When you children are no longer kids.

BigAunty

bagpuss38 wrote: »

I feel that all though her childhood has been far from perfect.
It was better than mine ever was.
I suffered neglect etc due an alcoholic mother and distant father.
spent 2 years in care.

I don't dispute this but it's not really relevant to her - this is something that you are able to clearly compare and contrast but nothing that she has to factor into her relationship with you. This is about you, not you and her. She has only her actual experiences of family life to go on.

Brighton_belle

Person_one wrote: »

I really feel for your daughter here, it does sound like she's had a pretty rough tine of it one way or another and that she'd probably benefit from a bit of outside help with getting her feelings in some order.

bagpuss38 wrote: »

Yes she is angry about alot of stuff and has had numerous counselling including bereavement.

bagpuss38 wrote: »

I asked her to go out for dinner to celebrate her new job.she said she couldn't be arsed.

I feel really sorry for both of them. And her DD appears to have had numerous counselling sessions. Her mum tries to reach out an gets knocked back.


OP I wonder if the two of you could try some counselling sessions together - perhaps via Relate? Perhaps this episode is the final straws that will help you find the solutions you need to help your daughter.
But please, as others have said, don't keep beating yourself up: you're human too and we are all flawed.

BigAunty

She does sound very immature, even if there are deep-seated issues behind it. She comes across as a teenager rather than a young woman and you come across as someone she tries to manipulate through guilt-tripping (it seems to be working by the level of exhaustion and stress that you feel).

She seems unable to articulate her issues, suggest solutions to them or act in a balanced matter. Demanding sweeties? Jealousy of siblings? Sending people to coventry? Throwing things? Insults? Hello!

You have been ground down through guilt and having to walk on eggshells while she demands not just equality or parity with others, but to be the centre of attention. The tantrums she has shows that she thinks all attention, any attention, is good attention.

So how do you think you could encourage her to move on and move out of the family property and be truly independent without her feeling that she's been thrown out as she's quite sensitive about her place in the home?

Most young women strive to leave home when they can as a normal part of growing up and particularly when there is domestic conflict. What is the reason why she is not showing any real motivation to leave? Are most of her friends still living with their parents?

And also, why are you not trying to incentivise her to leave? Many other parents would have given their marching orders due to the anti social behaviour and atmosphere caused in the house. You are the boss, not sure why there's no much tip-toeing and cowing towards her.

ampersand

Dear bagpuss - look at the time!

Why is your light still green?

You should be having your Big Rain Day at the beach, with all sorts of sillies and wet mucky nonsense and paddling and Memory Bank building........'x, look at these photos. Ask Nana about the time we had the rainiest day ever at the beach. It was supposed to be summer Bank Holiday, typical England....remember that day Mum?'[this is all to you bagpuss, in years to come.]

Even if you are on train or already at the sea, being on mse still means you're being dictated to by someone who should have outgrown the mini-monster stage. She may well be frightened by the hold she seems to have over you and the power she exercises which has so far been unchallenged, unlimited - she won't admit it - #96, but YOU are the parent. SHE is behaving like the child her age no longer sanctions.

University Degree, job...good grief! YOU, bagpuss, have enabled these achievements, and from what a start!

I even want to say WoMan UP Bagpuss, for her sake and for yours! Bullies are longing to be bested deep down, and most of her stuff is petty name-calling and superficial, but yes, it can wound.

YOU set the agenda. Enough is enough. And how straightforward and perceptive of your son. His cheery 'Bye Mum, see ya' is spot on normal, nice and all the proof you need that you are a cracker!

Candyfloss for me too please....and major sand-building engineering, dams, tunnels, or Ducks and Drakes if it's pebbly.

On another Thread;), where your posts are always welcomed, I listed HAVING to find a stone with a hole through it at every beach I visit. Another job for today:D - for everyone. Instant memories when they're strung together later.

Pollycat's right about her attitude and behaviour in employment too. Again from other Thread, we know you are a hard worker, with often difficult hours, which reality check daughter has so far been spared.

'but you do seem to be placing all the blame for this on her' - rightly, except that bagpuss doesn't 'blame'.

Goodness me, this navel-gazing labyrinthitis is the last thing that will bring you, her and family back on an even keel.

Now, switch off the machine:) - said and sent with caring strength and hugs for the rest of the day.

BigAunty

Bagpuss - are you in the position to gift her a deposit/first months rent towards a tenancy in a shared property to expedite her leaving the property quickly on good terms? Pitching the proposal as an aid to her independence and not a punishment for her recent poor behaviour?

You may find out that once she moves out, the relationship will be restored. Once she appreciates the time and effort that goes into managing household duties, gets to understand the true and unsupported cost of living, her respect towards you may increase. At the moment, she doesn't appreciate all that you do for her because she is focussing on what she thinks is missing. She has no real insight into the support, care and finances that she receives.

Also, the everyday business of living independently and her new job will give her focus, meaning she is too busy and mentally occupied to dwell on minor family disputes of the past. She may blossom in maturity and confidence.

I think most mother/daughter conflicts get resolved when they start living apart instead of clashing in the same house.

CH27

I have a friend who has two sons with a 18year age gap.

Son 1 was born when mum was 18 & in an abusive relationship. She left & struggled alone with her son for 10 years. She gave this son everything she possibly could. Money was short but time & love certainly wasn't.

Son 2 was born after mum met someone else & moved to a better area with him. Money was more plentiful but son 2 wasn't ruined.

Son 1 is so so jealous of what he perceives to be son 2's better life.

Nothing mum can say or do can solve this issue & she just keeps on treating them fairly eg driving lessons.

lulu_92

CH27 wrote: »

I have a friend who has two sons with a 18year age gap.

Son 1 was born when mum was 18 & in an abusive relationship. She left & struggled alone with her son for 10 years. She gave this son everything she possibly could. Money was short but time & love certainly wasn't.

Son 2 was born after mum met someone else & moved to a better area with him. Money was more plentiful but son 2 wasn't ruined.

Son 1 is so so jealous of what he perceives to be son 2's better life.

Nothing mum can say or do can solve this issue & she just keeps on treating them fairly eg driving lessons.

I can see where Son 1 is coming from. He probably isn't blaming mum if he's aware of her struggle when she was on her own, but it must be hard seeing his little brother having a more comfortable upbringing (for want of a better phrase).

The problem is that a lot of people equate money to love. It's easy for Son 1 to be jealous because he will be comparing his upbringing with his brother on a material level - I have no doubt in my mind that your friend loves both her kids the same.

CH27

lulu_92 wrote: »

I can see where Son 1 is coming from. He probably isn't blaming mum if he's aware of her struggle when she was on her own, but it must be hard seeing his little brother having a more comfortable upbringing (for want of a better phrase).

The problem is that a lot of people equate money to love. It's easy for Son 1 to be jealous because he will be comparing his upbringing with his brother on a material level - I have no doubt in my mind that your friend loves both her kids the same.

See I think he's a selfish prat to hold onto that jealousy for almost 20 years causing misery whenever he is at home.

You play the hand life deals you. Life isn't fair & never will be.

lulu_92

CH27 wrote: »

See I think he's a selfish prat to hold onto that jealousy for almost 20 years causing misery whenever he is at home.

You play the hand life deals you. Life isn't fair & never will be.

If he's causing misery then that's wrong, you obviously know the ins and outs of it more than me.

I'm going off personal experience. My mum raised my sister and I and money was tight but the love wasn't. Now I am perfectly aware of the struggle my mum went through and I'm so grateful for everything she has done for me.

That said, if I had a younger sibling who was born after she met my step-dad and they could afford the things she couldn't when I was a kid I would feel pangs of jealousy and upset, but I know that my mum wouldn't be doing it out of favouritism and she would always make sure we were all treated the same.

Pollycat

lulu_92 wrote: »

I can see where Son 1 is coming from. He probably isn't blaming mum if he's aware of her struggle when she was on her own, but it must be hard seeing his little brother having a more comfortable upbringing (for want of a better phrase).

The problem is that a lot of people equate money to love. It's easy for Son 1 to be jealous because he will be comparing his upbringing with his brother on a material level - I have no doubt in my mind that your friend loves both her kids the same.

I think it's quite usual for the elder children to have had less (materially) than children who come along later.

The parents are usually in a better place financially.

That was certainly the case with me and my much younger half-sister.
I've never begrudged anything she's been given, even now when she's been given considerable help financially from our parents.

I've made my own way in life and have never asked for anything from anyone.