When you children are no longer kids.

arbroath_lass

bagpuss38 wrote: »

I've included her in stuff before only to have been rebuked by "I'm going out with my mates" but then told you should ask me.
Can't win really.

Keep inviting her, that way you can't lose. She MAY have other plans, that's allowed, but at least she'll feel included.


I don't think saying she has other plans IS a rebuke, either.


Don't discuss her with her brother, that really is not on.


You both seem to be feeling hurt. I think counselling is something you should consider.

whitewing

missbiggles1 wrote: »

And because she's working and doesn't get school holidays.

What 22 year old wants to waste a day's leave on going out for the day with her parents?

A 22 year old with young siblings on a bank holiday?

Person_one

missbiggles1 wrote: »

And because she's working and doesn't get school holidays.

What 22 year old wants to waste a day's leave on going out for the day with her parents?

Sorry, I must have missed a memo, at what age was I supposed to stop caring about my parents and siblings and enjoying their company?

TheEffect

bagpuss38 wrote: »

Thank you for all your responses.
Definitely food for thought.

I feel that all though her childhood has been far from perfect.
It was better than mine ever was.
I suffered neglect etc due an alcoholic mother and distant father.
spent 2 years in care.
And i have forged my life on my own after my father decided his new family were more important than me.
I've not had very gd role models as parents and have pretty much winged it.
But I've given everything I have to my children sometimes to my own detriment.
I never wanted them to feel how I felt, and have the best childhood possible but life threw stuff that was beyond my control.
I adore all my children and would never favour one over the other.

I'm tired of being blamed for everything that goes wrong in her life and for my so called failings as a parent.

As I said thank you all for your experiences and opinions I appreciate your input xx

bagpuss38 wrote: »

Thank you for your comments.

The thing is I'm always there. Every single thing that has happened to her I've been there and helped and supported.
I couldn't do anymore.
Yes I know we all revert back to being a kid when hurt or upset.
She as well as her other siblings are my priority.

The amount of times my parents have had to pick up the pieces, glue me back together, watch me make mistakes and then blame them, and the amount of times I haven't given them the respect and appreciating they deserved.... yet they are always there, and are always the first people I go to when I'm in trouble.

Two years ago when I was your daughters age, I'd decided I didn't want to complete my final year of university... my parents advised me to stay and finish it off, yet I ignored them, quit university and ended up unhappy and cleaning tables for minimum wage. I blamed my parents for 'not pushing me hard enough' and 'letting me quit'... well I went back to university and graduated last month. All along, they were right, yet I ignored them, then had the cheek to blame them because I needed someone, anyone but myself, to blame for my own mess.

Now, I look back and cringe at what an ungrateful, sometimes spiteful, and selfish person I was, however I was still very naive and immature (and probably still am).

You're doing great. Living with your adult kids isn't always easy, but they will look back when they're older and thank you for all the bruises you took to mold them into who they are.

WolfSong2000

Families can be tricky things...my father has always made it blatantly clear that my younger sister is his favorite - not saying for a second that he doesn't love me - just that my sister is very much a "daddy's girl" and always has been. My mother oscillates between insisting that my sister is a "lovely person" and that she is an evil b*tch who is trying to break apart my parents marriage...sadly there is some truth to the latter as sister does a very good job at driving a wedge between my parents to ensure that all my father's attention is lavished on her.

The biggest gripe I have - and it may be the same for your daughter - is the assumptions that can be made. In your daughter's case it's assuming that she would not even want to be asked if she'd liked to be involved in family activities (even if she decides to decline). For me, because my sister always insisted on my father taking her shopping and buying her things, my father always used to sigh and say to me "as I bought [your sister] something then I guess I will have to buy you something too". I always declined and really didn't like the attitude - it may be something to bear in mind with your daughter (not for a second suggesting you behave in this way, for the record!).

Lily-Rose_3

I won't quote it as it's a wee bit long, but I LOVE the post by 'The Effect.' (a couple of posts back...) LOVE it.

Well done on completing university by the way!

missbiggles1

Person_one wrote: »

Sorry, I must have missed a memo, at what age was I supposed to stop caring about my parents and siblings and enjoying their company?

Caring doesn't come into it - most young adults would have better things to do with their time than spend it at the seaside with their parents, however much they might love them.

She sounds to me as if she's being a dog in the manger about this and using emotional blackmail on her mother to make her feel bad about it - not a trait that should be encouraged.

bagpuss38

Person_one wrote: »

Think logically about this, it sounds like you're saying that she should either accept every invitation or accept never being invited! I know you're upset now but I'm sure if you weren't you'd see that's not quite right.

Thanks your response.

I'm not saying never be invited but to not be surprised if I don't ask everytime cos im assuming she's busy or not interested.

bagpuss38

whitewing wrote: »

To me, your elder daughter is young to not be talking to her brother for 4 years. Would it be worth suggesting a trip to the GP to be referred for counselling so that she can start to sort out her conflicting feelings. She sounds like she loves you and wants to be part of the family so that is good. But she also sounds like a bit of a scapegoat (although I concede she may simply be a pain in the arris).

She had a love/hate relationship with her dad.
more love than hate.
Her brother was only little when their dad was around( he was abusive and bullying to me).
My son doesn't remember any of this and was happy to go visit his dad.
My daughter is angry with him because he was happy to have a relationship with someone she couldn't stand.

I wouldn't say she is a scapegoat but is the occasional pain in the arris.

TheEffect

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Caring doesn't come into it - most young adults would have better things to do with their time than spend it at the seaside with their parents, however much they might love them.

She sounds to me as if she's being a dog in the manger about this and using emotional blackmail on her mother to make her feel bad about it - not a trait that should be encouraged.

As a young adult, I'd love to spend a weekend at the seaside with my parents and siblings. At the end of July, we went camping in Padstow for a few days and it was great. I certainly had nothing better to do, and it would have had to have been something amazing for me to miss spending time with my family.

Not all young people are stereotypically drawn to spending the weekend downing their own weight in beer, followed by getting a greasy kebab and ending the night with "so you been busy tonight'.

Maybe I'm just sad... but I'm happy.