Getting elderly dad to look after house

System

aggypanthus wrote: »

Paul, you seem detatched and without empathy for your father, only displaying your resentment and anger.

Another poster that is thinking your a bit harsh.

I felt much the same anger and resentment whilst looking after my Mum. Why was I buying fresh food and vegetables for her when she was content in cutting mould off tomatoes and other foodstuffs. She'd already had part of her bowel removed due to cancer and food was just running through her. I persuaded her to have meals on wheels but she didn't want to pay for it. I felt that she was sabotaging every help I was providing to keep her healthy and whilst the food was running through her I was dangling on her string as well as keeping my own home and 5 kids happy. Part of the straw that broke the camels back for me was when she'd had diorreah the one morning and hadn't noticed. She thought she'd got to the toilet on time but hadn't and I walked in after taking the kids to school to give her a bath and went skating through it.

Resentment didn't quite cover it.

[Deleted User]

fawd1 wrote: »

Sorry I have to disagree. My dad is only 6 years younger and was brought up in the most thoroughly middle class family available and they had a bathroom and washed daily. If he's 80 then he would have only been 5 when WW2 broke out. Unless he was working class he would have had a bathroom from at least the age of 10ish onwards

They had an outside toilet. Bath was tub of hot water in front of the fire.

Working class- yes. South Wales valleys mining community. Both my grandfathers were miners too.

[Deleted User]

Well for those who think Im harsh. I live 30-45 mins drive away. I've got my own family, two kids inc a baby. I work fulltime. My wife is off on work long term sick and disabled.

I will sort out or pay for anything for my dad. I have done so in the past. What I can't do is go around there and clean behind his back or do things just to save £2. Hes to to help himself as well. I will arrange ANYTHING for him but he just wont change his attitude.

I've tried for years but he just wont budge. What can I do? Do you suggest I neglect my own family because I've got to take a few hours to clean his house because he wont have a cleaner?

silverwhistle

Don't worry Paul, I think most of us appreciate where you're coming from. But I think you need to be assertive as well: point blank refuse to pick him up from hospital, for example. If he then complains, point out he won't let you help him in other ways, so why should you in that. Tell him it would cut your week's wage to £50 if you took the time off...

Poppops

This is how it goes with us.

"Hi dad. I'm just going to give the bathroom a little clean while OH does your lawn."

"There's really no need. You've only just done it."

"That was last week dad. OH will sort your bins too and take the recycling. "

"No need. I'll do it later."

"Don't be daft. You're watching whatever. And by the way I'm changing your sheets and taking your washing and DS will drop back with it on Sunday and watch the football with you for a while."

etc. etc.

I just don't take no for an answer because I know it's for the best. We keep everything bright and breezy and as he hasn't locked us out yet, I'm sure he is more comfortable for it.

He wouldn't do anything himself because my mum always sorted everything and I just don't think he knows what needs done or sees the mess. However he does shower every day and is a bit OCD about food hygiene and is quite a tidy person so it's not a hardship to push the hoover around or mop the kitchen floor. Not as difficult a case as some of the others in the thread I would imagine.

I know some people might say we are invading his privacy but there is no way he would ask for help so he gets it whether he wants it or not. As the relationship with him and DS is super close, I do use him to make my dad 'see sense' sometimes. A bit manipulating I suppose but there you go.

I mean, who doesn't appreciate a clean bed?

margaretclare

silverwhistle wrote: »

Don't worry Paul, I think most of us appreciate where you're coming from. But I think you need to be assertive as well: point blank refuse to pick him up from hospital, for example. If he then complains, point out he won't let you help him in other ways, so why should you in that. Tell him it would cut your week's wage to £50 if you took the time off...

I agree with this.

I don't know if 'age' comes into it as such. We've just been talking to a relative who is at her wits' end about son, who is just as much of a slob and lazy, as Paul's Dad.

Don't pick him up from hospital. There are taxis right outside the door. Just don't do it. The English language has a wonderful word: NO.

No one has yet offered to come and clean our bathroom and change the sheet and duvet cover. Actually we'd appreciate it if they would because, being a king-size orthopaedic mattress it is darned heavy and difficult to move. However, no relative is close enough so that's that. I would willingly pay 'Molly Maids' or similar to come in and do a blitz. I will do, if DH ever ends up in hospital again. I did it once before when he was in. They took the curtains down, I put them through the washer, curtains went back up. Sheets changed, everything. As they handed me things I put them through the washer.

Mojisola

When Mum and Dad needed a new washing machine and found the different controls hard to adjust to, I colour-coded them and put a sign up beside the machine with the steps - eg. put in washing, shut door, turn knob to the yellow sticker, press the blue button. (And I know that sounds very basic but Mum was in the early stages of dementia and laying out every step was necessary.)

They were willing to work it themselves which helped but anyone who can work a Sky zapper should be able to manage a washing machine.

How you motivate him to accept that he needs to help himself is another matter - have you tried "You're not being fair to me with all that's going on at home"?

nervousdaughter

[quote=[Deleted User];66298151]
In the end, I think he had it because he was getting a bargain i.e.free more than anyting else. Now he tells me how good is shower is and how glad he is he decided to have it... AAAARRRRGGGHHH![/QUOTE]
That, for me, is themost important thing to remember - he probably does actually wish things were different but just can't handle getting to that point and actually doing it.

It is so, so difficult when you're worried about family members.

To be honest, I would lie and do the 'hey, great news - I've spoken to a guy about this new free carpet deal for lucky pensioners and they're coming on monday!' approach, head out the door when he starts getting antsy.

flossy_splodge

Gosh my sympathies are definitely for OP. My father was absolutely the same and I used to say to him I'd die before him due to his behaviour and the stress he caused me BUT in the end I too just did things. Quietly and without comment. I prepared food for him, handed it to him on a tray WITHOUT comment whilst talking about something completely different.
I'd wash the things up before leaving under the pretence of I wanted a cup of tea so had to go back to the kitchen to put the kettle on. You get the picture.
My Dad died a year ago. I know I did everything I could but its still hard as we tend to remember the things we didn't do and worry about them.
When I realised I was heading for health problems myself it became necessary to alter my approach and to be honest it worked well.
I just did his washing and put the clean clothes back in his drawers.
Occasionally I had to get him to go and change what he had on as it became obvious he had put the same clothes on a number of days running but good humour and acceptance carried the day.
If he got too aggressive and unpleasant I just quietly told him I was a grown up and no-one got to talk to me like that so I was now leaving but would see him the following day.
It worked. I got a couple of days of better behaviour!
My final comment would be to hang on in there if you can.
I can look back and not hold myself to account for failing him and that helps no end.
The day before he died he actually asked why I was still around considering how he'd dealt with me. I was able to laugh and say 'good question'. It felt good even that oblique acknowledgement that he knew he'd behaved badly.
Good luck. You have my total sympathy.:)

Kesstra

aggypanthus wrote: »

Paul, you seem detatched and without empathy for your father, only displaying your resentment and anger.

I dont see any feedback from you re suggestions to muck in yourself, discretely and quietly.

Gleek, your post on this.. my family tackled it this way.

What you have to understand, is that by the time relatives come here or other places for advice, they have been worn down over time.

If he didn't care, he wouldn't be posting here asking for help on what to do.
As a 30 something who has not only cared for my mother, grandmother, grandfather (<<<<and they have all died now) and partner for the last few years, I can tell you, no matter how much you love them, it takes everything from you when it's not an easy run.

Many relatives have done everything they can. They DO have sympathy and empathy but it's worn thin.

You assume the OP's father will allow them to muck in. You also assume just because someone is older they will bend to someone else's will.
You don't seem to be thinking or either of these two people.
The poster cannot force himself on his relative and me personally? If that were me? I'd tell my relative to ff off and stop interfering :rotfl: (Having said that I do accept help now but only when people do not force themselves on me. I doubt that will change when I am 80)

I don't see anywhere in this thread a lack of compassion or sympathy and it's very normal and healthy to be angry at someone who refuses help when so many people are being carted off to care homes because they simply have NO ONE around them who cares.

Just because someone is old, doesn't mean other people are not allowed to feel their own emotions on the subject even if you feel otherwise.

Even if the OP is angry and resentful so what?? They have come here asking for help regardless of said emotions.