Getting elderly dad to look after house

Maz

Paul. You're on a hiding to nothing here I hope you realise.

As long as you keep stressing about all this stuff, you're going to drive yourself insane. From what you say, you've got more than enough to cope with with your own family.

You've suggested/offered solutions for all these problems to your Dad and he hasn't taken any of them up.

Maybe it's time to accept that he never will.

So let him live in !!!! with stinking clothes and ratty dangerous carpets as this is what he chooses to do. You can't do any more. And you have nothing to castigate yourself for

margaretclare

I am afraid I agree with Maz above. I've thought along these lines for some time.

I came to the conclusion some long time ago, that you can't force, cajole, persuade or impel someone to do something if they really don't want to do it. People have to want to. It's called motivation. I often hear of people asking to be given motivation e.g. to lose weight. Answer: you can't. Motivation comes from within. You do it because you want to. You can see a reason for doing it. Even if it's something you'd really prefer not to do. Example: you don't want to live in dirty conditions, dirty clothes, so you pick up a duster or cleaning cloth and you learn how to use a washing machine. Or you're hungry, you learn how to cook. Unless a person is really losing mental capacity, learning is always possible. A good example is Dad who can operate Sky controls but not a mobile phone.

I don't know if there is ever a specific age when you don't want to learn things any more. Paul's Dad keeps going on about being nearly 80. I'm just enrolling in a course of German just so that I can speak it better next time we go to Germany. Shouldn't I, on grounds of age?

margaretclare

Judi wrote: »

My Mother actually said that to me. Didn't apply to my brother though.

It's like something out of Dickens.

System

margaretclare wrote: »

It's like something out of Dickens.

"That's what girls do" were her exact words. She meant of course put up with the sh1te.

So sad really and I really ought to forgive her but the feeling of being second class to your brother really never goes away no matter how hard I try to push it from my mind.

margaretclare

Judi wrote: »

"That's what girls do" were her exact words. She meant of course put up with the sh1te.

So sad really and I really ought to forgive her but the feeling of being second class to your brother really never goes away no matter how hard I try to push it from my mind.

No, it wouldn't! The feeling of inferiority has far-reaching effects. I've heard it so often from different people. 'Oh I can't, I'll never...' and when you go a little deeper you find that's what they were told when young enough for it to make a deep impression. I used to be involved in assertiveness training and you'd be surprised what comes to the surface.

I have never said any such thing to any daughter or granddaughter, nor would I ever. I suffered from some of the 'oh she'll never...' voices in my head for many years. That's why I did GCSE Maths when I was in my early 70s. 'Oh she can't do sums...' stayed with me for decades.

I would never expect the kind of things that SDWE talks about in relation to her late MIL. I'd rather live on takeaways than expect that of any woman - and I hate takeaways!!