Getting elderly dad to look after house

[Deleted User]

Thanks Kestra. Went around day and tried again - no change.

Told me how he hadn't had his clothes washed for 3 weeks. Brother living there had been working shifts and hadn't been able to take their clothes down the launderette.

So I mentioned washing machine again. Silence. I asked again, no he was 80 soon and didnt want 'all the hassle' of getting a washing machine. If he had a washing machine I could have chucked his stuff in myself.

I know hes waiting for me to offer to do - not going to happen in a million years. I know it'll end up being a regular thing then.

On the plus side, think I've cracked the ceiling issue. Told a white lie and said housing assocation want to come to look at it and he might be forced to repair it because it was half their flat too. He went for that one. They've never said that but otherwise I know he'll leave it with sagging ceiling/ stained ceiling, wallpaper pealing off because he cant be bothered/costs money.

System

It can be difficult with older relatives. I have a great aunt who point blank refuses most of the help we try and offer her, she won't even let social services in.. we do have someone who goes round every day to clean, and cook her food and to generally keep an eye on her as she doesn't live near us, but my parents still go up and see her as often as they can. It doesn't help that occasionally she can be quite nasty which just makes me feel sad as i wish she'd accept help.

seven-day-weekend

GwylimT wrote: »

If he was my dad I would attempt to replace carpets, I would clean his home, if he was capable I would give him a chance to keep it clean, if he didn't I would employ a cleaner. If this was refused I would speak to social services and age concern.

Whilst he has the capability to decide, he can choose to live with old carpets and furniture if he wishes. You can't suddenly force a cleaner on him just because he is old. How would you like it if someone did that for you?

[Deleted User]

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

Whilst he has the capability to decide, he can choose to live with old carpets and furniture if he wishes. You can't suddenly force a cleaner on him just because he is old. How would you like it if someone did that for you?

Nice attitude. So you're saying I should leave him alone to rot in the filth then?

Think about it. Im a bloke. Generally, tidiness is not really my thing. Compared to my wife she thinks my standards are low. I've noticed how bad the house is getting.

Threadbare carpets, wallpaper peeling off the walls, broken cupboards, toilets so dirty you cant tell what colour it was supposed to be, kitchen sink the same, kitchen surfaces filthy. Clothes hes wearing filthy. Need I go on. Believe me I dont want to interfere I've got my own things to sort out,

[Deleted User]

He said something strange yesterday as well.

Hes just been away for the week and mentioned the hotel was a few miles from town centre. So I mentioned taxi.

His reply 'Taxis are not for people like us'. Im sure he included me in the us statement there! I was a little flabbergasted at this.

Background is working class, south wales valleys (and he worked in a factory all his life) but still its like saying we're the peasants and things like that are for the richer sort of people. What an attitude - talk about doing yourself down.

Im now wondering if this attitude is whats the cause of a lot of this. He does seem to disregard a lot of things as 'for other people and not him'. i.e washing machines are for women.

margaretclare

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

Whilst he has the capability to decide, he can choose to live with old carpets and furniture if he wishes. You can't suddenly force a cleaner on him just because he is old. How would you like it if someone did that for you?

I agree to some extent. Maybe he likes his old furniture for all kinds of reasons. Carpets are a different matter - they can be dangerous. Falls are common, and can be dangerous.

And Paul, your Dad is 'going to be 80 soon'. So is my DH, at end of this year. I would definitely not live with him if he didn't change his clothes for 3 weeks, nor sleep in the same bed.

Let Dad and bro sort it out between them. At least you're not having to live with it, bro is.

Actually, not all old people are the same. We were at a wedding on Saturday, a lovely occasion, people we hardly know but they invited us. I only know the groom through politics, I hadn't met the bride or anyone else. A woman came up to DH while extra photos were being taken outside, we were relaxing with Buck's Fizz. She said she thought that he and she were the oldest people there. I thought that was a bit of an odd conversation-opener and I kept out of it. He said that 1934 had been a good vintage year, and she said that hers was a few years before, 1920s. And then she started telling him all that she'd been diagnosed with!! Fortunately the bridal party came back in just as the heavens opened, and the conversation ended. I thought it was a bit odd, but then, older people often do seem to want to talk about (1) their age and (2) their ailments.

RuthnJasper

aggypanthus wrote: »

Paul, you seem detatched and without empathy for your father, only displaying your resentment and anger.

I dont see any feedback from you re suggestions to muck in yourself, discretely and quietly.

Gleek, your post on this.. my family tackled it this way.

Aggy, please don't have a pop at the OP. He's clearly at his wits' end and needing advice.

Also, I think he has tried to help but is slapped down each time. But, whatever, we're not here to make him feel worse.

Best wishes. x

dandelionclock30

[quote=[Deleted User];66351116]Nice attitude. So you're saying I should leave him alone to rot in the filth then?

Think about it. Im a bloke. Generally, tidiness is not really my thing. Compared to my wife she thinks my standards are low. I've noticed how bad the house is getting.

Threadbare carpets, wallpaper peeling off the walls, broken cupboards, toilets so dirty you cant tell what colour it was supposed to be, kitchen sink the same, kitchen surfaces filthy. Clothes hes wearing filthy. Need I go on. Believe me I dont want to interfere I've got my own things to sort out,[/QUOTE]

It sounds like your really frustrated with your Dad Paul but there really is nothing that can be done apart from making suggestions from time to time. It sounds like he wont take these up anyway.
You really need to take a step back and think about how all this is impacting on yourself. It sounds like you are going round in circles.
Unless he is a danger to himself or others and the threshold for this is pretty high then nothing can be done apart from what I've just said.
You need to try and move on a bit from the situation, hes got your brother there so any emergency will be dealth with. Over and above that how he lives is his own choice.
If I were you I would put my energy into my wife and children and make a difference with them.

seven-day-weekend

[quote=[Deleted User];66351116]Nice attitude. So you're saying I should leave him alone to rot in the filth then?

Think about it. Im a bloke. Generally, tidiness is not really my thing. Compared to my wife she thinks my standards are low. I've noticed how bad the house is getting.

Threadbare carpets, wallpaper peeling off the walls, broken cupboards, toilets so dirty you cant tell what colour it was supposed to be, kitchen sink the same, kitchen surfaces filthy. Clothes hes wearing filthy. Need I go on. Believe me I dont want to interfere I've got my own things to sort out,[/QUOTE]

I was actually replying to someone who was saying force a cleaner on him against his wishes. and if he doesn't accept it then get Social Services in. I wasn't saying you shouldn't try to help your father.

I'd just wipe the sink and worktops and stick some bleach down the loo whenever I went.

margaretclare

[quote=[Deleted User];66351184]He said something strange yesterday as well.

Hes just been away for the week and mentioned the hotel was a few miles from town centre. So I mentioned taxi.

His reply 'Taxis are not for people like us'. Im sure he included me in the us statement there! I was a little flabbergasted at this.

Background is working class, south wales valleys (and he worked in a factory all his life) but still its like saying we're the peasants and things like that are for the richer sort of people. What an attitude - talk about doing yourself down.

Im now wondering if this attitude is whats the cause of a lot of this. He does seem to disregard a lot of things as 'for other people and not him'. i.e washing machines are for women.[/QUOTE]

I think, if you look around you, a lot of us are of 'working-class' origin. At the village school I went to I definitely remember the outcome for most of the pupils was: farm work for the boys, going into service for the girls. Yes, really. As late as the 1940s. Unless you 'passed your scholarship' and even then, if your parents could afford for you to go to grammar school.

I was saved from that fate by the Education Act 1944, which was implemented once the war was won.

It's a reverse snobbery in some cases, to say that 'taxis are not for the like of us'. But it's OK for your Dad to demand that you fetch and carry him. You have your own car - while I was growing up few people had a car. Walking, bus or cycling was the norm for most of us. The only girls my age who had their own car were farmers' daughters. Boys learned to drive in the army. So, your Dad doesn't say 'having your own car is not for the likes of us'?