When you children are no longer kids.

pawsies

I would be inclined to set aside time for her just the two of you. Mother and daughter day- doesn't have to cost anything picnic in the park or trip to museum, window shopping etc.

Sounds like she is craving attention and affection.

Indie_Kid

bagpuss38 wrote: »

She goes off for days out etc with her mates doing whatever she wants not consulting or informing us.

Why at 22 would she need to consult you? Since I've been 18, I could pretty much whatever. But I had to tell my parents where I was going and roughly when I expected to be home.

Buzzybee90

Amara wrote: »

It wasn't children's day out, it was family's day out.

Was described as a day out for the children as a summer holidays treat.

Jesus, I can't believe someone is actually whining about something like this at such an old age.

surveyqueenuk

Person_one wrote: »

That doesn't sound like she was 'throwing it in your face', that sounds like she was telling you how she feels, left out and separate from the unit you've made with your new husband and younger children.

I think a heart to heart would be a better idea than getting annoyed with her. 22 isn't so old that you don't still want to feel loved and valued by your mum and that your company is wanted by your family.

Also, I'm a fair bit older than your daughter but I love doing 'kiddie' things with my nieces and nephews. Don't assume she won't be interested, if you love the children you'll love doing stuff with them.

Person one, you could have been writing that about me! This isn't about OP's daughter wanting to be bought sweets, it's more to do with wanting to feel included and loved.

michelle2008

Buzzybee90 wrote: »

Was described as a day out for the children as a summer holidays treat.

Jesus, I can't believe someone is actually whining about something like this at such an old age.

Everyone is different. I have to say if I lived in a house with my mother, step father a and two siblings and they all went out for a day out without inviting me I would feel very left out - Harry potter in his room under the stairs springs to mind (drama queen!).

I think it's pretty irrelevant whether we call it a childrens treat or a family day out - everyone else is going!!!

Step and blended families can be difficult - I think a bit of sensivity here is required with the daughter - very tough love in this situation could result in years of resentment.

BigAunty

When the tension settles down (due to now appreciating her sense of exclusion so you are now much more diplomatic and ask her if she wants to join family events), you are going to have to broach the subject of her true independence.

Somehow, you've got to ask her about her plans to move out to shared accommodation once she's started work, without making her feel that she is being thrown out. It's a sensitive topic but if handled well, you could help her make the transition into true adulthood.

Has she ever indicated a desire to move out or do you think she wants to stay there as she feels she has to 'compete' with her siblings and fight a sense of abandonment?

At the moment, she sounds like she's having teenage tantrums and is regressing into childhood (sweeties?!). Are there other ways that she demonstrates immaturity or other ways she shows she can stand on her own two feet? For example, does she contribute to bills and housework, have domestic skills like ironing, cooking and so on?

Buzzybee90

michelle2008 wrote: »

Everyone is different. I have to say if I lived in a house with my mother, step father a and two siblings and they all went out for a day out without inviting me I would feel very left out - Harry potter in his room under the stairs springs to mind (drama queen!).

I think it's pretty irrelevant whether we call it a childrens treat or a family day out - everyone else is going!!!

Step and blended families can be difficult - I think a bit of sensivity here is required with the daughter - very tough love in this situation could result in years of resentment.

Fair enough and maybe I'd agree more if they were 18 but 22 seems old to me. Hope it works out.

theoretica

It sounds like she would like to be invited, even if she decides not to come - like extending an offer to come to the pub after work to colleagues we know prefer to get home to go walk the dog or acknowledging that I am only not offering cake to someone as they are on a diet.

Robisere

I was the youngest of 3 lads. My 2 older brothers were 15 and 17 years older, but there was a very big difference in their attitudes to me. They grew up as teenagers in the war, whereas I was a teenager during a more affluent time. They both married and left home whilst I was still very young, but although there was no distance and a lot of love between myself and my eldest brother, my middle brother resented me, as he had always been mum's favourite. (She made it obvious) This never bothered me or big bro, but middle bro still resents me today at almost 84 years of age, although the big brother I loved, died over 25 years ago.

Middle bro's big complaint was that I had so much more that they ever had, which was actually true until my 11th year, when dad was badly injured and out of work for more than 2 years. At that point I knew that I had to do something; parents' savings were gone and life became tough for us. I took on 2 weekday paper rounds and a Sunday round, then I took a Saturday job for the local butcher. My income from all this helped keep us afloat: dad would take nothing from older brother, with his own family, and middle bro did not offer.

Many years later, after a long relationship ended, I moved back in with my parents, now in their 70's and both ill. Eventually I was cooking, washing, ironing and shopping for them, whilst also running their finances, paying bills and being scrupulously keen to show them all I did. Middle bro had no idea of how much I contributed financially to the home, but that did not stop him phoning to tell my parents that I was not paying enough board. I gave him proof of the sizeable sum that I paid into their bank each week, then I invited him to do what I did every day. I have not spoken to him since that day in the 1980's and I have no intention of ever doing so. He has 7 children and most of them do not talk to him, although they do speak to their mum.

The moral? - siblings are all individuals. There is no way to tell if your younger children will grow to object to something you say or give, to another. Talk to your DD in private, in future offer to take her everywhere you take the others. Odds are she will refuse on "boredom" grounds. But don't alienate her completely: that can last a lifetime.

sazpot

I ask my Mum/Dad etc (a little tongue in cheek) where my drink/cake/chocolate etc are if they have something when I am with them and haven't offered (normally because the are not expecting me and already have them/didn't buy enough) and I'm 29 and don't live with them.

As an example, I wouldn't dream of going to the coffee shop on the way to their house without buying one for them too or I wouldn't buy cake without buying enough for everyone who would be in the house.

I have always been taught that when it comes to food/drink etc that you share and offer others who are present when helping yourself and you buy for everyone if you will be eating in front of them in the house.

To me this would also extend to sweets unless I knew they would not be wanted.

However, I see nothing wrong with letting her know she is old enough to be paying for things herself and that it might be nice if she turned up with the treats for everyone else occasionally or bought the ice-creams on the trip to the seaside etc.