Why should I have children???

Newlyboughthouse

Hi!

27 y/o female here, been in a relationship for 3.5 years with a man who does eventually want kids.

I know I never will want them. I have no maternal instinct and feel the world is overpopulated as it is. The way I see it, people seem to be 'breeding' because they still believe that is why they are on this planet for, which nowadays is totally wrong (just my opinion).

I have spoken to him about this and asked if he feels he is wasting time with me, and if so, to say so. He is convinced I will change my mind though. Would you finish things to be cruel to be kind in my position?

Any older folk out there who never had kids and are glad they made that decision?

Sick to death of everyone nudging me saying 'your turn' or 'you'll change your mind' or 'but you're such a natural' or 'don't you want someone to look after you when you're older?' arrrggghhhhh.

Would really like to see people's views

persa

Some people just don't get it. It is possible to be a well-rounded female and not want children.

You should ask him how he would feel if you never changed your mind and/or you were unable to have children.

However... You seem to be opposed to making more babies as opposed to being a mum. How would you/he feel about one day adopting?

Kids are a dealbreaker for me - I think both halves should have the same view, no matter what that might be.

BitterAndTwisted

If you are absolutely certain and determined not to have any children then you are wasting this man's time and he's living in cloud-cuckoo-land if he thinks there's a chance of you changing your mind.

You need to be in a relationship where there are shared values and shared plans for the future. This is not the right man for you.

When I was young I always assumed I'd find the right man, marry and have kids at some point in the future like everyone else. I didn't but I have no regrets. I could have decided to have a child/children on my own like some of my friends if I felt that strongly about it, but I'm really glad now that I made a different choice. I think I'd have made a terrible mother anyway.

moneyistooshorttomention

You are going to have to be very very firm and quite unequivocal with your boyfriend that you WILL NOT change your mind ever no matter what. If he still doesn't seem to believe you, then get sterilised (it can be done privately if the NHS won't agree) and then tell him it seemed to be the only way to prove to him you really do mean it.

If you don't want them, then you don't want them and that's entirely up to you.

I never wanted them. Never had so much as a scrap of maternal instinct. I am the "proof of the pudding". I said I wasn't going to and I didn't and I have absolutely no regrets. I've often said that I wouldn't have wanted them even if I had had absolutely ideal circumstances for it, ie wonderful marriage to helpful and well-paid man and a cast-iron guarantee my body would be exactly the same "after" as "before" (and that's far from a given I understand).

Children do take a toll on relationships/money/your body and restrict other choices you could make as to what to do with your life.

If your boyfriend has decided to stay with you regardless of the fact you don't intend to have children, then its down to one of two things:
- he hopes he will change your mind at some point (in which case he doesn't love you enough for yourself)

OR

- he loves you a LOT and has made his choice that he would rather have you than children.

It's his decision to stay with you. He is responsible for his own choices. If he is hoping to change your mind, then HE is the one "wasting his time", as you've told him how it is, so you certainly aren't doing so. You have told him the position and it's up to him.

Newlyboughthouse

Damn right! You can be a well-rounded female without popping out kids.

Babies can be cute and all, but I just prefer the company of dogs and cats full stop, so I think adopting would be out of the question too.

I don't think I will ever develop that 'void' that a lot of women say they get, that can only be filled with children.

I have one friend who has just had a child and I am considering cutting ties with her because she actually looks down on me slightly now, saying I will never have that love that she has experienced. I don't really feel like I'm missing out though to be honest with you?

I posed the question of, 'what if I never change my mind' to him, and he just kind of changed the subject. Am I now being selfish staying with him while he could be finding his 'mate'?

mrcow

You don't need to finish with him.

As long as you are being up front about never wanting children and making it clear that you are not going to change your mind, it's up to him to come to the decision as to whether being with you is wasted time on his part.

Loads of people don't have children (for whatever reason), even though at some point they thought they would and are perfectly happy. Maybe for him, it's just not a dealbreaker.

Errata

Newlyboughthouse wrote: »

I posed the question of, 'what if I never change my mind' to him, and he just kind of changed the subject. Am I now being selfish staying with him while he could be finding his 'mate'?

Depends on whether you want a relationship with a man who sticks his head in the sand.

Newlyboughthouse

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

If you are absolutely certain and determined not to have any children then you are wasting this man's time and he's living in cloud-cuckoo-land if he thinks there's a chance of you changing your mind.

You need to be in a relationship where there are shared values and shared plans for the future. This is not the right man for you.

It's just so hard, we have plans to build our dream home together and have just put down a deposit for a dog together etc. You have answered my question and I knew all along really. The solution is easy on paper but in reality, my god it's difficult. Need to have another sit down with him

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

When I was young I always assumed I'd find the right man, marry and have kids at some point in the future like everyone else. I didn't but I have no regrets. I could have decided to have a child/children on my own like some of my friends if I felt that strongly about it, but I'm really glad now that I made a different choice. I think I'd have made a terrible mother anyway.

Me too. I'm far too selfish and children just annoy me. I know they say 'it's different when it's your own' but I'd rather just enjoy my life, have loads of money to retire with, build my dream home. These dreams would be much more distant with kids

Yolina

Newlyboughthouse wrote: »

Would you finish things to be cruel to be kind in my position?

I have done exactly that in the past. Frankly it was best for both. It wouldn't have been fair to force the then bf who wanted kids not to have any, just as it wouldn't have been fair to force me to have them.

Any older folk out there who never had kids and are glad they made that decision?

Define older I am early 40s, never wanted kids and happy with things the way they are.

Sick to death of everyone nudging me saying 'your turn' or 'you'll change your mind' or 'but you're such a natural' or 'don't you want someone to look after you when you're older?' arrrggghhhhh.

I've always just ignored all that, if you don't want kids, you don't want kids - end of. It's not like you can hand them back for a refund within 2 weeks :rotfl: Though the best reply to the "someone to look after you when you're older" is that the money you're not spending on sprogs will nicely pay for some help when you need it.

Newlyboughthouse

Yolina wrote: »

I have done exactly that in the past. Frankly it was best for both. It wouldn't have been fair to force the then bf who wanted kids not to have any, just as it wouldn't have been fair to force me to have them.

Define older I am early 40s, never wanted kids and happy with things the way they are.

Hehe - older than me - good for you, glad you're enjoying life

Yolina wrote: »

I've always just ignored all that, if you don't want kids, you don't want kids - end of. It's not like you can hand them back for a refund within 2 weeks :rotfl: Though the best reply to the "someone to look after you when you're older" is that the money you're not spending on sprogs will nicely pay for some help when you need it.

That's gotta be the worst response when I divulge to people that I don't want kids. What a flipping selfish reason to have kids anyway! And yes I plan to live in the very best care village out there when I lose my marbles or whatever :rotfl:

Newlyboughthouse

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

You are going to have to be very very firm and quite unequivocal with your boyfriend that you WILL NOT change your mind ever no matter what. If he still doesn't seem to believe you, then get sterilised (it can be done privately if the NHS won't agree) and then tell him it seemed to be the only way to prove to him you really do mean it.

If you don't want them, then you don't want them and that's entirely up to you.

I never wanted them. Never had so much as a scrap of maternal instinct. I am the "proof of the pudding". I said I wasn't going to and I didn't and I have absolutely no regrets. I've often said that I wouldn't have wanted them even if I had had absolutely ideal circumstances for it, ie wonderful marriage to helpful and well-paid man and a cast-iron guarantee my body would be exactly the same "after" as "before" (and that's far from a given I understand).

Children do take a toll on relationships/money/your body and restrict other choices you could make as to what to do with your life.

If your boyfriend has decided to stay with you regardless of the fact you don't intend to have children, then its down to one of two things:
- he hopes he will change your mind at some point (in which case he doesn't love you enough for yourself)

OR

- he loves you a LOT and has made his choice that he would rather have you than children.

It's his decision to stay with you. He is responsible for his own choices. If he is hoping to change your mind, then HE is the one "wasting his time", as you've told him how it is, so you certainly aren't doing so. You have told him the position and it's up to him.

This is certainly the easier answer for me. He is such a lovely man and I love him with all my heart. I just worry he is so laid back and doesn't really look into the future too seriously that he isn't taking what I have said to him seriously enough. Another chat required - asking him to think honestly whether he thinks he'll change my mind OR if he loves me so much that he's willing to be with me even though I don't want children.