Getting elderly dad to look after house

Mojisola

[quote=[Deleted User];66362729]
But my Dad is a nice man who has lots of people he knows and talks to inc neighbours etc. I just dont want him to be shunned etc and people to avoid him as the 'dirty old weird man' if you know what I mean. that would be really sad and have an effect on him.

The other thing - sometimes I feel a little off visiting with my kids. I've got a one year old daughter so you know how that goes. Sometimes I feel the house is just minging dirty and not safe for me to submit her to that - which is sad.

My wife already wont visit. Like I said, toilet use is a no go and you're likely to catch something if you accept a cup of tea from a grubby cup.[/QUOTE]

Perhaps the conversation needs to be more forthright -
Dad, your daughter-in-law won't visit because your house is too dirty and you probably won't be seeing your grandchildren again because I can't bring them here.

I'm also worried that the people you know are going to start avoiding you because your clothes are dirty and smelly.

I know it doesn't bother you but it affects all the people round you and you could end up very lonely if you don't start looking after yourself.

aggypanthus

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

Aggypanthus, I think you are feeling upset because you didn't like the way your dad lived, that is understandable, especially as you had to care for him.. But the GP is right. If he was of sound mind then he WAS entitled to live that way. What do you think you should have done? Forced him to go into a home? Remove all decision-making from him? Treated him like a naughty child?

I agree that it was selfish behaviour on his part, but even younger people don't always behave unselfishly.

You did what you could. That is all you can do.

Feeling unhappy and resentful doesn't mean that someone doesn't love them.

thank you for your kind reply.

aggypanthus

Kesstra wrote: »

And as others have said including myself, we have ALL been through some sort of trauma and stress in regards to relatives.

The difference is, we understood that feeling angry and resentful is perfectly OK and a normal part of a feeling human being.
To deny this is to deny your own health.

We took offence because of what seemed like a cold reply to the OP.
I don't deny you have had your own personal struggles as you stated in your original post, but don't assume that because someone might be feeling angry, stressed and resentful, means they don't care. They do.

That is what people took offence to.

I apologise for my post. Thanks for responding.

wannabe_sybil

I really feel for you. I've been here with my (Welsh!) uncle.

It is legal for people to make bad decisions. It is legal for people to make bad choices - and it is legal for them to live with the consequences.

The only suggestion I can make is, 'You don't want The Social to find you living like this. If you look like you can't cope then they'll put you in a home, that's what happened to (insert mythical neighbour with complicated backstory)'.

The trouble is that he is an adult who makes his choices. Taking away choices is a slippery slope. I swear it is a form of torture watching something like this with someone you love, but there is nothing you can realistically do.

He is lucky to have you to bother about him. Good luck.

margaretclare

I agree with wannabe sybil above, but....

As someone who is also 'nearly 80' as is DH, I can't understand your Dad. On the one hand I support anyone's right to live as they choose, providing they're breaking no laws and hurting no one, but, I simply cannot understand his way of thinking.

Dad's was a brand new flat 20 years ago. We live in a 1930s bungalow, I've lived here since 1990 and DH since 1997, and every year it has had some planned upgrading just because I get a dollop of money every September from an annuity. Because of the age of the place there has been a long list. We don't do that much housework but then, the place doesn't get very dirty with just the 2 of us in it.

My perspective about being 'almost 80' is that people are living a long time nowadays. I've already outlived all my female antecedents in direct line. I know people who are still living at home in their 90s, even if they have people coming in to help. The Queen sends out far more 100th birthday cards now than at the start of her reign. A couple yesterday celebrated their 80th wedding anniversary.

There are people like 'Molly Maids' who will come in and do a blitz. If you can pay, you can get almost any service brought to you. Dad wouldn't. Not even a taxi. I can't understand that outlook at all.

I completely disagree with Dad about mobile phones. These IMHO are one of the most useful of recent inventions. Time was, I've walked miles to find a phone box. Mobile phone is extremely useful when you can't walk to get yourself out of trouble! There was an old lady who fell outside her back door on a freezing night, was found dead of hypothermia. If she'd had a mobile in her pocket she could have called for help. DH insists I have my mobile in my pocket even when going down the garden to hang out washing. 'If you fell over I wouldn't be able to hear you'. I've even had to rescue him when he fell over in the garden. Our mobiles are the kind that will take photos but I haven't got into that kind of thing. We use them only for making and receiving calls, often to each other. We also have 'call divert' which means that calls to our landline can be diverted to mobile when we're out, and this has proved to be extremely useful.

I understand what you say about the one-year old baby. I wouldn't want to take a baby into that environment either. At that age they're starting to move, crawling and/or starting to walk, pulling self up on the furniture and inevitably, everything goes to the mouth!

I am at a loss to suggest what else you can do. Maybe 'well, you're nearly 80 but you could easily live another 5, 10 or more years'. See what that produces.

We're his age but we tend to assume we're going to be here a bit longer. Not for ever, but a bit longer than this! When we got back from Switzerland in June we said that was probably our last 'big trip'. DH is now planning another one for next May/June, as far as Passau on the Danube just because I said that's a place I'd love to see before I die.

I must admit, we don't do that much housework, but we do the essentials. Dust is one thing. DH's granny used to have a saying that the dust would be there after she was gone. Dust is easy to get rid of. Bathrooms etc are a different matter. That's what the people I grew up among would have called 'muck' as opposed to dust which is easy to get rid of. You sometimes hear of industrial cleaners having to be called in after someone has died. Not nice.

Mr Trebus was something else. His problem was that he was a hoarder. Anything and everything. Maybe that went back to poverty, years of having nothing at all. I've been in houses where they had stacks of newspapers that they couldn't throw out. And not even the excuse of advanced age!

Pricivius

Everyone's situation is different, but for what it's worth...

My mum's dishwasher broke and she refused to pay for a new one. She also had a horrible downstairs loo that needed replacing, but she refused.

When she went away for a week, I had the downstairs loo replaced and also had a new dishwasher fitted. I didn't say anything to her, either before or after, and just left the dishwasher instructions on the side. She used both quite happily.

I think it helped not to mention it, then she didn't feel stressed, pressured, patronised or put-upon. She had new things that she could use or ignore. Her call.

Most people love the feeling and smell of freshly laundered clothes, bedding and towels. If you washed some of your Dad's things without a fuss, would he use them?

Mojisola

Pricivius wrote: »

If you washed some of your Dad's things without a fuss, would he use them?

The Dad is quite happy for someone else to do his washing - he just won't do it himself or pay for it to be done.

seven-day-weekend

I think some people don't see why they should do it themselves or pay when they have a perfectly good son or daughter to do it for them.

I always remember my late m-i-l grizzling because I didn't cook her dinner every day like her sister's d-i-l did. Well I didn't see why I should . She was only in her 60s and working full-time. I was also working full time. She just seemed to think it was my job, even though she was perfectly capable.

Maybe the OP's dad is like that.

pmlindyloo

Although I agree with everyone who says that people can live as they wish I think you have to make a distinction between what is not harmful and what is.

A filthy kitchen and toilet is, in my opinion a health hazard. A bit of dust and worn out carpets (unless dangerous) is no big deal.

Some elderly people are very strong willed and to be honest it is quite pointless having any kind of conversation with them about how they choose to live their life.

Sometimes you have to treat then a bit like children with a kind of tough love attitude.

So I would invite dad round to yours and get cleaners in to blitz the bathroom and the kitchen while he's a way. (If there's any chance of getting brother on side I would ask him to pay, particularly if he's living there rent free!)

OK, dad is likely to be mad as hell but it will be done. He can rant as much as he likes but he won't be able to undo it.

I really wouldn't suggest this (before anyone says anything about interfering blah blah) but it seems there is a real health risk here.

As regards washing of clothes then it seems he has no objection to someone taking them to the laundry so when I visited that is what I would do (drop them off, pay to have them washed, dried and folded and then pick up later)

I can under how frustrating it is when dad can actually afford to do this himself but in the end you have a choice, don't do anything or just get on with it.

Errata

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I always remember my late m-i-l grizzling because I didn't cook her dinner every day like her sister's d-i-l did. Well I didn't see why I should . She was only in her 60s and working full-time. I was also working full time. She just seemed to think it was my job, even though she was perfectly capable.

.

What did she plan to do, rock up at your place every tea time, eat her tea and then totter off home to her place?