Tired of arguments

steveouk

First I am really sorry to post here but I hope someone maybe able to help. I am tired of arguments with my wife and we have not been married long. The arguments spring up every now and then when I am fed up of her not pulling her weight. We had the arguments before we got married and there was a short period where things were fine after we got married.


maybe I am just moaning like I have done before but it seems that I am doing more and more and when ever I ask for help I get told to get on and do things myself. I try to moderate how I ask for help but its just easier to get on with the chores and wear myself out.


Yesterday evening I cooked a very nice diner and made my wife's lunch for today. made her some tea and bagels and did all the washing up. I asked for help with the washing up and all I got was well you should have done it as you went along and if I had then I would have been told there is only a little you do it. or she will do it when she wants to normally late at night before bed and I like to get it done once we have eaten.


She spent the whole evening in front of the tv and at the same time playing games on her tablet I got very little conversation out of her at all.


I am fed up and we had a massive row this morning. She says I need to compromise but when I ask her to do things around the house she will but when ever she feels like it and if I say can you do x y or z then she questions me if it needs doing and says fine you do it.


I am tired and fed up and she cant see this.

caringa

Firstly - do you both work full time? If yes, then you are justified in expecting her to share the domestic chores. Having been married for 39 years!!! I speak from experience!

Once we had children and in those days most Mums didnt go back to work until their children were at school, I did all the chores during the week whilst my husband was at work but was grateful for some help at the weekends.

From what you say, you are doing more than your fair share by preparing dinner, clearing up and getting her lunch ready and it is certainly not unreasonable to expect her to pull her weight. I wish my husband would prepare my dinners!! (he does sometime admitedly!)

Lastly, you do say that you havent been married long and I know from bitter experience that marriage isnt one long honeymoon - far from it. However, you need to explain calmly to her how you feel and try and make her see that you are a partnership which takes effort from both sides and plenty of negotiation!

Best of luck!!!

steveouk

Well I looked back to a post I made a couple of months ago and nothing has really changed.


I have not sat down with her and discussed what is expected and what we will each do. I cant she wont listen and it always ends up in an argument.


She just says I need to be more efficient, makes fun of me, if I am feeling low or depressed she dismisses it says not to be stupid, I ask questions and I get snapped at.
I want to make plans when we have a free weekend and she does not want to do anything.


I am so fed up, so bored and feel so belittled and made to feel small all the time. Whatever I do I am always wrong she has me running around doing things for her. if I forget to do something I get shouted at but if she forgets I am sent back to the shop or whatever it might be to sort it out!

Spendless

steveouk wrote: »

We had the arguments before we got married.

Out of curiousity why did you think a marriage ceremony would change this in the long term?

Can you come to an agreement that whoever cooks the meals the other one washes up? Is her argument that you use every item in the cupboards to cook beans on toast, so you've created more than necessary washing up? (I've got friends who complain about this with their husband).

Is there a difference in household standards with me, does she not 'see' what needs doing but you are very tidy?

Depending on what needs doing and your income and time, is it possible to hire some help- cleaner once a week say?

steveouk

We do both work but I work away for long periods so she gets into the habit of doing things her way.


I just feel that we live in the same house but are not close. I have my end of the sofa she has hers. We watch mainly what she wants on the tv.


I don't feel the same connection to her and don't even want to sleep in the same bed as her. If I am sleepy she wont turn the light off until she is ready and I cant sleep very well next to her so I just sleep in the spare room.


Its little things that !!!! me off like her leaving her clothes on the floor in the bedroom, leaving empty things in the bathroom not putting them in the recycling, leaving her breakfast things on the side when she could wash them up. just the tiny things that annoy me when I am already doing most things for her.

Mojisola

I don't know why you got married because all these issues were there beforehand.

steveouk

ok so maybe she would use less things to cook with and do it as she goes along but I said I had put things neat for her.


I give up I really do its easier for me to just do everything. I just feel taken advantage of and when I ask for help I get shouted at when I have politely asked.


The thing is she says she does ot want to come in the kitchen and get it sorted with me as she says she says she does not want to do chores with me and that we will do things individually and things will get done. she says she wants to have time to spend quality time with me. but my point is that if she comes to help then we can be done quicker and we will have time to spend together. But instead I live in the kitchen box and she lives in the living room spate - with no quality time because she is too lazy to get off the sofa.

steveouk

no I don't know why we got married either but I cant get away from her

millysg1

Sounds awful and i can see why you would get upset. Am i right in thinking you work away for long stints and she is left to take care of things herself?

She obviously has gotten into a routine that she is stuck in that doesnt suit yours at all. What happens to cleaning and tidying when your away? does it just stay as a pig sty?

I think the only thing you can do is sit her down, tell her your not happy with the relationship anymore, and unless things change soon you wont be hanging around much longer. As from your posts that sounds like where you have gotten.

And to belittle you so much as well, there isnt a lot of respect for you!

Mojisola

steveouk wrote: »

no I don't know why we got married either but I cant get away from her

Why not?..........

Errata

Move back to your mum and let your OH get on with it?