When you children are no longer kids.

BigAunty

Pollycat wrote: »

So bagpuss isn't dealing with a rational adult, she's dealing with an irrational child in an adult's body (to quote Savvy Sue).

I think that nothing bagpuss can do will change her daughter's attitude.

It's a real shame that the daughter's issues are so deep and her immaturity so low that she couldn't address her sense of exclusion more sensitively and diplomatically.

'Hey, mum, i'd love if it I could come along to some of the planned days out in future, do you mind if I tag along or is it too late to arrange'.

However, she appears to regress or be stuck in childhood ways 'it's soooo unfair. Wail!'

It seems the daughter is obsessed with the past, carrying a sense of injustice about it (OP says she has focussed on just the bad and has amnesia about happy times and positive events).

So it looks like the daughter is in the habit of critiquing every action and utterance in order to find skewed proof that she's not valued. This has got to be unbearable for the OP who can't relax because of the constant judgements and guilt-tripping. It's clear the daughter is very effective in this regard because her place in the family and the topic of inequality is her obsession.

The daughter has to move on. Literally and emotionally. Move on and move out, she must.

This gives the OP breathing space, no requirement to tiptoe round the misery maker and gives the daughter real life to deal with instead of imaginary dramas.

I appreciate this current generation find it more expensive to move out of the family home than us older posters. But I do wonder whether she gets some kind of thrill out of kicking off at home and this type of excitement is what keeps her there, plus her belief that she is due 'more' from the OP so keeps her presence there as a reminder that the OP must keep on giving.

No wonder the OP is exhausted.

Since the daughter is unlikely to have a lightbulb moment about how her poor behaviour is causing issues in the relationship, I don't think she's going to experience any kind of positive changes. She has an embedded view of herself as a victim. OP needs to get her out of the household because she is seeking to cause a rift with the bonds she has with the other kids.

Thumper7

It may well be the case that she can only remember the bad things.


My Dad was abusive and even to this day, I'm nearing 50, all I can remember are the bad things. I can't think of one good moment that I had with my Dad and I suppose there must have been some.


T

Pollycat

Person_one wrote: »

Hang on, from what the OP has told us its not a case of her feeling it wasn't perfect, its a case of it actually being very far from perfect.

People can be affected well into adulthood by the things that happened to them when they were in their earliest years. Its not as easy as some seem to think to just shrug it all off at the age of 18 because you're a grown up now.

I'm sure lots of 22 year olds have had a very far from perfect childhood.

But do they all take it out on their Mum, stepdad and siblings?

The OP's daughter has had counselling, maybe it's worked to some extent or maybe not at all.

Perhaps it's time to revisit that.

It appears that bagpuss tried to make her daughter's childhood as good as she could:

bagpuss38 wrote: »

Your are probably right and trust me I know the good can't always out weigh the bad.
But I did everything I could to ensure her and her brother had a happy life.
Sure I couldn't shield her from the abuse but I gave her happy times, school holidays were full of fun days out, movie nights, painting crazy murals on the wall on a whim.
midnight puppet shows to ward off the bogeyman, hours spent reading, baking,
She dismisses it all and states her childhood was horrendous.

I could understand it more if bagpuss said she spent all the money on drink or drugs and left the daughter in on her own (maybe alone or with an abusive Father).

To me, it doesn't sound rational to not speak to her brother for 4 years because she is angry that he was willing to have a relationship with the Father she hated.

Thumper7 wrote: »

It may well be the case that she can only remember the bad things.

My Dad was abusive and even to this day, I'm nearing 50, all I can remember are the bad things. I can't think of one good moment that I had with my Dad and I suppose there must have been some.

T

How did you treat your Mum (and any siblings)?

CH27

Are things any calmer Bagpuss?

Keeping_Motivated

Can i suggest a book called:

Get Out of My Life: But First Take Me and Alex Into Town

I know she is not a teenager but given what she has been through and what she 'perceives' she has been through and the way you say she behaves she may be slightly immature in her emotional intelligence.

The book will help you deal with her.

Gloomendoom

bagpuss38 wrote: »

Never occurred to me that a 21 year would want to go the cinema to see disney planes

Ha ha! I'm 52 and I would/did.

Indie_Kid

I'm 25 and still go to the cinema to see Disney films.

Lily-Rose_3

Gloomendoom wrote: »

Ha ha! I'm 52 and I would/did.

Same. I am 51 this week, and love Disney. I haven't been to the cinema to see a Disney film since my daughter was about 7, but we do buy the DVDs.