Tired of arguments

steveouk

maybe I should talk about divorce with her

Pollycat

steveouk wrote: »

I suppose there are good things but they are hard to see right now.


funny thing is that when we were at her mums house and around the diner table we had an argument and she walked off and her mum said it is not like her. then later on she was writing something out and I asked her to add something onto an order she was doing so I could order an item I wanted and she said no. her mum said don't be so unreasonable!! her mum sees it all the time how unreasonable she is and often just so she can be in charge of me.

And there we have it.

She is controlling you.

She will grind you down.

Think about your future - is this what you really want?

lazer

My husband works away a lot too, and to be honest, when he is at home, I just ignore the housework (unless it gets really bad).


I tidy the house on a Monday when he leaves.


It is hard to adjust when he is at home all the time.


The first few years of marriage are the hardest, and even harder if you aren't together all the time, it takes work and takes compromise.


OP - if you love your wife and she loves you, keep trying, perhaps try counselling or start writing down things and discussing them later when you are both calm.


When my husband comes home, I admit I do want to be looked after, I have been running the house, finances and everything in his absence, and just want to stop and have a break when he comes home, I want someone to look after me, instead of me looking after everyone and doing everything.


But my husband is happy with this, he doesn't care if the house is tidy or not.

millysg1

sulphate wrote: »

I'm not surprised it grates on you if you have been home most of the day and want to do something a bit more interesting than sit on the sofa. Your wife however may well be tired from work.

Like it or not, sitting on the sofa all evening is what a lot of full time workers do, and they may want to spend time at home at the weekends too rather than go out all the time.

Whether we agree with the chores doesn't matter. The point is they as a couple need to agree between themselves who does what chores! Something they can both agree on and its clear who does what.

Then agree a date night every week where you take turns to decide what you do, if for her its a Saturday night in with a takeaway and a movie then so be it but do it together. If for him its to go out for dinner or the theater (for example) then they go but agree they cant complain about each others plans. That way they can just enjoy the time together.

Pollycat

steveouk wrote: »

maybe I should talk about divorce with her

Only if you see it as a realistic solution.

Never, ever use that as a bargaining tool or ultimatum.

There's nothing wrong with telling her you can't live with things as they are, but don't say 'if things don't change, I'm seeing a solicitor about a divorce' (unless you're serious) 'cos she might just call your bluff.

CH27

steveouk wrote: »

I suppose there are good things but they are hard to see right now.


funny thing is that when we were at her mums house and around the diner table we had an argument and she walked off and her mum said it is not like her. then later on she was writing something out and I asked her to add something onto an order she was doing so I could order an item I wanted and she said no. her mum said don't be so unreasonable!! her mum sees it all the time how unreasonable she is and often just so she can be in charge of me.

Is this really how you want to live the rest of your life?

steveouk

to pick up on the point about date nights. I have got to the point now where I have stopped spending money so cant take her out. She is not that keen on romantic meals as I can tend to take on too much or she says they are not diet friendly! She wont cook for me. But it used to be that she loved being taken out but very rare that she has ever paid it is either split or she tells me that I need to take her out and pay when I cant really afford it.


Anyway it would be good to see if we could sort something out where we agree to do a nice date night but I don't know if she will.

steveouk

Well I just want to get on with things and do my own thing as I have so much to do before I go away.


I know it wont be the solution but I really don't want to talk to her right now I don't even want to be around her.


Thing is I know I will regret it even if it gets to Monday as this weekend maybe our last one together and I want to do things together and enjoy it.


I want to talk and sort things out. but her whole attitude of me asking her to do something like wash up and the response of yes when I feel like it or questioning me. The thing is if I do the same to her I get no end of agro you have not done this that or the other and then I say well I am just in the middle of something at the moment I cant be everywhere at once.


Anyway i know it is a bit silly but I found an interesting article on mums net so will print this out as some of the points from this are useful as are things said by posts on here about agreeing what needs doing and by who.

sulphate

millysg1 wrote: »

Whether we agree with the chores doesn't matter. The point is they as a couple need to agree between themselves who does what chores! Something they can both agree on and its clear who does what.

Then agree a date night every week where you take turns to decide what you do, if for her its a Saturday night in with a takeaway and a movie then so be it but do it together. If for him its to go out for dinner or the theater (for example) then they go but agree they cant complain about each others plans. That way they can just enjoy the time together.

Perhaps the wife is resentful of working all day and then coming home and being asked to help with the chores whilst her husband has been at home all day? I don't really see why they need to discuss who does what when it seems pretty obvious.

steveouk wrote: »

to pick up on the point about date nights. I have got to the point now where I have stopped spending money so cant take her out. She is not that keen on romantic meals as I can tend to take on too much or she says they are not diet friendly! She wont cook for me. But it used to be that she loved being taken out but very rare that she has ever paid it is either split or she tells me that I need to take her out and pay when I cant really afford it.


Anyway it would be good to see if we could sort something out where we agree to do a nice date night but I don't know if she will.

You don't mention how you split the finances between you but I don't see what's wrong with splitting the bill equally when you go out. You say you can't afford to pay for everything, maybe she can't either?

You've mentioned a couple of times how you don't want to be around her or talk to her, she probably picks up on this attitude so it's not really surprising that she doesn't want to spend "quality time" together.

Pollycat

steveouk wrote: »

to pick up on the point about date nights. I have got to the point now where I have stopped spending money so cant take her out. She is not that keen on romantic meals as I can tend to take on too much or she says they are not diet friendly!

Is she overweight?

Could she be unhappy about her weight and is projecting that anger onto you?

steveouk wrote: »

She wont cook for me. But it used to be that she loved being taken out but very rare that she has ever paid it is either split or she tells me that I need to take her out and pay when I cant really afford it.

Won't cook or can't cook?

What are your arrangements about money?
How do you share out your income (if you do)?