Getting elderly dad to look after house

Gleek

Perhaps it may also be worth a talk with his gp about the situation too and perhaps the gp (my grandad LOVES people in authority and would always do exactly what they said to the detriment of us) can have a gentle word - or it might ring jingle bells to the gp to go alongside what he's witnessed when your dad has been in there that could be an incling for something like dementia. Or he could perhaps have a gentle word that he needs to start looking after himself or come out to see him and see the house?

(I don't want to scare you, I'm sorry to bring it up but it's a consideration. my grandad's gp was rubbish. I suspected dementia from the january and had to keep shoving for tests for him to be diagnosed.... come the october he was finally assessed and found to have moderate to severe vascular dementia)

ETA: his lack of concept for money/not understanding its worth but continuing to hoard it (and other more rubbish things) and not able to express himself clearly is a concern for me. Look after both of you love xx

[Deleted User]

Thanks all.

Hoarding money is his thing. He spends probably £2-£3 a day in the bookies. He really enjoys it - watches races on telly etc.

Hes CONSTANTLY going on about it and saying he should cut down and its a waste. Does my head in? He doesnt smoke or drink so this is just a bit of fun for him.

But then its weird when he wins. Never seen anyone so chuffed to win £10! Its not as if it makes any difference to him hes got so much saved.

But then never seen anyone so gutted when their gas bill is £10 more than expected. Its just nuts to be honest.

I've said this before as well. If his life depended on it he wont catch a taxi. He used to watch cricket but it was a mile walk from the bus stop (which he cant do now). Rather than catch a taxi for a few quid he just doesnt go now.
Has said, if it was 20p he wouldnt pay for a taxi because its a waste of money.

Same with other uses of taxi. He was in hospital and leaving. I offered him £10 for the taxi but no he insisted I drive 60-70 miles round trip (during working day as well so that was hassle!) to pick him up and take him home! Nuts....

BigAunty

I think you are going to have to cultivate a spirit of acceptance and tolerance for his penny pinching and lack of hygiene. I think a bit more of the humour along the lines of 'Yes, I'm earning a packet with take home pay of £100' should help you manage the absurdity of it all.

By the sounds of it, you have no influence, and other parties will provide little in terms of support until he requests it and he's not likely to.

uk_american

My grandfather was as you describe. Part of that money saving generation where they had no other option, pull yourself up by your bootstraps sort of thing.

As his eyesight started to go, the cleanliness went too. He just didn't see it and was too proud to admit otherwise. Trying to get him to get a hearing ad was a major battle, it was only because my cousin was in a school play, that he agreed to get one to hear her.

One workaround was that he was willing to pay us grandchildren to help him out a little, on the promise that we'd put it away for a rainy day--he felt that he was helping us out. Granted, it was no where near the going rate for little chores like cutting the grass, but we didn't tell him that. It avoided a lot of the battles around cleanliness and house upkeep though.

As the youngest, as his eyesight really started to go, no one wanted him driving, but no one could convince him not to. A clever arrangement was found, after I just got my license, my parents told him that they wanted me to have extra practice time and they didn't have time to sit with me. I drove him around to the store, to where he needed to go. He felt very pleased 'to be able to help'. Usually relatives would slip me a little pocket money when I dropped him off, which was nice.

To be honest, his mind was in a different place. He'd see a young man walking home and start talking about something in 1950's about someone who walked around town, some story I had never heard. Granted he couldn't remember what he had for lunch that day or yesterday though.

Good luck. His GP explained it like 'putting on glasses with the wrong prescription' or 'having a conversation where you miss every 3rd word'. Have patience.

fawd1

nearlyrich wrote: »

It is quite stressful for older people to have work done and so I can understand why he doesn't want the hassle. He is of a generation who didn't have bathrooms as standard ( unless you are upper class) and having a shower/bath daily was impossible

Sorry I have to disagree. My dad is only 6 years younger and was brought up in the most thoroughly middle class family available and they had a bathroom and washed daily. If he's 80 then he would have only been 5 when WW2 broke out. Unless he was working class he would have had a bathroom from at least the age of 10ish onwards

BigAunty

As a child in the 70s, we had a bathroom and running water in our social housing property but hot water was considered an expensive resource - the immersion heater was something to fear. We had a hot bath on friday's only and we shared the water. We washed every day but unless a kettle was boiled, it was in cold water and it was a reluctant wash. Daily hot baths and showers were a decade away when we finally moved into a centrally heated property with hot running water.

Newly_retired

I was born post-war, but we had no running water or bathroom. There was an outside elsan toilet. Once a week the copper was heated and a tin bath was filled. We all used the same water, starting with the youngest. Other days it was a thorough wash. Even when we had a bathroom, baths were still once or twice a week. I cannot say that we were dirty. Hot water was often heated in the kettle or in a pan over the fire. When we had an immersion heater, it was only used sparingly, because of the cost.

Fast forward 60 years and my elderly parents still lived a very frugal and simple lifestyle. They were not dirty but did not live by today's standards. I don't actually think it mattered. It was sad that they would not spend money to make their lives easier, would not pay for a taxi or have a cleaner etc . In the end I did some cleaning on my visits, even though as a well paid worker I employed a cleaner myself at that time. They hOarded everything in case it came in useful. And died with plenty of savings still.

The OPs dad is obviously much worse, and in would agree that little can be done if he is not willing. One day he will have another fall, or worse, and may have to go into a care home. So sad really, that people won't accept help, but I certainly recognise the attitude behind it.

aggypanthus

Paul, you seem detatched and without empathy for your father, only displaying your resentment and anger.

I dont see any feedback from you re suggestions to muck in yourself, discretely and quietly.

Gleek, your post on this.. my family tackled it this way.

pollypenny

fawd1 wrote: »

Sorry I have to disagree. My dad is only 6 years younger and was brought up in the most thoroughly middle class family available and they had a bathroom and washed daily. If he's 80 then he would have only been 5 when WW2 broke out. Unless he was working class he would have had a bathroom from at least the age of 10ish onwards

Well, you were very lucky.

The vast majority of the working class lived in terraced houses, generally their own and bought with very hard earned wages. Few of these had more than an outside toilet.

Only those in council housing had bathrooms.

However, my father, being a miner, showered very day in the pit head baths. The rest of us washed daily and bathed in the classic tin bath once a week.

pollypenny

aggypanthus wrote: »

Paul, you seem detatched and without empathy for your father, only displaying your resentment and anger.

I dont see any feedback from you re suggestions to muck in yourself, discretely and quietly.

.

A very harsh comment.

That's not the picture I gain at all! It seems as if Paul has tried lots of things and is at his wits' end!

Half the trouble is that old men, in particular, are too proud to admit that they are not coping.