Tired of arguments

jayII

I'd try to take a step back, it sounds like you're both stuck in a certain way of reacting/responding to each other.

For example:

If she doesn't want what you're going to cook then keep a stock of basic foods (such as pasta, tinned tomato sauce and cheese) in. Then you can cook your planned meal for yourself and tell her she's free to cook an alternative for herself from the stock cupboard.

If she won't leave you alone when you want peace, go for a walk or to the gym (cheap pay as you go gym?). In an ideal world you shouldn't have to, it will give you space, help you to relax, and make you feel empowered so you're more able to stand up for yourself. You'll feel better for it and better able to cope with her moods. She might even follow your example after a while.

aileth

elsien wrote: »

Sounds to me a bit like you want things doing to your standards at the time of your choosing. You said earlier you like the washing up doing straight away, she'd do it last thing at night. As long as she does it, does it matter when? I'm a last thing at night person as well (tbh it's quite often left till the next day.) And if my partner was nagging me as soon as I'd finished eating I'd get the hump as well. You can't dictate everything. Maybe your wife is resenting your attitude but being immature about how she expresses it. The fine art of compromise does go both ways, and I think both of you want your heads banging together.

Definitely agree with this to a certain extent. Me and OH split chores. He does a bit more than me, but I take care of all the financial side of things.

I used to always do washing up after I'd finished eating and it used to do my nut in that he'd leave it. At the start he would leave it for 4-5 days before I got annoyed and just did it myself. Now they are left maximum 12 hours soaking, and that's only because he lives in the dark ages and thinks that's how long a bit of pasta sauce needs to soak-off with fairy liquid.

They get done, that's all that matters. As long as we don't run out of cutlery etc, he can do it at his own pace.

I cook 99% of meals and thoroughly enjoy doing so because of my OH's reaction. When she has cooked for you, have you emphatically expressed how wonderful it was? "Oh wow this is amazing!" "Can you make this again please?" Clean plates etc? It makes a HELL of a lot of difference to someone's motivation to cook if they're greeted with that rather than, "Thanks", "That was nice", or nothing at all.

Could she also be depressed? When my OH was in the depths of depression, he would do very much the same, sit watching TV on the tablet, no conversation, just a bit of a shell really. She probably knows how little she does and actually feels pretty bad about it, which is why you get the over-aggressive defensive responses.

Oh, and don't even think about kids while you're at this stage. If you're doing every job now, you'll be the one getting up in the night to feed, change, etc no doubt, and adding even more stress to an already stretched relationship.

Andy_89

steveouk wrote: »

I have supported her with losing weight but she will not do exercise at the moment

steveouk wrote: »

She also sabotages things by eating cakes etc.

steveouk wrote: »

She wants to lose weight but I end up doing all the planning for the meals and the shopping and cooking.

I have a family member exactly like this - The two points above the last quote clearly show that she isn't committed to losing weight. It is appears she is lashing out on you because doing nothing is not working.

My father lost 6 stone because he'd had enough and went at it hard.

There are two trains of thought, you came on here to either hope that people will tell you everything will be alright or to help you build the courage to have a word. The more and more I have read its obvious you need to do the latter.

A relationship/marriage is built from a partnership to create a wall. One half of this wall is failing and it seems as though its a matter of time before the wall fails and topples. You have three options.

1) Paper over the cracks on the walls hoping that they will repair themselves.
2) Smash the wall to pieces and rebuild from scratch.
3) Find someone else to build a new wall with.

You are not here for very long, do you want to be miserable for the majority of it? I know I wouldn't.

steveouk

I have asked her if she is depressed before and she says don't be so stupid. I do always tell her how great her food is when she cooks and ask her to cook but she says no or I will think about it. I say oh maybe you could cook on Saturday plan something ...no you do it she says. I don't plan that's you. well shall we go to the shops no that's your job I don't go food shopping unless I have to and you are here so why should I go? she will sit at home and watch tv. she is always looking at a screen or a book and every time I want to talk she is like oh what do you want and so short with me.

aileth

steveouk wrote: »

I have asked her if she is depressed before and she says don't be so stupid. I do always tell her how great her food is when she cooks and ask her to cook but she says no or I will think about it. I say oh maybe you could cook on Saturday plan something ...no you do it she says. I don't plan that's you. well shall we go to the shops no that's your job I don't go food shopping unless I have to and you are here so why should I go? she will sit at home and watch tv. she is always looking at a screen or a book and every time I want to talk she is like oh what do you want and so short with me.

Definitely sounds depressed, maybe low self-esteem and not wanting to leave the house. When I put on a fair bit of weight, I was paranoid that everyone was looking at me thinking 'fat cow' so I avoided going shopping, got groceries delivered, if I could avoid going out I did it, basically self-destructive. You said she's overweight, so could it be that possibly?

Has she always been like this since you met, or did she perhaps gain a lot of weight before you got married and started acting like it? If she's always been like it, I would drop your tools and refuse to do anything for her. Only make food for yourself, only clean up after yourself, refuse to do anything that would effectively enable her. She'll either live in squalor or maybe actually do something, but that's her choice.

Pollycat

steveouk wrote: »

I have asked her if she is depressed before and she says don't be so stupid. I do always tell her how great her food is when she cooks and ask her to cook but she says no or I will think about it. I say oh maybe you could cook on Saturday plan something ...no you do it she says. I don't plan that's you. well shall we go to the shops no that's your job I don't go food shopping unless I have to and you are here so why should I go? she will sit at home and watch tv. she is always looking at a screen or a book and every time I want to talk she is like oh what do you want and so short with me.

Assuming that she is not unhappy about her weight, unhappy about your move to a totally different part of the country, is not missing family & friends (well, not missing them any more than normal people would), is not unhappy in her job etc then the parts I've highlighted clearly show that she has expectations of exactly what your responsibilities in the household are when you are at home.

Can you live with that?

JodyBPM

You sound very sad, and I'm sure she is too.

Just one thing I want to suggest. Whilst you seem to imply that she is very controlling, it sounds to me that you swan home and want to control her! You want to dictate what chores she does and when, how she spend her evenings, you singlehandedly decide on the food for the week, you even complain that she won't turn the light out when you want! I'm sure that your intention isn't to control her, but given that she lives half the time on her own, I can certainly imagine that it feels to her like you come home and start trying to tell her what to do. I'm not surprised that she won't start following your orders! I'd look closely at how you ask for her help, rather than what you are asking her to do. She's probably objecting more to you demanding that she does this, that and the other, than to actually the tasks themselves.

For the record, given that you are at home all day and she works full time, I'd expect you to be doing all of the housework really. In a household without children there's not much to do, no more than an hour or two a day. I do think she shouldn't be disrespectful and make work for you, such as dropping her clothes on the floor, but I do think it perfectly reasonable for you to cook and wash up dinner, and make her a pack up when you have all day to do it in, and she's been working all day.

I suspect her side of the story would read very differently to yours.

SavingPennies_2

Perhaps she is lonely as you are working away so much, then feels put out that when you come back you nag her about the mess (although I undertand as a tidy person it can get you down and be frustrating) rather than enjoying time together.

You also mention cooking, eating out, and food shopping in a lot of your posts which I find a bit odd. Are you in the military? Or working somewhere where you have meals provided for you at regular times? This seems to be a real sticking point for both of you.

Errata

steveouk wrote: »

Where did I say about trying for a baby? in a previous thread?!

In a post just a couple of weeks ago you wrote -

we are hoping to try for a child after a house move next year.

Errata

aileth wrote: »

Definitely sounds depressed, .

The OP says "if I am feeling low or depressed she dismisses it says not to be stupid," It will be tough going if both of them suffer from depression.