Why should I have children???

ruby-roo_2

Just by reading your post I am convinced you wont change your mind about having children. I cant imagine that at any time you have given your boyfriend any mixed messages over this either. So he seems to be burying his head in the sand, and not facing that a future with you means he has to give up on the chance of becoming a dad. I think you two need to have a very frank and open chat with each other. It might well mean the end of your relationship but better that than staying with someone that has different life goals.

moneyistooshorttomention

I do wonder sometimes whether your body's hormones sometimes influence your thinking.

One of the blessings of having passed the menopause is that I'm much more certain my thoughts and emotions are my own, rather than being hormone-induced iyswim.

I look back in utter astonishment at the men I used to "get my knickers in a twist" about and can see (with benefit of hindsight) that it wasn't ME at all that felt that way, it was my hormones and Mother Nature was playing tricks on me to try and get me to settle with one of them regardless of whether it was right for me.

I am so pleased that I managed to stick to my guns, regardless of what Mother Nature and my hormones were up to between them and navigate around the "biology as destiny" hurdle.

Fortunately though, as I said, I literally never had so much as one single moment of wanting children for one second.

OP - do be careful to make sure your own body cant turn traitor and find ways round The Pill (or whatever it is you are using), just in case of any "hormonal switches" being flipped in the process and/or your boyfriend putting pressure on you to keep it. One of the reasons I got sterilised was to avoid any risk of "hormonal switches" being flipped against me by my own body if The Pill had failed me (which it never did).

Newlyboughthouse

LilElvis wrote: »

Of course there is a possibility that you will change your mind. I did, but even then was only 100% sure when I was left devastated after an early miscarriage. I then spent several more years of trying, without success, and ultimately went through several emotionally and financially costly rounds of IVF before I had my daughter at age 43. As a positive we were more financially secure when we had her - when she was 2 weeks old we went to the bank and paid off the balance of our mortgage, bar a couple of thousand to keep our options open. I've also been lucky enough that we could afford for me to stay at home with her in her early years and am now starting to think about what I want to do regarding my career as she starts school in a week.

Just thought that it might add a different slant to hear from someone who was also, at your age, totally convinced that motherhood was the last thing I wanted from life but subsequently had a change of heart.

I mean I'm not naive enough to think I'll never ever change my mind. I've changed my mind about lots of things in the past as is human nature, which is another reason I think dumping him now may be rash. Please don't take this to mean I may change my mind because I am definitely sticking to my guns (for now) :rotfl:

By the way, just on a completely separate note and changing the subject momentarily to mortgage advice, what do you mean by

LilElvis wrote: »

we went to the bank and paid off the balance of our mortgage, bar a couple of thousand to keep our options open.

?

Why would you need a couple of thousand remaining on your mortgage - sorry to sound dim but I am planning on paying mortgage off super quick, is that wise?

Chezcat

I am 54 and have never wanted children, no maternal instinct at all and my partner of 35 years feels the same way. We have received comments over the years about who will look after us when we are old but that is no reason to have kids plus its no guarantee that they will help you out anyway. We are all different, some love parenthood and some do not. You must do what you feel is right for you.

Newlyboughthouse

Horseunderwater wrote: »

Just to give a slightly different aspect - I have been morbidly obese for many years, never thought I would meet a bloke who liked me, but I did & I did have one child, but no more. She'll be 19 in January & is off to Uni vey shortly. She has told me that she does not want her own kids, but wants to adopt some. I'm happy for her to do what makes her happy. I also had a work colleague in the 80's, who got married & both of them decided that they wanted the fun stuff in life, but no kids. Everyone is different & if you truly do not want one - then don't. No one but you & a partner can decide what is right for you both. You could tell him that you're thinking of being steralised & then see how he reaxts. Good luck etc.

Ah good for your daughter - adopting, while not for me as I want a child-free life altogether - is a truly amazing thing to do. So many unwanted kids in the world in need of a loving home!

I think I will tell him I may get sterilised. Save going for the jab every 3 months anyway!

Person_one

I'm not much older than you, but I've discovered that its not actually that easy to find a man who doesn't want children at some point in the future. Most of them are pretty vague about it. They definitely don't want them right now, but they've got this idea in their heads of looking sensitive holding a newborn, or playing football with a couple of boys, or walking a daughter up the aisle. Very few of them know what to say if you ask them if they'd be prepared to take extended paternity leave, go part time for a few years and take on the role of primary carer for the brood they want!

Don't even contemplate making any kind of long term commitment until you've got this issue sorted. Personally, I don't even go on first dates with men who want children, it reduces the pool substantially but its better to be happy on your own than with somebody who wants a completely different life and future.

Yes, technically you might change your mind, but you're 27 and loved up, I suspect if you were going to ever be broody it would have happened by now. He might well decide to give up on the idea of children and you could live happily into old age together, but far more likely is that the relationship would be on borrowed time and he'd sod off at some point with somebody who will make babies with him.

Sorry, its a rough situation.

meer53

OP, you need to have a very serious chat with your OH about your feelings. Building a dream home and being financially secure is fantastic for you both, but once you have this, your OH may start to think about other things. Like wanting children.

Having the perfect house and money in the bank is probably very nice (i'll never know that feeling !) but nothing for me can replace the happiness my children give me. If your OH does eventually want to have children, your relationship may suffer. Are you going to be prepared for this to happen ? Or more importantly, is he ?

Your friend is right OP, until you have a baby, you cannot describe the love that you feel. It's completely different from how you feel for a partner. I know not everyone wants to have children and i respect that, but, you should really try to make your OH understand how you feel sooner rather than later.

Just out of curiosity, how would you feel if he decided that he couldn't stay with you because of this ?

LilElvis

Newlyboughthouse wrote: »

By the way, just on a completely separate note and changing the subject momentarily to mortgage advice, what do you mean by

?

Why would you need a couple of thousand remaining on your mortgage - sorry to sound dim but I am planning on paying mortgage off super quick, is that wise?

We've lived in our house for 10 years and effectively paid it off after 6. We still have a substantial amount of readily available money but didn't want to close out the mortgage totally as we have a mortgage reserve of over 1/4 million which we can access without having to go through approvals/ pay fees - we can just write a cheque directly from the reserve account. It's also locked in at a ridiculously low interest rate which wouldn't be available now. It looks likely that we will build an extension next year so we may well dip into it then - daughter will get her own sitting room/study/toy store and I will get my dream kitchen. Far cheaper than moving and we love the house!

Newlyboughthouse

meer53 wrote: »

Your friend is right OP, until you have a baby, you cannot describe the love that you feel. It's completely different from how you feel for a partner.

I'm sure it is, but I really don't feel that I'm missing out and that I need to experience this feeling. Also, I'm a worrier, and I wouldn't want to go through half of what I put my parents through in my teens! Worry would be exacerbated by this intense love.

meer53 wrote: »

I know not everyone wants to have children and i respect that, but, you should really try to make your OH understand how you feel sooner rather than later.

Just out of curiosity, how would you feel if he decided that he couldn't stay with you because of this ?

I would be gutted, but would understand. It would be a massive upheaval and we would have to share custody of the dog, and he would want to move out. It would be emotionally and practically difficult. But I love him so I would 'let him go' so to speak.

meer53

Newlyboughthouse wrote: »

I'm sure it is, but I really don't feel that I'm missing out and that I need to experience this feeling. Also, I'm a worrier, and I wouldn't want to go through half of what I put my parents through in my teens! Worry would be exacerbated by this intense love.



I would be gutted, but would understand. It would be a massive upheaval and we would have to share custody of the dog, and he would want to move out. It would be emotionally and practically difficult. But I love him so I would 'let him go' so to speak.

So you're living in the hope he will change, and he's living in the hope that you will change ?

If it were me, i would sort this out before complicating things with building your dream home. This is far more important.

I currently have a teenager and my son is now 27, neither give me cause to worry I count my blessings every day.