When you children are no longer kids.

bagpuss38

Pollycat wrote: »

Fab advice from Savvy Sue - let's hope that she stops the silent treatment soon and you can have a good talk with each other.

As for today, get your wellies and waterproofs out and enjoy the day you had planned with your little ones.

I hope so too.
All she has said to me today was can j have back the £5 I gave you. (She owed me it)
I gave her £10 as I didn't have £5.
She threw it on the bed and stomped off.


As for today, wellies are on, brollies in hand. Packed lunch made and we are awaiting our train.
Son wished us off with a cheery see ya.
Met by silence at her door

Pollycat

bagpuss38 wrote: »

I have asked her to come out for lunch just me and her. She said no she was busy etc.
I asked her to go out for dinner to celebrate her new job.she said she couldn't be arsed.

Was this before or after she wasn't invited on the day out?
If it was after, it's clear she's still got the hump and you'll just have to leave her to come out of it in her own time.

bagpuss38 wrote: »

I hope so too.
All she has said to me today was can j have back the £5 I gave you. (She owed me it)
I gave her £10 as I didn't have £5.
She threw it on the bed and stomped off.

As for today, wellies are on, brollies in hand. Packed lunch made and we are awaiting our train.
Son wished us off with a cheery see ya.
Met by silence at her door

Yep, clearly still sulking.
I wouldn't pander to her, leave her to stew it out of her system.
Then hopefully you'll be able to have that talk.

Just go and have a great day out.

Savvy_Sue

Would you have accepted this behaviour from her when she was 12? Do you accept it from the younger children? Is this how adults behave? But you'll just wait until she feels like talking to you again? Meanwhile walking on eggshells ...

bagpuss38

Pollycat wrote: »

Was this before or after she wasn't invited on the day out?
If it was after, it's clear she's still got the hump and you'll just have to leave her to come out of it in her own time.




Yep, clearly still sulking.
I wouldn't pander to her, leave her to stew it out of her system.
Then hopefully you'll be able to have that talk.

Just go and have a great day out.

The invites were way before on numerous occasions

Yup I'm leaving it.
I'm exhausted. Just wanna sit by the sea in the rain ll

bagpuss38

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

Would you have accepted this behaviour from her when she was 12? Do you accept it from the younger children? Is this how adults behave? But you'll just wait until she feels like talking to you again? Meanwhile walking on eggshells ...

To be honest when it comes to her, we are always walking on eggshells.
Anything can set her off.

Pollycat

bagpuss38 wrote: »

I have asked her to come out for lunch just me and her. She said no she was busy etc.
I asked her to go out for dinner to celebrate her new job.she said she couldn't be arsed.

Pollycat wrote: »

Was this before or after she wasn't invited on the day out?

bagpuss38 wrote: »

The invites were way before on numerous occasions

Yup I'm leaving it.
I'm exhausted. Just wanna sit by the sea in the rain ll

She sounds like a spoilt child.
Anybody who replied to my invitation for a celebratory meal out with 'I can't be arsed' would get the rough edge of my tongue - along with an assurance that they'd never be invited anywhere else again.
I just hope she's got a more mature attitude towards her employer as she may find herself out on her ear.

Don't let her stroppy attitude spoil your day out.

Put your phone or tablet away now and hit those candyfloss stalls.

double_mummy

i think its the little things that show you are thinking about her that she is missing

my dad has just come over to take my kids out - we only see him a couple of times a year - he bought sweets and toys for the kids but he also bought me a twix - it was my fave as a kid- and just little things like that showing he was thinking of me as well as others (i know its a bit different because they are my kids not siblings) but it really made me smile

i think the invitation thing she needs to grow up about there are times you are with the big ones time you are with the little ones times you are with all of them and times you are one on one with them and she needs to understand that - she had a lot of mum time as a child now its her siblings turn

get some pink candyfloss for me

bagpuss38

double_mummy wrote: »

i think its the little things that show you are thinking about her that she is missing

my dad has just come over to take my kids out - we only see him a couple of times a year - he bought sweets and toys for the kids but he also bought me a twix - it was my fave as a kid- and just little things like that showing he was thinking of me as well as others (i know its a bit different because they are my kids not siblings) but it really made me smile

i think the invitation thing she needs to grow up about there are times you are with the big ones time you are with the little ones times you are with all of them and times you are one on one with them and she needs to understand that - she had a lot of mum time as a child now its her siblings turn

get some pink candyfloss for me

Sadly I don't believe this to be the case.
I'm always picking up little bits I think she would like.
She actually gets far more than her brother ever does.

Candy floss order duly noted

Person_one

bagpuss38 wrote: »

Sadly I don't believe this to be the case.
I'm always picking up little bits I think she would like.
She actually gets far more than her brother ever does.

Candy floss order duly noted

I know it's natural to be a bit defensive, but you do seem to be placing all the blame for this on her. Is there nothing you think you could do differently to make things better, or anything you think maybe you could have got a bit wrong in the past?

Nobody's perfect, and nobody gets a manual on how to raise children, everybody makes mistakes.

I really feel for your daughter here, it does sound like she's had a pretty rough tine of it one way or another and that she'd probably benefit from a bit of outside help with getting her feelings in some order.

Better_Days

OP, I can see things are fraught right now, but when you feel up to it, it I may be worth looking a bit more long term and considering the relationship you would like to have with your daughter in the future, and how you can work towards that. If things can be repaired over the next few months you may find that when your youngest get to their teenage years your DD is a big help in supporting you through those difficult transition years.

Also it maybe worth thinking about the place/role that you and your OH see that your daughter has now in your household/family unit. At the moment it seems that your DD feels that she is isolated and excluded, and from what you have said this is partly justified. When things have calmed down a bit, I also like Savvy_Sue suggestion that you ask her how things can be improved.

The issues that she has raised with you regarding family outings and sweeties are examples of what is causing the friction in the household. So, as has been suggested above it is important that you make an effort to give her the opportunity to participate in family outings/events etc. It is not throwing it back in your face if she declines, simply that you have given her a choice and she has declined. Not all agree but I do think it is a bit mean not to buy her sweeties when you buy them for the others. For the sake of harmony a 50p favourite choccy bar might go a long way.

I'm not convinced that telling her 'life's not fair' will advance matters much. It is very difficult to treat children the same, especially taking into account, age gaps, different personalities, financial circumstances, new partners, increasing parenting experience etc. However, I do think you can make your DD feel more part of the family if as a matter of course, when you take the youngest to a Disney film, you suggest going to see a 'chick flick' or the like with your DD. Or if you take the youngest to the play park, you suggest going out shopping or the like with your DD. And always ask her if she would like to go along to the 'younger' activities, even if she always says no.

As things have got to the stage they have, I think it is likely to take a while to build trust again. My mother played favourites throughout my childhood and it resulted in a great deal of upset and resentment. Periodically she would apologise, but it meant nothing to me, as her behaviour never changed.

So, you need to build trust with your DD. Your apology may not have been well received as she is stil angry and also she may not be convinced that things will change.

I know it is difficult, but as has been mentioned below, try not to get into discussions about your DD with your other children. She is already feeling isolated and it is very corrosive if she also thinks her siblings are making fun of her and sniggering about her behind her back.

Atm you seem to be upset, but also quite negative about your DD, and also defensive. Bear in mind though that you have agreed that (even though she may have refused to go) it would have been better with hindsight to have invited her to the familiy day out. Your DD is upset and stroppy because you didn't invite her. You are upset because of your DD's behaviour. So although you feel you don't deserve the way your DD behaves, what you did triggered this particular upset. I can totally understand you wanting to get away from it (having grown up in a very emotionally charged household where there was one argument after another), but things do need to change if you don't want to be walking on eggshells until your DD leaves home.

When things have calmed down and you do have an opportunity to talk to your DD, try and make sure that you go into the converstaion with a positive mindset and have the emotional energy to deal with a difficult conversation. I really do hope that you manage to move things forward with your DD so that you as a family are all happier. It can't be pleasant for anyone when there is an 'atomosphere' in the house.

And in the meantime, have a great day out (it's piddling down with rain here), relax and recharge. Oh and candyfloss for me too please