Getting elderly dad to look after house

[Deleted User]

Update today - it gets worse.

If you remember this started off because he had a leak upstairs in the bathrrom and his didnt want to get it fixed. Anyway, they came and stopped the leak but then he was saying, I cant be bothered to repair the ceiling etc Im going to leave it.

I spoke to the Housing association yesterday and they said leave it a few weeks and theyd come back to have a look since it wasnt currently leaking. OK fair enough then I'd talk dad into having it done (im off on hols for 3 weeks going sunday).

So today useless brother texts me. Can I ring HA again because its dripped on Dads head and the ceiling is bulging now? OK so first off phone HA arrange someone to come around asap - tell them just do it now its got to be sorted.

Then phone dad. He knows I think that I've phoned HA. He then trys to tell me he might have imagined the water on his head hes not sure, the ceiling is fine. I spot a lie there especially since brother has already told me its sagging now. For some reason hes got his head in the sand about this and thinks it'll all go away.

Then he goes to tell me how depressed he is over it all, how he cant be bothered to go out today because of how he feels, how it always happens to him, hes got all this stuff to worry about. Woe is me etc. I must admit I went nuts - told him Id arrange it all and to calm down a bit, its inconvenient yes but its not like his house has burned down and if he wants to see hassle leave it go longer and whole lot will come down!

For some reason his idiotic friends have told him taking the ceiling down is a massive job and will take weeks and hes stupid enough to believe them!

Really selfish of him. Today I've got to work an hour earlier so I can take a two/three hour lunch to take ill wife to hospital for appt, so I'll be late home tonight as well. I arrange it all for him, speak to the people, but oh no hes depressed about it all. Makes me so mad!

Of course, useless brother who lives there is in work and cant possibly help. Well, its all arranged now, I'll be 1000s of miles away next week so someone going to have to step up to the plate for a change,

Mojisola

[quote=[Deleted User];66371801]
Well, its all arranged now, I'll be 1000s of miles away next week so someone going to have to step up to the plate for a change,[/QUOTE]

And I hope you can forget about things and enjoy your holiday.

If you're not there, they'll have to sort themselves out.

seven-day-weekend

Errata wrote: »

What did she plan to do, rock up at your place every tea time, eat her tea and then totter off home to her place?

I was supposed to cook her tea and bring it to her, or cook it at hers and then go home.

margaretclare

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I think some people don't see why they should do it themselves or pay when they have a perfectly good son or daughter to do it for them.

I always remember my late m-i-l grizzling because I didn't cook her dinner every day like her sister's d-i-l did. Well I didn't see why I should . She was only in her 60s and working full-time. I was also working full time. She just seemed to think it was my job, even though she was perfectly capable.

Maybe the OP's dad is like that.

Yes, it sounds as if he is. Worse, he thinks it's a woman's job. His older sister, his other son's GF, any woman.

I don't see why you should either, SDWE!

margaretclare

Mojisola wrote: »

And I hope you can forget about things and enjoy your holiday.

If you're not there, they'll have to sort themselves out.

Yes, they will. Why couldn't bro phone the HA - why expect you to?

margaretclare

pmlindyloo wrote: »

Although I agree with everyone who says that people can live as they wish I think you have to make a distinction between what is not harmful and what is.

A filthy kitchen and toilet is, in my opinion a health hazard. A bit of dust and worn out carpets (unless dangerous) is no big deal.

Some elderly people are very strong willed and to be honest it is quite pointless having any kind of conversation with them about how they choose to live their life.

Sometimes you have to treat then a bit like children with a kind of tough love attitude.

So I would invite dad round to yours and get cleaners in to blitz the bathroom and the kitchen while he's a way. (If there's any chance of getting brother on side I would ask him to pay, particularly if he's living there rent free!)

OK, dad is likely to be mad as hell but it will be done. He can rant as much as he likes but he won't be able to undo it.

I really wouldn't suggest this (before anyone says anything about interfering blah blah) but it seems there is a real health risk here.

As regards washing of clothes then it seems he has no objection to someone taking them to the laundry so when I visited that is what I would do (drop them off, pay to have them washed, dried and folded and then pick up later)

I can under how frustrating it is when dad can actually afford to do this himself but in the end you have a choice, don't do anything or just get on with it.

All I can say to that is - I wouldn't like it if it was me. Tough love - being treated like a naughty child? There is no possibility of anyone doing the things you suggest against my will and DH's. If I want someone in to come and blitz the place I'll arrange it. I've done it before. I wouldn't want to be told this by anyone.

But then, I hope I'd never be in the kind of state that Paul's Dad has got into.

seven-day-weekend

Have a good holiday paulfoel.

Errata

Tough love - being treated like a naughty child?

Not at all. Tough love because you love them. Something parents understand well.

System

I think some people don't see why they should do it themselves or pay when they have a perfectly good son or daughter to do it for them.

My Mother actually said that to me. Didn't apply to my brother though.

CH27

[quote=[Deleted User];66371801]Update today - it gets worse.

If you remember this started off because he had a leak upstairs in the bathrrom and his didnt want to get it fixed. Anyway, they came and stopped the leak but then he was saying, I cant be bothered to repair the ceiling etc Im going to leave it.

I spoke to the Housing association yesterday and they said leave it a few weeks and theyd come back to have a look since it wasnt currently leaking. OK fair enough then I'd talk dad into having it done (im off on hols for 3 weeks going sunday).

So today useless brother texts me. Can I ring HA again because its dripped on Dads head and the ceiling is bulging now? OK so first off phone HA arrange someone to come around asap - tell them just do it now its got to be sorted.

Then phone dad. He knows I think that I've phoned HA. He then trys to tell me he might have imagined the water on his head hes not sure, the ceiling is fine. I spot a lie there especially since brother has already told me its sagging now. For some reason hes got his head in the sand about this and thinks it'll all go away.

Then he goes to tell me how depressed he is over it all, how he cant be bothered to go out today because of how he feels, how it always happens to him, hes got all this stuff to worry about. Woe is me etc. I must admit I went nuts - told him Id arrange it all and to calm down a bit, its inconvenient yes but its not like his house has burned down and if he wants to see hassle leave it go longer and whole lot will come down!

For some reason his idiotic friends have told him taking the ceiling down is a massive job and will take weeks and hes stupid enough to believe them!

Really selfish of him. Today I've got to work an hour earlier so I can take a two/three hour lunch to take ill wife to hospital for appt, so I'll be late home tonight as well. I arrange it all for him, speak to the people, but oh no hes depressed about it all. Makes me so mad!

Of course, useless brother who lives there is in work and cant possibly help. Well, its all arranged now, I'll be 1000s of miles away next week so someone going to have to step up to the plate for a change,[/QUOTE]

It is a horribly messy job. We had a ceiling replaced recently & the muck was unbelievable.