Tired of arguments

Pollycat

steveouk wrote: »

We do both work but I work away for long periods so she gets into the habit of doing things her way.


I just feel that we live in the same house but are not close. I have my end of the sofa she has hers. We watch mainly what she wants on the tv.


I don't feel the same connection to her and don't even want to sleep in the same bed as her. If I am sleepy she wont turn the light off until she is ready and I cant sleep very well next to her so I just sleep in the spare room.


Its little things that !!!! me off like her leaving her clothes on the floor in the bedroom, leaving empty things in the bathroom not putting them in the recycling, leaving her breakfast things on the side when she could wash them up. just the tiny things that annoy me when I am already doing most things for her.

I think this is the crux of the problem.

She has the house to herself for long periods and can do things as she wants - leave a sinkfull of pots for a week if she wishes.

Clearly, her way of doing things is not acceptable to you (and TBH, it wouldn't be for me either).

You need to have a calm discussion where you acknowledge why she is as she is but be firm that this is not how you expect to live when you come home from being away.

TBH, she sounds a pretty ungrateful person.

FWIW, my OH worked away for a year, coming home at weekends.
After that contract finished and he was home every day, things were pretty strained between us and it took some time for us to realise that it was annoying me that he was sat in that chair and wanted to watch that programme on TV etc because I'd got into a routine that didn't include him.
We did sort it out in the end.

steveouk

I would ruin my life. I have invested so much time in this and try to make it work but everything I do seems to be wrong. All I want I have to compromise on because she has some sort of objection. I try to plan things for us to do and ask for her input then she either changes it so we do what she want or tells me to do the planning then when I miss or forget something say the next day if we are out its all my fault and I will say I asked for your help but she then says I don't need her help. I want her to be involved but she just wants to be waited on and then when I want to go places and do things together its all too much unless it fits with her lazy plans.

bryanb

Quit now before you have children.

tea_lover

steveouk wrote: »

We do both work but I work away for long periods so she gets into the habit of doing things her way.

I just feel that we live in the same house but are not close. I have my end of the sofa she has hers. We watch mainly what she wants on the tv.

I don't feel the same connection to her and don't even want to sleep in the same bed as her. If I am sleepy she wont turn the light off until she is ready and I cant sleep very well next to her so I just sleep in the spare room.

Its little things that !!!! me off like her leaving her clothes on the floor in the bedroom, leaving empty things in the bathroom not putting them in the recycling, leaving her breakfast things on the side when she could wash them up. just the tiny things that annoy me when I am already doing most things for her.

I could have written this. No useful advice but this really struck a chord with me.

roobee13

Agree with other posters that it sounds like she's used to doing things 'her' way when you're away with work. But to just sit back and expect you to do everything when you get back isn't really fair.

Sorry to be so blunt but she sounds vile!

I'm with pollycat, you need to tell her that things have to change or there's no future. Perhaps that will be the jolt she needs to become part of the relationship and not a bystander! Good luck.

steveouk

yes and I hope we can sort it out too. but when I say that I am prepared to do all the things around the house and make her lunch etc etc as long as she washes up after diner I don't think that is too much to ask.
She has just text to say I am a petulant child and that she is prepared to reach compromise and given me the dictionary definition!
Ok so I get angry and upset but just because she never listens to me or does things I reasonable ask her to do.

Mojisola

steveouk wrote: »

I would ruin my life.

And carrying on the way you are now is a bed of roses?

CH27

steveouk wrote: »

no I don't know why we got married either but I cant get away from her

Do you look forward to coming home?

Do you communicate while you're away?

fairy_lights

steveouk wrote: »

I would ruin my life. I have invested so much time in this and try to make it work but everything I do seems to be wrong.

Do you love your wife though? Are there any good things about your relationship?
If she's making you that miserable and you talk about wanting to leave her, then staying just because of what you've already invested in the relationship isn't really fair on either of you.

millysg1

steveouk wrote: »

I would ruin my life. I have invested so much time in this and try to make it work but everything I do seems to be wrong. All I want I have to compromise on because she has some sort of objection. I try to plan things for us to do and ask for her input then she either changes it so we do what she want or tells me to do the planning then when I miss or forget something say the next day if we are out its all my fault and I will say I asked for your help but she then says I don't need her help. I want her to be involved but she just wants to be waited on and then when I want to go places and do things together its all too much unless it fits with her lazy plans.

What would ruin your life? Leaving her?

You have to be totally honest with yourself. Can you be happy, really happy with her? Is she going to change? Should she change for you? Will you look back in 20 years and be happy you did everything you could be a)try and make it work and b) be the happiest you possibly can making most out of our short lives.

The idea of starting again from scratch is very scary. But be honest and work out how you can achieve life happiness!