When you children are no longer kids.

TheEffect

I'm 23, live at home, have two younger siblings, and just like your daughter, would probably feel left out and a tad upset if a family weekend (or even a night out to the cinema to see a kids movie) was organised and I wasn't asked if I'd like to attend. Even if my parents knew I had no money, it's still nice to be asked.

For those saying a 21/22/23 year old wouldn't want to go on a family holiday/see a kids movie/kids day out... I often take my little brothers to 'kids' places such as ball pits, activity days, and often take them to see kids films at the cinema (local cinema has a kids day on Sunday mornings). I get to bond with my siblings, and get enjoyment out of spending time with them and seeing them have fun.... okay I occasionally jump in the ball pit with them if there's no 'adults' looking...

Time goes so fast, and before you know it, she'll have moved out, the young kids will be adults, and all you'll have left is the memories. Go and pay for her to go with you, and ask her to give the money back to you when she gets her first pay packet, and go give her a hug while you're there. You both sound like you need it.

bagpuss38

Thank you for all your responses.
Definitely food for thought.

I feel that all though her childhood has been far from perfect.
It was better than mine ever was.
I suffered neglect etc due an alcoholic mother and distant father.
spent 2 years in care.
And i have forged my life on my own after my father decided his new family were more important than me.
I've not had very gd role models as parents and have pretty much winged it.
But I've given everything I have to my children sometimes to my own detriment.
I never wanted them to feel how I felt, and have the best childhood possible but life threw stuff that was beyond my control.
I adore all my children and would never favour one over the other.

I'm tired of being blamed for everything that goes wrong in her life and for my so called failings as a parent.

As I said thank you all for your experiences and opinions I appreciate your input xx

antonia1

Hi, I'm 29 and live away from my mum, but if she knew I was at hers and she brought home a bar of chocolate each for my two siblings who live with her and none for me I'd be really hurt. Not cos I'm desperate for chocolate, but because she's still my mum, no matter how old I get.

No need for a guilt trip, but maybe she's not being as unreasonable as you first thought.

Lily-Rose_3

Person_one wrote: »

That doesn't sound like she was 'throwing it in your face', that sounds like she was telling you how she feels, left out and separate from the unit you've made with your new husband and younger children.

I think a heart to heart would be a better idea than getting annoyed with her. 22 isn't so old that you don't still want to feel loved and valued by your mum and that your company is wanted by your family.

Also, I'm a fair bit older than your daughter but I love doing 'kiddie' things with my nieces and nephews. Don't assume she won't be interested, if you love the children you'll love doing stuff with them.

michelle2008 wrote: »

Everyone is different. I have to say if I lived in a house with my mother, step father a and two siblings and they all went out for a day out without inviting me I would feel very left out - Harry potter in his room under the stairs springs to mind (drama queen!).

I think it's pretty irrelevant whether we call it a childrens treat or a family day out - everyone else is going!!!

Step and blended families can be difficult - I think a bit of sensivity here is required with the daughter - very tough love in this situation could result in years of resentment.

Hats off to these 2 posts.. Sorry OP, but I think *you* sound a little childish, by saying she doesn't tell US where she's going when she goes out with her mates...... Who is the child here?

I feel a bit sorry for her actually. I think that the people who are saying she is feeling properly left out are right. My daughter is nearly 20, and she still reverts to a 5 year old (around me and her dad,) when she is sad or upset or worried, even though she is an intelligent and hard working uni student who lives away from us 8 months a year.

She fell over and broke her wrist whilst ski-ing (on a dry slope) in her uni town in March, and she got on the phone to me from hospital, and sobbed her heart out. After 2 minutes of talking to me, she said she felt so much better, especially when said I was going to visit her for a few days.

Your daughter is definately jealous and upset, and she needs some TLC and consideration. I agree with the people who say she should be contributing financially though, as soon as she is able to.

Nobody is saying you're a bad parent BTW - you are not. And you have not 'failed!' Just remember though, that 22 is still not very old. Especially so, as she still lives at home.

balletshoes

bagpuss38 wrote: »

Thank you for all your responses.
Definitely food for thought.

I feel that all though her childhood has been far from perfect.
It was better than mine ever was.
I suffered neglect etc due an alcoholic mother and distant father.
spent 2 years in care.
And i have forged my life on my own after my father decided his new family were more important than me.
I've not had very gd role models as parents and have pretty much winged it.
But I've given everything I have to my children sometimes to my own detriment.
I never wanted them to feel how I felt, and have the best childhood possible but life threw stuff that was beyond my control.
I adore all my children and would never favour one over the other.

I'm tired of being blamed for everything that goes wrong in her life and for my so called failings as a parent.

As I said thank you all for your experiences and opinions I appreciate your input xx

don't beat yourself up too much about this - no-one had a perfect childhood, and no-one is a perfect parent. No matter how good we think we do with our kids, we'll probably all be blamed for some failing by our children at some point in their life.

It does sound like you don't see eye to eye with your daughter, you sound tired and worn down. I feel for both of you, it can't be easy.

bagpuss38

Lily-Rose wrote: »

Hats off to these 2 posts.. Sorry OP, but I think *you* sound a little childish, by saying she doesn't tell US where she's going when she goes out with her mates...... Who is the child here?

I feel a bit sorry for her actually. I think that the people who are saying she is feeling properly left out are right. My daughter is nearly 20, and she still reverts to a 5 year old (around me and her dad,) when she is sad or upset or worried, even though she is an intelligent and hard working uni student who lives away from us 8 months a year.

She fell over and broke her wrist whilst ski-ing (on a dry slope) in her uni town in March, and she got on the phone to me from hospital, and sobbed her heart out. After 2 minutes of talking to me, she said she felt so much better, especially when said I was going to visit her for a few days.

Your daughter is definately jealous and upset, and she needs some TLC and consideration. I agree with the people who say she should be contributing financially though, as soon as she is able to.

Nobody is saying you're a bad parent BTW - you are not. And you have not 'failed!' Just remember though, that 22 is still not very old. Especially so, as she still lives at home.

Thank you for your comments.

The thing is I'm always there. Every single thing that has happened to her I've been there and helped and supported.
I couldn't do anymore.
Yes I know we all revert back to being a kid when hurt or upset.
She as well as her other siblings are my priority.

Person_one

Relate do family as well as couples counselling, is that something you think might be worth considering OP?

It's incredibly hard to manage the intricacies of parenting when steps and halves and big age gaps are involved even without the added difficulty of having a troubled childhood yourself, with nobody modelling a loving parent/child bond for you. Don't beat yourself up for not being perfect, but equally don't expect your daughter to be perfect either!

whitewing

bagpuss38 wrote: »

And i have forged my life on my own after my father decided his new family were more important than me.
xx

I am sorry that you had to do that but is that what you are expecting your daughter to do?

Mojisola

bagpuss38 wrote: »

But I've given everything I have to my children sometimes to my own detriment.

I'm tired of being blamed for everything that goes wrong in her life and for my so called failings as a parent.

These two things could be connected.

Children need to learn that life isn't always comfortable, that others (including Mum and Dad) sometimes come first and that they have to pull their weight in the family.

If you've always smoothed the path for her, she will still be expecting that to happen. She's going to struggle a bit with the idea that the younger ones will now get things that she got when she was young (but that they won't get when they are her age) and that she's sometimes got to be the one who buys the treats.

I would have asked her if she wanted to come on the family trip because she's still part of the family and it's not nice to be the only one left out.

Lily-Rose_3

bagpuss38 wrote: »

Thank you for your comments.

The thing is I'm always there. Every single thing that has happened to her I've been there and helped and supported.
I couldn't do anymore.
Yes I know we all revert back to being a kid when hurt or upset.
She as well as her other siblings are my priority.

It's OK. It is a hard job isn't it? (Being a parent...) I don't have a 'blended' family, so don't know what it's like.

Sorry for saying you sounded a little childish It was just that one line that sounded a wee bit petty.

I feel sorry for you both.

And I am sorry you had a childhood that was not great.

You are not a bad parent, and the fact that you are on here and are concerned about your family and your daughter, shows you are a good person, and a good mum. :j