

I'm surprised at how many people see their parents a lot too. I'm an only child, moved out for uni (about 45 minutes away) at 17 and I'm 29 now. Still live in the same city I moved out to. I love my folks and would say we're very close but I don't see them that often.

When I moved out I still had a job at home so I spent every weekend at home with them. As a 17/18 year old first year at uni, leaving the halls every weekend to go home wasn't that great and sometimes I resented it as I missed out on forming closer relationships with my flatmates but it wasn't that big a deal.

I moved in to a flat by myself for second year but this co-incided with meeting my first boyfriend and getting a job in my uni city so my trips home become very very infrequent. In fact I daresay any contact at all was rare. Now 10/11 years on, boyfriend isn't all shiny and new anymore (although he is reasonably new as a husband ) and I try to make sure I text at least once a day and see them perhaps once a month or so.

I do feel bad at not having more contact with them, as I get hints that they'd like more. My mum always called her mum every day. Trouble with me is they raised a very independent solitary sort. The fact I live with my hubby is basically enough human contact I need on a day to day basis (more than enough some days!) so it doesn't often occur to seek out more. Also, I don't watch TV and when I do go out we always have a meal round the table then just sit on the sofa with the telly on, which tends to stifle conversation a bit. I've recently decided to make much more of an effort, though, so we'll see how that goes.

meritaten

my mother lives about a mile away. I see her once a week. (I don't really get on with her so that is more than enough for me). my kids, both my sons live within a five minute walk - I may see them once a week or more. my DD lives about a twenty minute drive away. I see her at least once a week.
tbh, I see DILs more than I see sons, as I mind the grandkids and its the DILs who drop them off. twice/three times a week? but we do phone or text a lot!
I think that's ok. I don't want to live in their pockets and they are grown-ups and got their own families.