Why should I have children???

Cissi

MrsDanvers wrote: »

I knew at fifteen I didn't want children, and have reached sixty with not a moment's regret, so don't be so sure. As for "if you really love each other you will work it out" - gak. The woman has worked it out, in case you haven't noticed. Respect her decision.

And lastly, to the person who reckons that all of us child free have been brainwashed by the media - today's big news is that some of us can think for ourselves and don't hand it over to other people to do for us.

Did you actually read my post? I was saying that I think it's highly possible that HE may with time accept the idea of not having children because he loves her!

And I also never said that there aren't women who don't change their minds on this issue - I know several who, like you, have never wavered and they are all happy with their choice. But equally I know some who were adamant in their late 20s that they never wanted children and then ended up changing their minds later on, for whatever reason.

For goodness sake, this isn't a debate about voluntary sterilisation - FWIW I think if someone wants it then that should be their choice - but the OP was asking if she should break up a loving relationship because she doesn't want kids (but admits she doesn't completely want to exclude the remote possibility in future, though feels it's highly unlikely she'll ever change her mind) and she thinks he does, again in a vague future. You seem to have missed that far from having "worked it out", she was asking for advice! Personally I think it would be a shame to give up on the relationship just on this basis, especially since he does NOT seem to be hassling her to think about starting a family in the near future.

I for one was in no way judging the OP for her choice, nor claiming that she will change her mind at some point! I just think couples can and do work these things out, and people do change and make sacrifices when they love someone (and as I said in my previous post, I think men are generally more likely than women to adapt their wishes on this particular subject). I guess I'm very lucky to have found such a relationship - only the OP can have any idea how much hers is worth fighting for. For her sake I hope it is.

Sheesh, I get that some people who have made minority lifestyle choices can be over-sensitive, but it seems a bit ridiculous to get all defensive with someone who hasn't criticised the choice in question!

Gloomendoom

Cissi wrote: »

Did you actually read my post?

Probably not, reading doesn't seem to be one of her strong points.

Gavin83

Cissi wrote: »

For a long time she didn't dare tell him that she'd changed her mind, but when she did, she found that he loved her enough to change his own mind too.

I think many men don't feel as strongly about the issue one way or the other as women do.

I don't know if you mean it to come across like this or not but it feels like your almost suggesting that if he'd continued to say he didnt want children then he didnt really love her. If so that's really quite insulting.

I also don't agree with your second point either. I know loads of guys who feel really strongly about wanting a child one day. The man in the OP clearly feels quite serious about it too.

Gloomendoom

Gavin83 wrote: »

I also don't agree with your second point either. I know loads of guys who feel really strongly about wanting a child one day. The man in the OP clearly feels quite serious about it too.

To be fair, Cissi said many men, not most or all.

Cissi

Gavin83 wrote: »

I don't know if you mean it to come across like this or not but it feels like your almost suggesting that if he'd continued to say he didnt want children then he didnt really love her. If so that's really quite insulting.

I also don't agree with your second point either. I know loads of guys who feel really strongly about wanting a child one day. The man in the OP clearly feels quite serious about it too.

No I absolutely didn't mean it like that, only that children don't have to be a deal-breaker for everyone, one way or another. If OP continues to be upfront with her OH about not wanting children and he still wants to be with her, then maybe that should be his choice? As long as she also wants to be with him of course. I think communication is key here.

And of course many men feel very strongly about having their own children. If this is how he feels then he will and should leave. But for her to preempt this by breaking up at this stage seems like a shame. Many men also do decide to stay with women who won't/can't give them children, and are happy together.

I certainly would never have married a man who didn't want children. My DH on the other hand, while he certainly wanted children, would have accepted it if I really hadn't. Not because he loves me more than I him, but because the need was never as fundamental for him as for me. We talked a lot about this, both at the beginning of our relationship and during our fertility treatments. Maybe we're really unusual, but I don't think so - or I know a lot of other unusual couples too.

Gavin83

Ok sorry for misinterpreting.

Depends how you consider it to potentially play out. It's entirely possible to ask him, for him to say that he's ok being child free to be with her and then 5 years down the line deciding it is in fact too important and ends the relationship. It's also entirely possible that this won't happen and he may decide he's happy being child free. I guess it's for each individual to call.

I have to say as a man I'd feel a lot more uncomfortable being with a woman who really wanted kids than if the situation was to be reversed. Once an 'accident' happens women have more choices than men.

Maybe I'm unusual but I certainly know more couples where the woman was on the fence about it than the reverse situation. Maybe I just know a lot of paternal men!

SavingPennies_2

Gavin83 wrote: »

Ok sorry for misinterpreting.

Depends how you consider it to potentially play out. It's entirely possible to ask him, for him to say that he's ok being child free to be with her and then 5 years down the line deciding it is in fact too important and ends the relationship. It's also entirely possible that this won't happen and he may decide he's happy being child free. I guess it's for each individual to call.

I have to say as a man I'd feel a lot more uncomfortable being with a woman who really wanted kids than if the situation was to be reversed. Once an 'accident' happens women have more choices than men.

Maybe I'm unusual but I certainly know more couples where the woman was on the fence about it than the reverse situation. Maybe I just know a lot of paternal men![/QUOTE]

My theory is that many men (not all) like the idea of being a dad and doing all the fun stuff, while women are (generally) more realistic and know how much more impact it will have on thier lives, given that (generally) it's women who end up doing most of the boring/hard stuff and have to give up more of their social and work life.

roobee13

[/QUOTE]

My theory is that many men (not all) like the idea of being a dad and doing all the fun stuff, while women are (generally) more realistic and know how much more impact it will have on thier lives, given that (generally) it's women who end up doing most of the boring/hard stuff and have to give up more of their social and work life.[/QUOTE]

Totally agree with this! Not wanting to generalise, but this is pretty much how 'most' families operate.

Again, if this is what people want to do with their lives then good for them, but none of it appeals to me and it does get depressing trying to explain this to people!!

tea_lover

SavingPennies wrote: »

My theory is that many men (not all) like the idea of being a dad and doing all the fun stuff, while women are (generally) more realistic and know how much more impact it will have on thier lives, given that (generally) it's women who end up doing most of the boring/hard stuff and have to give up more of their social and work life.

This has been the case amongst many people I know. The guys like the idea of a child to take to football, or read to, or (eventually) walk down the aisle. Women tend to be more practical about the realities of pregnancy, the financial and work impact and the impact on relationships.

Not all couples of course, but certainly true among my friends and family.

SavingPennies_2

roobee13 - I agree with you. I actually think I'd be more inclined to want children if things were more equal, but in most cases they just arent and I guess that's the way it is. I hate the thought that as a woman I'd be the one making the sacrifices and doing all the work in the home and looking after the children, which realistically I think I would. I know one couple for example and the husband boasts how he's never changed a nappy and only does the fun stuff, he also gets to keep his career and go out with his mates when he wants. Don't get me wrong he adores his child, and they are a lovely family, but it just seems so unfair and I think in most cases this is how it is, it's the traditional set up after all. Okay many women are happy to take on that role, and that's good for them, nothing wrong with that, but it's not for me.