When you children are no longer kids.

lulu_92

Pollycat wrote: »

I think it's quite usual for the elder children to have had less (materially) than children who come along later.

The parents are usually in a better place financially.

That was certainly the case with me and my much younger half-sister.
I've never begrudged anything she's been given, even now when she's been given considerable help financially from our parents.

I've made my own way in life and have never asked for anything from anyone.

Yeah I completely agree with you.

michelle2008

I think in this situation the daughter has has a rough childhood - yes her mum did her best - however she lived in an abusive household, and then her dad died. She has unresolved feelings about that. It's not her mums fault her dad died, and I am sure her mum left the dad as quickly as she possibly could to limit her children's exposure to this creep.

The daughter is behaving like a brat. The mum is very defensive. Nothing is going to improve if they both stay in their corners. I doubt telling the daughter to suck it up will help. She needs more counselling, in fact they should have counselling together - they both lived through this abuse and it is probably effecting their relationship in ways they don't even recognise.

The tough love can come later.

Mojisola

Pollycat wrote: »

I think it's quite usual for the elder children to have had less (materially) than children who come along later.

The parents are usually in a better place financially.

That was certainly the case with me and my much younger half-sister.

I've got several examples of this in the older generation of my family. The eldest couple of children had to leave education at 14 and start bringing money into the family. The younger children were able to stay on at school, go to college and have earned a much higher salary all their lives.

It's the way life happens - if you go through life resenting your parents or siblings as a result of an accident of birth, the only person you damage is yourself.

CH27

Mojisola wrote: »

I've got several examples of this in the older generation of my family. The eldest couple of children had to leave education at 14 and start bringing money into the family. The younger children were able to stay on at school, go to college and have earned a much higher salary all their lives.

It's the way life happens - if you go through life resenting your parents or siblings as a result of an accident of birth, the only person you damage is yourself.

That is so true.

Pollycat

Mojisola wrote: »

I've got several examples of this in the older generation of my family. The eldest couple of children had to leave education at 14 and start bringing money into the family. The younger children were able to stay on at school, go to college and have earned a much higher salary all their lives.

It's the way life happens - if you go through life resenting your parents or siblings as a result of an accident of birth, the only person you damage is yourself.

I agree.

I've helped my sister significantly over the years, both financially and emotionally because - despite the difference in our upbringings - I've always been in a better place and have had the opportunity to do that.

double_mummy

no one quite knows how to mess up a kid like a parent

antonia1

Hello again, just wanted to pop in to say that I'm sure things will work out in the end.

I had a truly terrible relationship with my stepmother as a teenager. She and my dad had two children who were bought way more for birthdays, Christmas etc, than me and my sis, while my stepdad had to provide everything he could for us and really treated us as his own.

When I got older (around 25ish) I had a lightbulb moment where I realised she was probably doing her best as she had an awful childhood herself and nobody to turn to for support.

While I'm still frustrated by the way she was, we do have a much healthier relationship since I decided to, basically, get over it.

That said, I'm sure there are things you could do to help improve the situation. Do try to think about what you do and how it will affect her. When she is ready then try to talk to her - but start with apologising. Like a real apology "I'm so sorry that my actions hurt you, I didn't mean to", rather than "Im sorry I upset you but it wasn't my fault because blah blah blah".

If it's really intolerable you could try to push her out of your home, but remember how much that could ruin any chance of a close relationship with her in the future.

Thumper7

BigAunty wrote: »

Bagpuss - are you in the position to gift her a deposit/first months rent towards a tenancy in a shared property to expedite her leaving the property quickly on good terms? Pitching the proposal as an aid to her independence and not a punishment for her recent poor behaviour?

You may find out that once she moves out, the relationship will be restored. Once she appreciates the time and effort that goes into managing household duties, gets to understand the true and unsupported cost of living, her respect towards you may increase. At the moment, she doesn't appreciate all that you do for her because she is focussing on what she thinks is missing. She has no real insight into the support, care and finances that she receives.

Also, the everyday business of living independently and her new job will give her focus, meaning she is too busy and mentally occupied to dwell on minor family disputes of the past. She may blossom in maturity and confidence.

I think most mother/daughter conflicts get resolved when they start living apart instead of clashing in the same house.

This is the last thing I think you should do. At the moment your daughter is feeling left out of the family unit. Offering her a deposit to move out is just going to reinforce that feeling.


No matter how you try and phrase it, and it may benefit her in the long run, I can guarantee your daughter will not see it that way. To your daughter it will just be you trying to get rid of her.


T

BigAunty

Thumper7 wrote: »

This is the last thing I think you should do. At the moment your daughter is feeling left out of the family unit. Offering her a deposit to move out is just going to reinforce that feeling.

Yes. I was open about the difficulties and reservations I have about this strategy. The daughter seems very sensitive to her place in the family.

But nonetheless, early twenties is a time when most adult children aim or desire to leave home.

If it weren't for the juvenile and jealous streak shown by the eldest sibling, I'd imagine it could have been a standard mother/child chat about moving on and transitioning into full independence, developing a savings strategy for the move, browsing accommodation ads together, viewing properties and so on.

I don't see why the OP has to postpone this quite natural step just because the daughter has a massive chip on her shoulder. The atmosphere would definately be better without the daughter aggravating everyone and doing the 'victim' act.

However, I do appreciate that it's a sensitive topic and pretty hard to raise with an immature adult child who is doing her best to make out she's been abandoned.

I am, however, curious as to why the daughter is still hanging about, perhaps its just a question of economics, waiting until she's secured a job first or if there is an emotional reason why (such as being determined to extract every ounce of 'mothering' out of the OP because she feels it is 'due' and because she can't bear for her step-siblings to have their mother to themselves).

Person_one

It's not at all unusual for people to still be at home at 22 these days.