Getting elderly dad to look after house

System

My Mother was very unsteady on her feet and used a walking frame to get round her small flat but she kept tripping on the rugs she had in the rooms. She wouldn't hear of taking them up although they were a hazard. It was like banging your head up a brick wall. All she could see was that I was nagging but she couldn't see that I was trying to help her stay in her little flat safely.

[Deleted User]

margaretclare wrote: »

I agree to some extent. Maybe he likes his old furniture for all kinds of reasons. Carpets are a different matter - they can be dangerous. Falls are common, and can be dangerous.

And Paul, your Dad is 'going to be 80 soon'. So is my DH, at end of this year. I would definitely not live with him if he didn't change his clothes for 3 weeks, nor sleep in the same bed.

Let Dad and bro sort it out between them. At least you're not having to live with it, bro is.

Actually, not all old people are the same. We were at a wedding on Saturday, a lovely occasion, people we hardly know but they invited us. I only know the groom through politics, I hadn't met the bride or anyone else. A woman came up to DH while extra photos were being taken outside, we were relaxing with Buck's Fizz. She said she thought that he and she were the oldest people there. I thought that was a bit of an odd conversation-opener and I kept out of it. He said that 1934 had been a good vintage year, and she said that hers was a few years before, 1920s. And then she started telling him all that she'd been diagnosed with!! Fortunately the bridal party came back in just as the heavens opened, and the conversation ended. I thought it was a bit odd, but then, older people often do seem to want to talk about (1) their age and (2) their ailments.

He likes the furniture because its there and hes not spending a penny to get new. It could fall to bits but all that matters to him is hes not spending money.

[Deleted User]

Thanks all. Yeh but I feel so bad leaving him like this. The house is to be honest, a mess, and he is dirty but it just doesn't seem to bother him. But it still leaves me feeling guilty.

I have tried everything I can to help but I can only do so much. It would be so much easier if he just let me help him. He just doesnt seem to realise/care that his bad attitude is causing me so much grief.

MC - as I've got older I've realised how small minded my Dad was even when I was growing up. Like I said, there are some things that are just 'not for him' its as if he lives in his small town and other things are for other people. But I think hes always been like this - his saying for living life is 'to be on the safe side'. For everything.

Like the anglo-saxon - perhaps welsh next? ;-)

margaretclare

Paul, I've heard this 'not for the like of us' from many angles over the years. Could this be a reason why so many of our young people do so badly at school - low expectations from the people around them? Immigrants don't seem to have this problem. Dad may be a bus driver, mum a cleaner, but kids end up being professional people.

I do remember a bit from my mum. We were in York once and I wanted us to go and have afternoon tea in Betty's, which is a Yorkshire institution but which she said was 'too posh' for us and 'all she wanted was beans on toast in the little cafe by the bus station'. I don't remember her saying this about anything else.

Paul - Welsh, LOL! Bad enough Anglo-Saxon with no one to speak it to. I'm continuing to learn German because I loved being able to speak a bit when we were in Switzerland in May, and DH is planning our trip to Passau on the Danube for next May/June.

margaretclare

[quote=[Deleted User];66352191]He likes the furniture because its there and hes not spending a penny to get new. It could fall to bits but all that matters to him is hes not spending money.[/QUOTE]

Paul, there's an old saying 'A shroud has no pockets'. What is he saving it for?

DH knows I am still saving but from time to time he brings me up short with 'what is it for?' Although, if he hadn't had savings he couldn't have got the new car in March this year.

seven-day-weekend

margaretclare wrote: »

Paul, I've heard this 'not for the like of us' from many angles over the years. Could this be a reason why so many of our young people do so badly at school - low expectations from the people around them? Immigrants don't seem to have this problem. Dad may be a bus driver, mum a cleaner, but kids end up being professional people.

I do remember a bit from my mum. We were in York once and I wanted us to go and have afternoon tea in Betty's, which is a Yorkshire institution but which she said was 'too posh' for us and 'all she wanted was beans on toast in the little cafe by the bus station'. I don't remember her saying this about anything else.

Paul - Welsh, LOL! Bad enough Anglo-Saxon with no one to speak it to. I'm continuing to learn German because I loved being able to speak a bit when we were in Switzerland in May, and DH is planning our trip to Passau on the Danube for next May/June.

I came across this attitude from someone the other day, from someone younger than me, not even 60! She was asking where to get a good Indian takeaway from in my city, I pointed her to the pub round the corner where they do excellent Indian sit-in meals for the price of a takeaway. She said' will I have to sit with posh people? I'd rather eat it in the car'. Although she didn't say, I know her well enough to know she was thinking that 'dining out' was not for the likes of her.

margaretclare

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I came across this attitude from someone the other day, from someone younger than me, not even 60! She was asking where to get a good Indian takeaway from in my city, I pointed her to the pub round the corner where they do excellent Indian sit-in meals for the price of a takeaway. She said' will I have to sit with posh people? I'd rather eat it in the car'. Although she didn't say, I know her well enough to know she was thinking that 'dining out' was not for the likes of her.

'Would rather eat it in the car?' Yuck. A bit smelly and messy, I'd have thought.

The average Indian restaurant, although they usually do have nice tablecloths and napkins rather than paper ones, is hardly 'posh'. I suppose it depends on what you think of as 'posh'. I did try to get my mum to go into Betty's, saying that our money is as good as anyone else's, it's honestly earned and we are clean, tidy and well-mannered. But she wouldn't have it.

flossy_splodge

Paul, the other thing I meant to say in my last post was that it eventually dawned on me with my father that he was frightened of change.
I threw out the carpet in his downstairs loo and got the wallpaper stripped and a coat of paint on the wall. It terrified him. I was just trying to make things a bit fresher and a bit brighter for him but with failing eyesight and failing senses it completely threw him and he frequently asked me where he was. When I said 'you're at home of course' he said no I'm not.
He wasn't joking, it upset his equilibrium and made him feel a stranger in his own home.
I wouldn't have done that for the world.
So some things I think are ok but getting new carpets or changing curtains or whatever, be aware that what to you is a kindness might be a genuine upset to him.
Familiarity is all when you feel the world has gone on without you and you're too proud to reach out for the help you need.
I have to say that in the case of the washing machine I'd just get one installed and then say its for YOUR use! If he doesn't like it just say 'well its paid for now so just don't worry, we'll leave it alone.
Then you can use it for him as and when.
I did dads washing against his wishes but eventually he accepted it and I'd put it out on the line and leave him to get it in so it was involving him. If he forgot, I'd just sort it out the next day.
Try to relax and see it as a bit of a game where you must finds ways to help without causing upset.
Good luck. :j

seven-day-weekend

margaretclare wrote: »

'Would rather eat it in the car?' Yuck. A bit smelly and messy, I'd have thought.

The average Indian restaurant, although they usually do have nice tablecloths and napkins rather than paper ones, is hardly 'posh'. I suppose it depends on what you think of as 'posh'. I did try to get my mum to go into Betty's, saying that our money is as good as anyone else's, it's honestly earned and we are clean, tidy and well-mannered. But she wouldn't have it.

The place I pointed out is a back-street urban pub

[Deleted User]

MC - I like the quote. Thats just it hes not saving it for anything he just doesnt want to 'waste' it as he says. Its like monopoly money to him. and hes not even sure how much hes got.

flossy - I know you mean well but I can;t just DO it. I don't have the time or patience to fight with him over it. It will need his involvement and agreement if I do anything or he'll just kick off big time.

But as he gets older he does find things stressful. Thats part of it with him - just one thing and he starts flapping like mad.