Tired of arguments

Errata

I'm having a guess and saying you are probably in the Navy

The OP's in the merchant marine, but everything you state will applicable to him.

dinosaur7

Hi Steve,


Just a thought - if you want to give the relationship a chance, one book I can highly recommend is 'Men are from Mars, women are from Venus' by John Gray. I'd heard about it for years but always thought that I didn't need to read that sort of self help book (wrong!) and finally gave it a go. I wish I'd done so years earlier. My husband read it too.


I know, it sounds horribly tacky to have to start reading books on marriage, but for us it explained so much about why the other person behaves as they do. The most amazing thing is that you realise that he/she isn't being a thoughtless insensitive pig, he/she is just being naturally Martian/Venusian! Just knowing that takes a lot of the hurt out of some of the behaviour and, if you've both read it, you can begin to talk about those things and start to appreciate it from the other person's perspective, and know how to communicate in a way the other gender will understand.


The other thing I've finally discovered (after 22 years - I'm a slow learner, lol) is that if you get into the habit of expecting the other person to be bad/unreasonable etc. they almost certainly will be. However, if you can get yourself into a more positive expectation then somehow you seem to see a better side to them. Weird, but it seems to work...


Anyway, I really hope all works out for you.

warehouse

Blimey Steve life is just too short to be stuck with someone as negative and lazy as this. They will drag you down until your life is wasted. Seriously consider moving on, find someone who'll make your life exciting and energetic. It's not going to get any better with a wife who continually plays games on a tablet is it?

Bella73

First off please please get yourself down to currys and buy a dishwasher!

Hubby and I both detest "doing" dishes and I am very lazy in that department but I don't mind shoving them in the dishwasher as I go and switching on as and when, we normally last a couple of days but did buy extra plates etc.

To be honest you do come across as very demanding.

If I'd just finished my last mouthful and then you wanted me to wash up I wouldn't do it either. It is nice to have breathing space between eating and chores.

All your battles appear to be around food for some reason, you don't appear to mention anything such a cleaning, ironing etc which makes me think you are unhappy with your wife's appearance and so is she which doesn't make a good combination.

And being told you have to exercise to lose the weight as well as control the eating probably isn't coming across in the right way, she already knows that whether she wishes to acknowledge it or not and being constantly told probably just annoys her even more. (I am assuming you are not an ounce overweight so she might even be thinking its easy for him so to speak).

I would be very annoyed that I am deemed capable of looking after everything while you are away and then you swan in and basically say jump to it...I would argue with you too, and to be honest hubby and I very rarely argue as we have learnt which things are worth arguing about, washing up not being one of them!

FBaby

My husband and I have different standards of cleanliness, or even how to go about it. He is detailed oriented and see things I wouldn't even notice if I looked for it. He gets quite anxious when things are not in order. I am the opposite. As we've discovered, that's probably because I am a thinking (so tend to be thinking rather than observing when I do something, hence not picking up the details) and I tend to have everything organised in my mind so not as bothered about my surroundings (although I don't like mess much and am getting pickier as the years go by).

When we first moved together, it was a nightmare because he considered that his way was the right way. He couldn't foresee that my ways suited me well and did me no harm. We used to have arguement with him telling me that all his friends were like him so therefore I was the odd one out! He used to have a go at me for leaving cupboard doors open, not closing the curtains as soon as it was dark, not doing the evening dishes as soon as I'd finished eaten, leaving some specs of water next to the sink.... I felt so overwhelmed with feeling that each of my actions were observed and then critisied, I just couldn't settle and feel at home. It didn't help I moved to his house.

It took a lot of me telling him that I would compromise and make efforts, but that didn't mean doing every single think that he considered normal because he did it. His argument was that it would then make him anxious, but I told him he would need to learn to be more relaxed about things. Thankfully, we love and always have loved each other deeply, and somehow, we managed to indeed find ourselves half-way.

Ironically, 3 years one, it sometimes feel like the roles are starting to reverse! I have found myself telling him off for doing things he used to tell me off (such as a doors!).

The reality OP is that you say that you are willing to compromise, and you probably are, but I'm wondering whether you still have expectations of your wife that makes her feel like she is suffocating. That would be even more delibitating if indeed she can be herself, enjoying her home her way when you are away, to then feel that she has to justify everything she does and as a result not feeling at home.

Compromises that involve significant changes of attitude take time and a lot of love to share. In your case, i don't feel the love is there on either side, let alone the trust to make it happen.

Person_one

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

Given then number of topics started on here by people complaining that their husbands don't do stuff around the house in a timely fashion and asking for advice on how to encourage them, it seems a common complaint!

I'm not disagreeing with you btw, it would 'do my nut' as well to be whinged at about housework by a partner.

I expect its probably much worse and more irritating for her because the wife is in the home on her own for months and months at a time. Presumably, the OP doesn't come home from working away to find months worths of pots in the sink, rubbish piling up in the corner, maggots in the fridge and mould on the towels!

I think I said this in the last thread on the same subject, but I'd be far from impressed if I was managing the house completely alone for months at a time and then my partner tried to swan in and dictate and micro-manage exactly how I should do every chore and task.

Please don't try for a baby.

Kaye1

My husband works a lot. So when we do have time together, I work hard to ensure we can enjoy it; I'm not some sort of slave but he does work hard and I appreciate it. I make sure there is nice food cooked and we clean up together.


If I am busy, he does the same. He will put a meal in the slow cooker in the morning so I don't need to cook at night. It's the little efforts you make that count.


The time we do have together is precious- if you are feeling like this at the start of the marriage, can it get any better? We all have our annoying foibles but you work together on it. My OH knows wet towels on the bed annoy the poop out of me, so he has made an effort not to do it. I know that kicking my shoes off right in the doorway equally annoys him, so I make an effort not to do it. It's about compromise sometimes.


We've been married for 14 years and you have to make an effort to make it last. Can you keep that effort up?

headachesrus

When we married my DH moved into our house from his mother's who in his eyes was superwoman. Because I am not it caused many a dispute between us. However, I have other talents, being nice for one LOL!


I refuse to argue about housework (although he would love to). If something isn't done, or not done to his satisfaction, crack on and do it yourself big boy.


We have been married 24 years, and will always be married. It isn't hard, but for goodness sake, pick your battles! The dishes really aren't that important.

Georgiegirl256

I remember your last thread, and not much has changed has it OP?

Your wife obviously copes just fine when you're away for months on end, and you can't just expect her to change into your routine the minute you get back through the door.

The dishes were an issue last time, and they still appear to be. You mentioned last time about how she likes to leave them to drain because it's more hygienic, and as I said last time, she's right, it is more hygienic.

I know other people's habits that aren't the same as our own can really bug you (I know my husband has got loads of bad habits that bug the hell out of me!), but sometimes you've just got to let it go, before it develops into a bigger problem.

Your wife looks after the house and does the chores whilst you are away. So it's only fair that you do your share when you get back.

I don't know what it is you are after really? I guess we'll never know, because it seems like you've disappeared from the thread like you did with your last one when people aren't taking your side and agreeing with you. Sorry to be blunt, but that's the way it appears to me.

FBaby

maybe I am just moaning like I have done before but it seems that I am doing more and more and when ever I ask for help I get told to get on and do things myself. I try to moderate how I ask for help but its just easier to get on with the chores and wear myself out.

I agree with Georgie. The above strike of an argument when she was doing something, you complained because it wasn't done the way you consider that it should be done (ie, the right way from your point of view) and it resulted in a 'if you are not happy with how I do it, you might as well do it yourself', with you initially thinking that indeed, you might as well as she can't do it properly, but later on, feeling resentful at the fact that it means you end up doing a lot more of the share of housework.