Why should I have children???

SavingPennies_2

blobbydoodaah wrote: »

I have 3 children and wouldnt change this for the world.. you never know the feeling until it becomes a reality so you cant have a balanced view if you have never had any. The media has done a goood job on some of you... over population, career is more important... high child care costs....man made climate change.... such a shame because its such a magical thing bringing life into the world and not having to just think about yourself and your own needs...

My children are my legacy..... Lots of hard work but when eventually letting them go into the world to hopefully make it a better place for everyone...

Good luck everyone

I think it's actually quite offensive to suggest that people cannot make their own decisions without being swayed by the media. In my opinion the media does the opposite to what you suggest, it is always showing perfect families living in perfect houses, on perfect holidays and always looking happy and healthy. The media fawns over any celebrity who has a baby while people like Jennifer Aniston are pitied and constantly questioned on why they are not a mother.


Choosing to have a baby is not (for most women) like choosing a car or a new outfit that is influenced so easily by the media, it's based on instinct and emotions, and for some women the maternal desire to have children just doesn't exist.


I've never wanted children and have felt like that for as long as I can remember, it's absolutely nothing to do with the media, its just how I feel. I'm not saying I will never change my mind, I don't know how I might feel in the future but I am certainly not influenced by the media, I can make up my own mind.

Gavin83

Unfortunately for me I really don't want children but my parents have made it crystal clear they want nothing more than a grandchild. In also an only child. I can see this leading to a massive argument in the future but I'm certainly not having kids to make someone else happy.

I actually don't mind children, I can cope with friends kids just fine and would happily babysit. I just don't want my own.

BritAbroad

janninew wrote: »

Of course parents know the feeling of being child free, nobody is born a parent! I was child free for 30 years and all that entails and now I'm a parent with all that entails. I've lived both lives so feel I have a balanced view.

Agreed that no one is born a parent but that does not mean that parents know what it's like to be child free. If a person wants to have kids but doesn't have them yet they're childless rather than child free.

It's a completely different mindset. Speaking personally, I genuinely don't understand what motivates or drives a person to have a child. Likewise, I don't expect my parent-friends or want-to-be-parent friends to understand what motivates me not to have a child. But I hope we can respect each other enough to understand there is a difference, and just as I don't assume I understand what it is to be a parent, I want them not to assume they understand what it is to be child free.

Person_one

janninew wrote: »

Of course parents know the feeling of being child free, nobody is born a parent! I was child free for 30 years and all that entails and now I'm a parent with all that entails. I've lived both lives so feel I have a balanced view.

I respect anybodies right to choose but I do dislike how some child free folk describe children as 'brats' etc and as parents as 'breeders.' You see it all the time on these boards, no idea how all children can be generalised like this.

You won't know what its like to live your whole adult life child free though. You'll never be a CF 35 year old, or 50 year old, or retired with no children.

Not that it matters anyway, the argument of 'well how do you know you don't want children if you've never had them?' is a meaningless one. Its not as if you can try before you buy or hand them back if it isn't for you.

It may well be that if I'd had a baby at 24 or 25 I'd be delightfully happy now being a mother. I doubt it very much, but even if it had panned out that way it would have been appallingly irresponsible for me to have a child I didn't 100% want with absolute certainty.

Rev

blobbydoodaah wrote: »

I have 3 children and wouldnt change this for the world.. you never know the feeling until it becomes a reality so you cant have a balanced view if you have never had any. The media has done a goood job on some of you... over population, career is more important... high child care costs....man made climate change.... such a shame because its such a magical thing bringing life into the world and not having to just think about yourself and your own needs...

My children are my legacy..... Lots of hard work but when eventually letting them go into the world to hopefully make it a better place for everyone...

Good luck everyone

Your post is extremely patronising.


You enjoy having children. You wanted children. Don't assume everyone feels the way you feel.


To suggest that not having or wanting children's means I think only of myself is both insulting and just wrong. People without kids also have families and friends and don't just have themselves to think about.


I'm glad your happy but don't assume that having kids makes someone less of a person because they won't know how wonderful it is until they have them. There's plenty of examples of people who don't find having kids wonderful at all. Not everyone thinks kids are great.


I'd also like my legacy to be a bit more than popping out a few kids. But that's just me.

[Deleted User]

Simple answer:

If you want to be a parent, and you can do a good job of being one then have as many children as you can look after and bring up well! Either naturally or adopted.

If you have no desire to be a parent then don't, and it's no-one else's business!

The problems with child abuse and bad upbringings stem from people having children when they can't/don't/won't want them, love them and care for their emotional and physical needs.

catkins

DevilsAdvocate1 wrote: »

I run a parent and toddler group and you'd be surprised at how many older mums (I'm talking around 40) who didn't want children who end up having at least one. Sometimes they changed their mind for themselves, sometimes it was because their spouse wanted a child and sometimes it was a mistake. All of them have commented on how they wouldn't change things now. And some even went on to have a planned second child. One mum is 44 and has just done this.

So I think this is probably why doctor's are not keen on sterilisation for a younger woman. You might not change your mind, but the doctor has seen many women before you change their mind. So the doctor can't be sure that in another 10 years you won't.

Changing your mind about having a baby because your spouse wants one is a silly and risky thing to do. There is every chance you will end up resenting that child and that the marriage/ relationship will break up because of it. I have seen it myself with a few couples I know.


I know only too well that doctors are not keen on sterilisation or vasectomy for young men and women because of people changing their minds. That was the reason given to me and OH and why we had to go private. We were both 100% certain we didn't want children and looked on a vasectomy as permanent anyway. If they told people that sterilisation and vasectomy were not reversible maybe people would think harder before asking for them and stopping genuine people getting them done with the NHS

Cissi

blobbydoodaah wrote: »

I have 3 children and wouldnt change this for the world.. you never know the feeling until it becomes a reality so you cant have a balanced view if you have never had any. The media has done a goood job on some of you... over population, career is more important... high child care costs....man made climate change.... such a shame because its such a magical thing bringing life into the world and not having to just think about yourself and your own needs...

My children are my legacy..... Lots of hard work but when eventually letting them go into the world to hopefully make it a better place for everyone...

Good luck everyone

That is indeed an incredibly patronising post - and also rather self-contradictory! So, your children are your legacy and you hope that they will go on to make the world a better place - but hang on, shouldn't their main purpose in life also be simply to procreate? Meanwhile, some of the men and women who have decided not to have children of their own may also be out there working on making the world a better place - not by having children but through whatever other causes they've decided to dedicate their lives to!

Having said that, I myself have always wanted children and don't see it as an either/or - we have two, and still have our own lives too. Ours are 10 and 8 years old and my partner and I each run successful businesses. Yes, it's been hard work, and my career would probably have taken a different path if I hadn't had children, but I just can't imagine that I'd ever have felt as fulfilled as I do.

OP, as you seem aware yourself, at 27 you simply can't KNOW for sure yet. You seem pretty sure but you're wise to allow room for some doubt. I've seen both. One friend who at 28 was adamant that she'd NEVER want children - and indeed, she never changed her mind. She's now in her early 40s and her DH who had a son from a previous relationship is now a grandfather - he always knew and accepted that he wouldn't have any more children as the woman he married didn't want them. Another friend made it very clear to her DH early on that she didn't want children - he was fine with that as he didn't want any either. Only her biological clock DID start suddenly ticking when she was 30! For a long time she didn't dare tell him that she'd changed her mind, but when she did, she found that he loved her enough to change his own mind too.

I think many men don't feel as strongly about the issue one way or the other as women do. Both physically and life-style-wise they aren't as strongly affected as we are and so I think they're likelier to accept the choice of the women they love. I think many men are happy to accept not having children if it doesn't happen for any reason. We struggled to conceive (had IVF) and while DH was incredibly supportive all along, it was my desire for children that drove us - if I'd said "enough" he'd have accepted that we weren't meant to have any. For him, the important thing was always that he loved ME. He was incredibly happy and proud to become a Daddy, but if it hadn't happened he would just have got on with it and made the best of the rest of our lives together.

I don't think you should over-analyse this too much. Continue to be honest with yourself and your partner, and if you really love each other then I believe you will work it out together.

bargainbetty

Gloomendoom wrote: »

It is normal for women to want children.

If it wasn't, nobody would bat an eyelid when they don't.

No, it is normal for a species to have a pre-programmed genetic urge to reproduce. This is common to all species and both genders.

Since women are the carrying parent, socio-legal systems evolved over to control their behaviour to enable men to continue their genetic bloodlines in a structured environment. This was and in many countries continues to be via the subjugation of the female. 51% of humanity told that there is no alternative for thousands of years.

Until comparatively recently in historical terms, a woman would have to give up work upon marriage, and were actively condemned if they didn't want to do it so they could have a child. Spinster is a far less friendly word than bachelor, isn't it. An unmarried man is sowing his oats, an unmarried woman is just unnatural.

Humans have evolved/are still evolving to understand contraception, the cost of child-rearing in financial and practical terms, alternative options, population needs v control and many other factors that allow people to make concious decisions about their lives, their bodies and their contribution to the gene pool.

In the last 50 years, women in the developed world have finally been able to make constructive choices about their lives. They are not 'destined' to be 'only' mothers and have the option to make a contribution to the world in another way. That some choose to do both is wonderful, for them.

We have choices. We have options. The fact that more and more people, not just women, are choosing to not have children or openly admitting that they do not want them should tell you that 'normal' is both subjective and dated.

I didn't used to think I was normal. I was made to feel like I was evil, cold, heartless and wicked for not wanting children. It took me a long time to realise that there is nothing wrong with me. I am a warm, loving and very family-oriented person. I am Aunt to countless children, not all blood relatives. However, I want to live my life, not someone else's. Surely wanting to make your own choice about what happens to your own body and life is the most perfectly normal thing in the world?

I am in open admiration of parents. I think they do an amazing job. I feel the same about sewer repair men, it's terribly important at the time, but it doesn't mean I want to participate.

Stop referring to people as abnormal because they don't think like you. They have a different opinion. That is quite normal in humans.

*steps off soapbox, dusts down*

Goldiegirl

blobbydoodaah wrote: »

My children are my legacy..... Lots of hard work but when eventually letting them go into the world to hopefully make it a better place for everyone...

A couple of thoughts - why not go out into the world yourself and make it a better place for everyone? what if your children thought, I know, I'll have kids and leave them as a legacy to world....nothing would get done ever, because people were so intent of 'creating a legacy', rather than getting things done now.


The other thought, the whole thing abut having children so they can do something for YOU, whether it's leaving a legacy, looking after you in your old age, carrying on the family name, is a very weak and selfish reason for procreating.


I'm still looking forward to hearing reasons for have children which aren't about doing something for the parents or doing it because it's the society norm.