When you children are no longer kids.

bagpuss38

Sorry if I am not quoting or replying to all comments.
I'm very tired and my eyes are dead sore from crying.
I will take on board everything you have all said x

whitewing

bagpuss, go and get some rest.

bagpuss38

Lily-Rose wrote: »

I won't quote it as it's a wee bit long, but I LOVE the post by 'The Effect.' (a couple of posts back...) LOVE it.

Well done on completing university by the way!

Me too.

Congrats on finishing uni.
Thankfully getting her through uni was the easy part.
School on the other hand was hell.

bagpuss38

whitewing wrote: »

bagpuss, go and get some rest.

I will I'm just Dreading tomorrow with the recriminations and the day out now feels somehow tarnished.

Plus it's gonna rain

theoretica

bagpuss38 wrote: »

I feel that all though her childhood has been far from perfect.
It was better than mine ever was.
I suffered neglect etc due an alcoholic mother and distant father.
spent 2 years in care.
And i have forged my life on my own after my father decided his new family were more important than me.
I've not had very gd role models as parents and have pretty much winged it.
But I've given everything I have to my children sometimes to my own detriment.
I never wanted them to feel how I felt, and have the best childhood possible but life threw stuff that was beyond my control.
I adore all my children and would never favour one over the other.

Have you told your daughter this? If you haven't it might be worth doing to help her understand you are doing your best, but also making it up as you go along!

whitewing

See what the weather's like in the morning and get everyone involved in the plans for the day. Ignore any stroppiness from DD.

bagpuss38

theoretica wrote: »

Have you told your daughter this? If you haven't it might be worth doing to help her understand you are doing your best, but also making it up as you go along!

Yep she knows everything. I've always been very open with them about my past.

michelle2008

bagpuss38 wrote: »

She had a love/hate relationship with her dad.
more love than hate.
Her brother was only little when their dad was around( he was abusive and bullying to me).
My son doesn't remember any of this and was happy to go visit his dad.
My daughter is angry with him because he was happy to have a relationship with someone she couldn't stand.

I wouldn't say she is a scapegoat but is the occasional pain in the arris.

This is really sad. It sounds like your daughter has some really difficult and unresolved anger about her dad's behaviour. While it's not fair to take it out on her brother, it is very common. I do think you need to cut her some slack. Maybe she feels , because she remembers the abuse, that her three siblings are all having better childhood experiences than her? She is lashing out because she doesn't think it is fair, and is looking to you to make up for it?

I am not at all suggesting it's your fault - but there is much more than a stroppy overgrown teenager here.

bagpuss38

michelle2008 wrote: »

This is really sad. It sounds like your daughter has some really difficult and unresolved anger about her dad's behaviour. While it's not fair to take it out on her brother, it is very common. I do think you need to cut her some slack. Maybe she feels , because she remembers the abuse, that her three siblings are all having better childhood experiences than her? She is lashing out because she doesn't think it is fair, and is looking to you to make up for it?

I am not at all suggesting it's your fault - but there is much more than a stroppy overgrown teenager here.

Your are probably right and trust me I know the good can't always out weigh the bad.
But I did everything I could to ensure her and her brother had a happy life.
Sure I couldn't shield her from the abuse but I gave her happy times, school holidays were full of fun days out, movie nights, painting crazy murals on the wall on a whim.
midnight puppet shows to ward off the bogeyman, hours spent reading, baking,
She dismisses it all and states her childhood was horrendous.

I can't change the past, my heart hurts that I didn't quite get it right.
But neither can I be blamed for another person's actions esp now he is deceased.

whitewing

No, you can't change the past but you also don't seem to know how to change the present for your daughter.

It is the wrong time of night to be mulling over this now. Go and get some rest and have a few days to think about the thread advice.