Tired of arguments

victory

steveouk wrote: »

maybe I should talk about divorce with her

There post 32

densol_2

I had a ex like you OP - drove me mental - we were just not compatable - we split after just three years of marriage - was my house so he moved on - biggest relief ever for me. I have a " messy" space in my bedroom - just one - he would never have allowed it - that messy space reminds me every day how glad I am to be shot of him. It was like sleeping with the enemy film but without the fists! Lol

Mad-Frog

OP what you need to realise is that you and your wife have different standards when it comes to housework

I confess that I am a clothes throw on the floor person and pick up when it bugs me, I also leave stuff like paperwork lying around to remind me to deal with it

When OH first moved in we drove each other crazy he shoved things in drawers regardless as to whether they belonged there:D if I had slaved to make a nice meal I left the washing up that used to annoy him until I trained him that life wouldn't end if it was done later or the next day

When you have been at work all day and someone has been off the last thing you sometimes want to do is go out for romantic meals, wash the pots as soon as you have eaten, clean, tidy, pick up clothes, dust, polish etc

We have come to a compromise now in that he isn't perfect and neither am I the major bug bears have been worked on and we try and compromise on that

If your wife won't then I am sorry but it doesn't sound like your marriage will last

To me though it sounds like you need to back off when you come home and concentrate on weekend things to do, ask your wife to suggest things

In the summer and autumn one of the best things we do is go for walks after work ( can't always as I work shifts) we talk, walk helps me lose weight and sometimes discuss issues but not really needed now we have been together 15 years

One thing from your posts though, you are blaming her for everything that is not healthy. You need to have that talk, really relate or similar is the way forward, you could go on your own first.... Good luck

onomatopoeia99

BrassicWoman wrote: »

maybe constant harping over housework is doing her nut

Given then number of topics started on here by people complaining that their husbands don't do stuff around the house in a timely fashion and asking for advice on how to encourage them, it seems a common complaint!

I'm not disagreeing with you btw, it would 'do my nut' as well to be whinged at about housework by a partner.

Pollycat

Mad-Frog wrote: »

We have come to a compromise now in that he isn't perfect and neither am I the major bug bears have been worked on and we try and compromise on that

There's been a lot of sense posted on this thread but I think this says it all. :T

Errata

I'm guessing everything is done at speed for the OP when he's away at sea for three months at a time and he fails to grasp that households aren't run in the same way.

DevilsAdvocate1

Just to turn this around slightly - your wife sounds like her life is not good. You've moved away from family and friends. Then to top it off you're away for 3 months at a time.

Many years ago, I moved 300 miles from home to be with my boyfriend who had moved due to work. I had lived there for a month when he decided to visit our hometown for 2 weeks. As I couldn't get the time off work I couldn't go. It was horrible. I was so lonely. The only people I spoke to were at work, so on a night and weekend I didn't speak to anyone. I was so lonely, you wouldn't believe and quite resentful too as he was going out with our friends and having a ball.

I remember my boyfriend ringing and crying down the phone because I was so lonely. I also remember eating loads of chocolate - comfort eating I guess.

What I had for 2 weeks, your wife has for 3 months. I don't know how she is coping. If this was me, I would be feeling very resentful of you. Plus, I am another person who would do the washing up later. After I get home from work and have tea, I want to sit down for a bit. Often I'll fall asleep but wake refreshed and that is the time for me to do chores.

Perhaps she feels she had no control in her life, so is trying to get some back by taking things out on you. Also, if she starts washing up straight after tea that's not compromsing, its her adapting to what you want. Perhaps you have to compromise by not looking at the washing up and leaving her to do it in her own time?

It would be interesting to hear your wife's point of view.

chiefgoobster

Just thought I'd add my two-penneth's worth to the thread...
I'm having a guess and saying you are probably in the Navy, which is a strict and disciplined life.You have been conditioned to know what's what, where's where, eat and sleep at such and such a time and that things are done there and then without questioning.
Unfortunately your wife isn't of that conditioning and, as much as you try, you aren't going to mould her into that way. I can totally get it that when you return for shore-leave and the house is not as you might see it and she is in the mood for doing naff all, as she has been for the past 3 months whilst you are away.Saying that, weight issues or not, she darn well needs to buck her ideas up and get with it I'd say.

I'd hazard a guess that she married you when you were already on the ships... so she can't be that daft in thinking that you were always going to be working nearby type thing.This is a wife's compromise when they marry sailors, Army or RAF etc.

I feel genuinely sorry for you in your situation and would definately say, like others, do not go down the children route thinking it may make things better. Also don't think about buying a flat/house until the situation is sorted.

You need to do some serious thinking and decide what you want out of the relationship and your life.It's not going to be easy but it has to be addressed. Others on here have said it would be interesting to hear the other side of the coin, but i think you should jump ship whilst you can (excuse the pun).

onomatopoeia99

DevilsAdvocate1 wrote: »

The only people I spoke to were at work, so on a night and weekend I didn't speak to anyone.

That sounds idyllic to me! Just goes to show that we are all different in all sorts of ways.

mandragora_2

My dad was in the RAF and had some long stints of 'duty' tours, when he would be away for long periods, only coming home for occasional weekend visits. It was a schizophrenic childhood, because we sort of lived in two homes - one where it was quite a cosy, domsetic, 'rub along together comfortably' arrangement between my mum, brother and me, and the other one when it was much more strained, with a need for everything to be 'perfect' (and as my mum's a clean freak, it was always spotlessly clean at home anyway) - no-one was allowed to do anything my dad saw as 'wrong' and half the time we had absolutely no idea of what it might be that would set him off and make him furious at us. I look back on it now, and realise that he too had a fractured existence, living in the mess for months on end, as a sort of single bloke, with those freedoms, yet the discipline and rigour of the regime, and always in his mind what he expected, wanted and imagined for all of us, too, without being around to control it or contribute to the daily grind and joys of being the parent of adolescents. We did all have a sigh of relief when he left - and I imagine he did too.

On a much reduced scale, my OH was recently away for ten days on an extension of our holiday. I did miss him, of course, but there was a row within a day of him coming home, which I later realised was a reaction to the sort of 'culture shock' we'd both had in coming to terms with being part of a couple again, rather than being entirely king (or queen!) in our own domain.