Getting elderly dad to look after house

Kesstra

aggypanthus wrote: »

Kesstra, and the others who took offence at me, I will relate my experience.

80 yr old dad, home from hospital, asked us to put his bed in living room. This became permanent, he began to stay there all day. He wasnt so ill he couldnt getup, he just lost the will.He lost all interest in tv, newspaper, reading books.
4 of us siblings cooked and shopped . Me and Dh cleaned bathroom and kitchen, minimal washing as he didnt change often.
His GP said he was entitled to live this way!?
I had frustration, upset and tears that we could do no more!
It took a collapse in the hallway , to alert s crisis team, by which time he had no will left to fight against care.
He had 6 great happy months in a small home, till he passed away due to just old age.
He had no heart probs or any other illness.


He went a yr without a bath or shower. My sisters and I offered to aid , as did brov
he refused daycare, refused bathing service, he stopped going to the toilet and found himself a bucket by his bed to piddle in!

And as others have said including myself, we have ALL been through some sort of trauma and stress in regards to relatives.

The difference is, we understood that feeling angry and resentful is perfectly OK and a normal part of a feeling human being.
To deny this is to deny your own health.

We took offence because of what seemed like a cold reply to the OP.
I don't deny you have had your own personal struggles as you stated in your original post, but don't assume that because someone might be feeling angry, stressed and resentful, means they don't care. They do.

That is what people took offence to.

seven-day-weekend

Aggypanthus, I think you are feeling upset because you didn't like the way your dad lived, that is understandable, especially as you had to care for him.. But the GP is right. If he was of sound mind then he WAS entitled to live that way. What do you think you should have done? Forced him to go into a home? Remove all decision-making from him? Treated him like a naughty child?

I agree that it was selfish behaviour on his part, but even younger people don't always behave unselfishly.

You did what you could. That is all you can do.

Feeling unhappy and resentful doesn't mean that someone doesn't love them.

[Deleted User]

Brother yes. Been living in Dads for 3/4 months now after latest ejection from girlfriends (this is about the 4th or 5th time now).

Orignally it was for a 'few days' but I think the lure of rent free accom and being able to spend all of his considerable income on beer was just too much so hes stayed.

Hes gone to the launderette just once in this time. Or at least hes taken Dads stuff with him the once? Wouldnt be surprised if hes gone a few times and just not bothered to take dads stuff.

I guess he has been working a lot so doesn't need too many other clothes other than dirty work clothes. Dont know.
But as everyone says, hes there, hes got to get washing done, so surely its for him to sort out for both of them.

I've been thinking about tabletop washing machine. One problem is there is no gap in the kitchen so it'd mean remove cupboard etc (another reason for him to say its too much hassle). Am I right with these you can just fill from tap and drain into sink?

Not brilliant but better than nothing.

seven-day-weekend

[quote=[Deleted User];66359480]Brother yes. Been living in Dads for 3/4 months now after latest ejection from girlfriends (this is about the 4th or 5th time now).

Orignally it was for a 'few days' but I think the lure of rent free accom and being able to spend all of his considerable income on beer was just too much so hes stayed.

Hes gone to the launderette just once in this time. Or at least hes taken Dads stuff with him the once? Wouldnt be surprised if hes gone a few times and just not bothered to take dads stuff.

I guess he has been working a lot so doesn't need too many other clothes other than dirty work clothes. Dont know.
But as everyone says, hes there, hes got to get washing done, so surely its for him to sort out for both of them.

I've been thinking about tabletop washing machine. One problem is there is no gap in the kitchen so it'd mean remove cupboard etc (another reason for him to say its too much hassle). Am I right with these you can just fill from tap and drain into sink?

Not brilliant but better than nothing.[/QUOTE]

Yes you can, but afaik you can also do that with a full-size one.

dandelionclock30

They are more hassel than a normal washer.Not many people would want all that messing about.
Why cant you discuss with your brother about getting a proper washer installed when your Dads out or something.Then your brother could say he got it for both of them etc.
I still think it would be more beneficial for you to leave your Dad to it. Its not like hes doing anything illegal or dangerous.I think if you let it get to you as much as it seems to be doing then it will affect your quality of life. Best Wishes with it all anyway.

[Deleted User]

Dandelion - Yeh I know. But hassle for him is taking out kitchen cupboards he wont do it? And no I cant do it without his permission can I?

Illegal or dangerous. Not quite. But its getting to the point where its all getting VERY dirty and I dont want people talking about him. ITs starting to smell bad.

A few more months and I worry the neighbours are going to notice and start complaining.

margaretclare

[quote=[Deleted User];66360482]Dandelion - Yeh I know. But hassle for him is taking out kitchen cupboards he wont do it? And no I cant do it without his permission can I?

Illegal or dangerous. Not quite. But its getting to the point where its all getting VERY dirty and I dont want people talking about him. ITs starting to smell bad.

A few more months and I worry the neighbours are going to notice and start complaining.[/QUOTE]

And you think it will reflect badly on you? 'Why didn't his son do something about it?' - that kind of neighbours' gossip?

I don't think there's anything you can do. We've already established that cost is not an issue. Nor is getting to grips with the technology given that he can operate Sky. I'm not sure what that involves - we haven't got Sky, we have TalkTalk. But whatever it is, he can do it.

One thing he has got is a fixed idea that a woman can do it, even his sister, 20 years older than him and walking 2 miles! I think you're right not to suggest your wife doing it.

I would defend the right of anyone, at any age, older or younger, to live their life as they choose to. As someone else said, it's not illegal or actively dangerous.

I admit I couldn't live like that, but then, I'm not your Dad and apparently he can!

dandelionclock30

Paul, Have you sat down with your Dad and said straight that you are very concerned about his personal hygiene and appearance through unwashed clothes? and about how upsetting it is for you all to see him in this state?
Also have you really spelled it out to him that your family wont do the washing but will assist him with getting a washer and showing him how to load it?.
I think if you have done the above and then hes flatly refused then your concience should be clear. You have done all you can in trying to help him.
If people start talking they start talking and its not your fault or your problem.If it gets to the point that theres rats etc, then the council can force entry etc. But for living in a digusting dirty house and being dirty theres nothing than anyone can do.

Mojisola

dandelionclock30 wrote: »

If it gets to the point that theres rats etc, then the council can force entry etc. But for living in a digusting dirty house and being dirty theres nothing than anyone can do.

Anyone who remembers the programmes about Mr Trebus will know how little the council can do until things get totally out of hand.

[Deleted User]

Don't care how it looks on me or what people say about me lol.

But my Dad is a nice man who has lots of people he knows and talks to inc neighbours etc. I just dont want him to be shunned etc and people to avoid him as the 'dirty old weird man' if you know what I mean. that would be really sad and have an effect on him.

The other thing - sometimes I feel a little off visiting with my kids. I've got a one year old daughter so you know how that goes. Sometimes I feel the house is just minging dirty and not safe for me to submit her to that - which is sad.

My wife already wont visit. Like I said, toilet use is a no go and you're likely to catch something if you accept a cup of tea from a grubby cup.

In terms of speaking to him, heres an example conversation:-

Me: Dad I think things are getting on top of you here. It could be a bit cleaner here and maybe you need some help?
Dad: Why whats wrong with it? (Getting defensive).
Me: (Pointing out a few things)
Dad: Its not that bad. Its only me who lives here so it doesnt matter, does it? (Getting more defensive and upset).
Dad: Dust will still be here when Im gone. Im nearly 80 what does it matter? I don't need all this hassle at my age(Getting more upset).
<End of conversation>

Me: Dad - how about I sort washing machine? I'll sort it out no problems. I'll show you how to use and do it for you when I visit.
Dad: No. I cant use a washing machine. (Getting defensive)
Me: Why not its not hard honestly.
Dad: No, I'm nearly 80 years old. I cant do things like that. Wheres it going to go?
Me: Not a problem I can sort it.
Dad: No don't want one.
Me: Well what are we going to do about your washing then dad?
Dad: I'll manage. I can wash stuff in the sink. Or I'll ask someone to do it.
Me: Dad like you said you're 80 its hard work. And it doesnt really get things clean.
<repeat first conversation over again now.

So in the end I think, why am I arguing with you about this?

The thing with Sky is weird. He got Sky+ and can use it without a problem mostly. He understands it all.
My theory is hes got to which is why he can do it. Obviously, theres no-one to turn over the channel for him so he learns or misses out.

With other stuff, Im sure its a case of why bother. Mobile for instance I bought him. Clueless - Ive showed him about 10 times but he still wont use. Why - because its of no use to him - he thinks they're pointless. It would be same with washing machine - why bother to learn its of no use to him.

I've gone away for weekend a few times with him. Hes the same. We've got separate rooms in say travelodge. I have to go into his room when I get there - I get hows the tv work, how the shower work, how do you turn the kettle on, how do you open the window. all stupid stuff. The swipe card on the door he just wont use and gets me to open

Of course, if he was there on his own he'd work it out for himself - not as if its hard. He went away last week so assume he looked after himself then.