Getting elderly dad to look after house

[Deleted User]

Following on from other threads about him re: washing machine.

Re-cap, he lives on his own in a nice flat, hes almost 80. BUT, even though hes got a stack of money he wont spend a penny on the house.

Hes got no washing machine, he used to rely on others to do his washing for him. Despite many offers to get him one he refuses. So he washes clothes by hand in the sink and to be honest, they're not clean.

This was a brand new flat when he moved in 20 years ago. Same carpet (now threadbare) because he think they last forever (they were cheapest ones you can get now).

Furniture has seen better days - mixture of some stuff I've talked him into but mostly stuff hes had for free off people. His bedroom furniture is literally pre-war and falling to bits.

To be his honest, the entire house is grubby. He wont use a vaccum cleaner so instead struggles with a manual push one. He wont get help or a cleaner either.

His bathroom is borderline unfit for human habitation. The toilet is like the one off trainspotting if not worse. He just never cleans it or thinks it needs cleaning.

Recently he had a leak from his shower. Water dripped into kitchen, down walls. Housing Association came around did something and stopped drip but they still want to take part of ceiling down now to investigate. (Its all damp and of course wallpaper is peeling off now.).

Now he says he doesnt want the hassle because its stopped dripping now. Pointed out it looks awful - his answer so what its only me that lives here.

I spent hours on the phone trying to sort this out and now he says he cant cope with the stress of having the work done. I did it all and got it sorted!

Its more like I imagine, can;t be bothered and doesnt want to risk having to even spend a penny of his money.

I've tried and tried to get him to spend money to make life easier for himself. I've just about given up - there's only so much I can do. Any attempt to point out that x needs replacing or y is dirty and all I get is the answer - I'm 80 years old I don't need the grief and whats the point anyway its only me that lives here.

To be honest, its so bad that wife wont drink cup of tea there and is careful where she sits. We've got to tell the kids not to use the toilet too - its that bad.

On a personal level, mentioned the shower. It started leaking so he just stopped using it. For a week. Only because I phoned these people and got is sorted -in his head it seems acceptable to not have a shower for an extended period. Can guarantee if this shower had broken and cost £100 to fix his attutude would be oh well I just wont have a shower ever.

Before he had a walk-in shower fitted he couldn't get in the bath very easily. I dread to think how long he went before washing.

His clothes as well are dirty. Remember, he hand washes things. I've given up trying to get him a washing machine even if I pay. He refuses point blank to have one.
Other day he put on a while coat/jacket. Somehow had blue paint on the arm (and it was grubby anyway) and said was it ok to wear. I said no theres paint on it - his answer oh well no-one will notice (umm yes they will).

Im getting to the point where Im about to give up. Im happy to do all the arranging and paying for these things but he just refuses. He is so stubborn and wont change.

On a side note. The money thing. Hes gone away for a few days (shock that hes spent some money!). This morning though - hes struggled to walk the mile to bus pick up point because he wont spend £5 on a taxi. He walks with a stick and this will wear him out for the day. Defies belief sometimes.....

Any suggestions? I must admit Im at the point of thinking sod him if he wants to live like a pig in a slum then let him. I've tried to help and be honest with him but hes just not interested.

irishjohn

I think your last paragraph sums up all the advice you are likely to get here - if the desire to change and keep everything in order does not exist then you are on a hiding to nothing.

is there only you or are there other family members alive and able to get involved

sulphate

Agreed with the above, if he doesn't want help then your efforts will generally be for nothing.

My dad is similar in that he blatantly refuses to clean, so it's left to my mum to do everything even though she works and he doesn't. It's always been like this and he would rather live in squalor than lift a finger or pay for a cleaner.

Would he be prepared to put up with a cleaner if you paid for it? Perhaps it could be arranged for when he isn't there? Although you've probably suggested this already.

CH27

Could you get a cleaning firm in to blitz the place while he is away?

BrassicWoman

can age concern offer you, not him, some advice? Won't be the first time this has happened!

nearlyrich

It is quite stressful for older people to have work done and so I can understand why he doesn't want the hassle. He is of a generation who didn't have bathrooms as standard ( unless you are upper class) and having a shower/bath daily was impossible so in his head it's no worse than that. Clutter and mess take over he may not know how to clean the house and in his head it not worth paying for a washing machine just for him. It is pretty stressful for family when you have a situation like this but ultimately it's his mess and he is entitled to live as he wants even if it drives you away.

lika_86

How long has he lived alone? Has someone else always done these things for him? It's surprising how a lot of men of that generation are a bit clueless when it comes to domestic stuff because they never really had to do it themselves as their wives did all of that (my granddad does gardening and deals with man things but doesn't have a clue when it comes to cooking etc). Plus it sounds like he isn't the most spritely and so actually getting down to all the scrubbing and stuff that it sounds like is involved might be off-putting.

Maybe it's also got to the point where he's almost forgotten how nice things are when they're clean and shiny and if you get past a certain point the effort involved is not just a quick wipe now and then but a proper effort which he can't or won't bother with.

If I were you I'd be going round to sort it out, you might not be able to do a lot about getting the carpets or furniture replaced but you could have a good go at the bathroom and kitchen at least.

Errata

What's his eyesight like?

mummyroysof3

He may say it's just him but does telling him kids can't visit cos of the dirt make any difference?

Dozey_crow

I can sympathize with how frustrating this is. Some of our elderly family members had a similar point of view. They refused to have a washing machine for years and years and years and hand washed everything and yes it smelt, the heating never went on and everything was used to death. They weren't as bad as this as the house looked clean and the toilet was spotless but they didn't use a vacuum cleaner used a Dustpan and brush instead so it was dusty, washing up wasn't done properly either.

They refused to change and they were financially secure, much of it had to do with money or more specifically reluctance to spend it! we realized that they were happy. We didn't eat or drink there and otherwise left them alone.

Some years later the gentleman passed away and the lady agreed under duress to a washing machine which she did use but also instised on still hand washing some things... the very sad thing was that they didn't use their money to make their lives easier... Such a shame.

Resign yourself to it out it will drive you mad. You can't make other people love to your standards.. No matter how hard you try. It is good that you have tried to help though.

GwylimT

If he was my dad I would attempt to replace carpets, I would clean his home, if he was capable I would give him a chance to keep it clean, if he didn't I would employ a cleaner. If this was refused I would speak to social services and age concern.