When you children are no longer kids.

bagpuss38

As an aside I should mention that daughter has had £195 bestival tickets as her graduation present a takeaway to celebrate her job and just last week a keyring for her new locker key.
So she doesn't go without.... either with love or gifts.

Savvy_Sue

bagpuss38 wrote: »

I'm tired of being blamed for everything that goes wrong in her life and for my so called failings as a parent.

I'm not surprised. Next time she starts to list your failings and blame you, why not try something like "I'm sorry I was such an awful mother, but what I clearly failed to teach you was that life is tough, life is not fair, deal with it." and then move on, change the subject or leave the room.

Not that I'm suggesting you are an awful mother, but sometimes it brings them up short.

Mojisola wrote: »

Children need to learn that life isn't always comfortable, that others (including Mum and Dad) sometimes come first and that they have to pull their weight in the family.

If you've always smoothed the path for her, she will still be expecting that to happen. She's going to struggle a bit with the idea that the younger ones will now get things that she got when she was young (but that they won't get when they are her age) and that she's sometimes got to be the one who buys the treats.

I would have asked her if she wanted to come on the family trip because she's still part of the family and it's not nice to be the only one left out.

Yes, I always ask my lot if they want to do X, Y or Z when they're at home (not often now). The answer is rarely yes, but then they can't say they weren't invited.

bagpuss38 wrote: »

My son came to comfort me, having been the receiving end of his sister (they haven't spoken in 4 years. Her choice)

Is this the 19 year old, or the younger one? TBH I wouldn't allow such behaviour towards a young child, but if it's the older one I think that not speaking to people is generally a very childish and immature response.

And she broke the silence to have a go at him? Yup, there is some growing up needs to happen.

ampersand

No justification needed, bagpuss.

Stop churning yourself up now, as person one says.

The old advice 'sleep on it' has sound reason as its basis, as most of these old sayings do.

bagpuss38

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

I'm not surprised. Next time she starts to list your failings and blame you, why not try something like "I'm sorry I was such an awful mother, but what I clearly failed to teach you was that life is tough, life is not fair, deal with it." and then move on, change the subject or leave the room.

Not that I'm suggesting you are an awful mother, but sometimes it brings them up short.

Yes, I always ask my lot if they want to do X, Y or Z when they're at home (not often now). The answer is rarely yes, but then they can't say they weren't invited.

Is this the 19 year old, or the younger one? TBH I wouldn't allow such behaviour towards a young child, but if it's the older one I think that not speaking to people is generally a very childish and immature response.

And she broke the silence to have a go at him? Yup, there is some growing up needs to happen.

Thanks for the response and the suggestions.

No she hasn't broken the silence. It still continues.

bagpuss38

ampersand wrote: »

No justification needed, bagpuss.

Stop churning yourself up now, as person one says.

The old advice 'sleep on it' has sound reason as its basis, as most of these old sayings do.

Thanks Ambersand.
I feel sleep maybe beyond my reach tonight, the churning persists

Dozey_crow

There seems to be a lot going on for your daughter here that stretches beyond simply not being asked to go out for a day trip.
I have siblings who are 13 and 11 years younger than me respectively and it is hard for quite some time. We are 20's\30's now and it does get better.

I did take them out, played with them and has a pretty good relationship with them overall but I didn't want to go on any trips although I did get asked. My bug bear at the time was them being bought things that had been a "waste of money" when I was their age such as expensive trainers for PE. I used to get the pi55 taken out of me for my budget ones (sent way beyond ribbing I can tell you!) and begged and begged but NO. Yet now- a decade on it was oh so important. It wasn't that I wanted my parents to take the same stance and the others to get bullied it was that I wanted some vindication that they were wrong. All I got was "will things were different then" ERM no they weren't!

Bio dad was a pig but I was young when mun and dad split and I saw him for 10 ish years every weekend. He spent a lot of this time ' making his side right' by telling me all about what an awful person mum was. Knowing that as a young opinionated child I would relay it all to mum when I went home. Mum never responded to any of this but my nan (her mum) did and would talk about what actually happened which was that Dad left after being abusive and a number of affairs ran off with a much younger family member who he later married. But as a young child you don't know what to believe or who. Two people you love and trust are telling different stories and one is keeping a dignified silence it's a lot for a child to process.

I am wondering if your daughter as the oldest saw/heard/was told things by either parent that she cant reconcile with the type of father her brother formed a bond with? Then she may think there is something wrong with her because she sees things differently to everyone or that her brother is a complete traitor because your her mum and he should stick up for you by disassociating with him or saying bad things if he is dead.

Him being dead may also play a part with misplaced guilt etc. I think that counseling is a good idea if you can get her to agree. Be careful how you approach it though our she will interpret it that you think she's nuts and go off on one.

As for blaming you.. Yes we'll as effectively a single parent and the only person available from that time you are 'it' no one else to blame and all of these emotions and feelings that she can't understand have to go somewhere! If it's any consolation my younger sister the oldest of the two also blames my Mum for everything until Dad gets cross with her then Mums great again and they are very much together.

I am sorry for all of your distress but I think that you will get through it, you sound like a lovely thoughtful mum and she will realize in time.

bagpuss38

Thanks for taking the time to reply dozy. I'll respond as best as I can.

I suppose yes we are in a better place emotionally and financially than we were when she was little. But I was only 18 when I had her.
We may not of had much but she never went with out anything.
I made sure they ate even if I didn't

I like your mum kept quiet, I tried to encourage a relationship with her father, who before he died I had an amicable relationship with me and my new partner.
She was having none of it and constantly band mouthed her father to me and her little brother. Yes she is angry about alot of stuff and has had numerous counselling including bereavement.

I've barely slept and feel like death. Its pouring with rain which helps my mood no end.
I know I should probably build bridges but right now I just want to be away from her and her nastiness.
I don't feel I deserve the venom bring sent my way .

Savvy_Sue

This is just an idea, but, have you thought about asking her what you could do to make things better between you?

Then think about the answers she gives, maybe reflect them back to her.

My revelation that I needed to teach my boys "life is tough, life isn't fair, deal with it" came when DS1 was quite young, maybe 10 or so. He didn't think it was fair if one of his brothers had a friend to play and he didn't, or went to play with a friend and he wasn't invited anywhere. And in that context, his idea of 'fair' was that he should always be able to have a friend to play, and they never should, and he should have new toys bought for him whenever he wanted, and they never should, and so on.

Clearly, that needed knocking on the head.

Now, if she's struck dumb by the question "what can I do to make things better" you might have some ideas - shall we go to a film together, would you like to meet up for coffee after work, go for lunch etc.

And if her ideas are 'not on' - give me money, pay for my holiday, let me get away with not helping around the house etc - then you a) know what you're up against and b) you can start to address the unrealistic expectations she's built up about life, the universe, and her place at the centre of it.

Pollycat

Fab advice from Savvy Sue - let's hope that she stops the silent treatment soon and you can have a good talk with each other.

As for today, get your wellies and waterproofs out and enjoy the day you had planned with your little ones.

bagpuss38

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

This is just an idea, but, have you thought about asking her what you could do to make things better between you?

Then think about the answers she gives, maybe reflect them back to her.

My revelation that I needed to teach my boys "life is tough, life isn't fair, deal with it" came when DS1 was quite young, maybe 10 or so. He didn't think it was fair if one of his brothers had a friend to play and he didn't, or went to play with a friend and he wasn't invited anywhere. And in that context, his idea of 'fair' was that he should always be able to have a friend to play, and they never should, and he should have new toys bought for him whenever he wanted, and they never should, and so on.

Clearly, that needed knocking on the head.

Now, if she's struck dumb by the question "what can I do to make things better" you might have some ideas - shall we go to a film together, would you like to meet up for coffee after work, go for lunch etc.

And if her ideas are 'not on' - give me money, pay for my holiday, let me get away with not helping around the house etc - then you a) know what you're up against and b) you can start to address the unrealistic expectations she's built up about life, the universe, and her place at the centre of it.

When she feels like talking, I'll be here. Just like always.

I have asked her to come out for lunch just me and her. She said no she was busy etc.
I asked her to go out for dinner to celebrate her new job.she said she couldn't be arsed.