Getting elderly dad to look after house

Just_Plain_Jane

GwylimT wrote: »

If he was my dad I would attempt to replace carpets, I would clean his home, if he was capable I would give him a chance to keep it clean, if he didn't I would employ a cleaner. If this was refused I would speak to social services and age concern.

OP can't just barge in there and do whatever he thinks needs doing. As frustrating as the situation is, his dad is an adult who has the mental capacity to make his own choices. As long as he is safe and well, Social Services won't be that interested.

RuthnJasper

I am sorry for this situation. I used to help out a local elderly chap (now sadly deceased) by walking his dog for him several times a week. He was a lovely man, but lived in what could only really be described as filth.

He was also a wealthy man, relatively speaking, but refused to have a cleaner or any other help, aside from any that related to his dog.

It got to the point where I felt awful about declining the offers to stop for a cup of tea after doggy-walks. Whenever I stayed, I would have to change my clothes completely afterwards and put them in the wash, as they smelled so bad.

I really can understand how you must be feeling but you cannot really help him if he refuses to help himself.

A similar situation arose with my granny; ultimately it got so bad that she was actually endangering herself and she accepted that a care home was the best solution (she's very happy there; in fact, it's her birthday today!), though helping her through the decision process was hard, especially for my dad and my aunties.

I think that, for some people - especially the generation who went through the Second World War, it is very, very difficult to accept that you need help with everyday things. It is almost like accepting the inevitable slide into decline and decrepitude and they fight it with every ounce of their will.

It is hard to know what to suggest; in the case of the elderly gent I mentioned, Age Concern and his GP both made several visits but he refused to listen to their advice. Towards the very end, a "care package" was set up (through his GP I think) where nurses came to help him wash and dress every day, but he wasn't happy about it.

All I can suggest is that you take him out for visits so that you aren't in the smelly house with him, alert his GP (he may be putting himself at some health risks if he is regularly eating with improperly-clean plates and cutlery (or, in fact, not eating properly full-stop), grit your teeth and try and remember that you might be that way one day. It is worth seeking advice from http://www.ageuk.org.uk/ in any case.

Best wishes OP; I hope you'll be ok in this situation. x

Cyberman60

On the bright side, it is now recognised that showering too often is not good for you, anti-bacterial soap is not good for you, mouthwash is not good for you, as they all destroy 'good' bacteria as well as 'bad'. He's probably healthier than most people nowadays !!

RuthnJasper

Just_Plain_Jane wrote: »

OP can't just barge in there and do whatever he thinks needs doing. As frustrating as the situation is, his dad is an adult who has the mental capacity to make his own choices. As long as he is safe and well, Social Services won't be that interested.

That's true; any attempt to do things when his dad is out will be seen as "interfering" and is likely to cause great distress and resentment.

It's an almost impossible situation.

Ms_Chocaholic

OP - do you ever go out and about with your dad? If not, don't stress yourself about it. Let him smell!

aggypanthus

My dad was alone for 15 yrs and managed well till his last 3 yrs.
my DH and I would take turns when visiting to quickly clean the bathroom, you could at least do this small thing. Then kids could use it.
There was NOTHING we could do to change his mindset over personal hygeine, he insisted he had bodywashes, and he didnt smell.

Unless you muck in and help out discreetly nothing will change him.

Flossie.

aggypanthus wrote: »

My dad was alone for 15 yrs and managed well till his last 3 yrs.
my DH and I would take turns when visiting to quickly clean the bathroom, you could at least do this small thing. Then kids could use it.
There was NOTHING we could do to change his mindset over personal hygeine, he insisted he had bodywashes, and he didnt smell.

Unless you muck in and help out discreetly nothing will change him.

Can't add a lot to what the others have said really. My old dad was the same. Wouldn't have anyone helping, and thought there was no problem. Not a lot you can do except sneakily clean for him.

Gleek

Social services won't be able to help unless he allows them. Whilst he's judged to have capacity - if he says no then the answer is no. For everything.

My gran died in 1996 and my grandad was left behind. he's always been an awful and abusive man who made her, my mums and my life absolutely hell. It may sound as though I'm being harsh but I'm really not. The man was physically and emotional abusive for our entire lives and still hasn't stopped. He's lucky we visit - we only do it out of duty, guilt and conditioning because there is noone else. Brother lives away and has done for almost 15 years. He's seen him about 10 times tops in those 15 years for a couple of hours each time. Noone else in the family will visit him. We only go every 3 weeks now he's in a care home - and have to psych ourselves up for a good week beforehand and don't recover for at least 2 days after. ( i have a sense this post will be a bit cathartic...)

His behaviour is not because he got old or to do with the dementia he was diagnosed with 3 years ago - if anything he's gotten better whilst suffering dementia.

The house was an absolute hole with only a passage way through the filth and rubbish to the filthy toilet that didn't flush for three years (that he told noone about as he didn't have 'the time' to be in for them to repair it - even though it'd be free. His bathroom was upstairs and he hadn't been able to get upstairs since 2003 so it wasn't used (not that he'd have a bath (no shower) in the first place. the emersion wasn't allowed on at anytime even when gran was alive. They had to boil a kettle or go to a family members to have a shower. He'd go up and feel the emersion to make sure that it wasn't on. literal hell to be paid if it was warm) so he washed in the kitchen sink. Despite not being able to go upstairs he filled every single bedroom, the landing and the stairs full of rubbish. Heavy chest of drawers were in the doorways of the bedrooms fso there was no way of getting into them - even if the rooms were empty. I don't know how he did it to be honest!

The washer wasn't used until he had a huge pile of clothes and then he would put EVERYTHING in so there was no room for anything to spin - stuff just got wet) so all of once a month. He couldn't wash himself properly and the house and he all stunk especially given that he slept in the same clothes as he wore during the day. His record was over 2 weeks in the height of summer. How he couldn't smell himself I really don't know.

The above is only the tip of the iceberg to be honest. Despite it all, despite the fire brigade and his housing association kicking up stink about it all being a fire hazard, despite it stinking to high heaven and making us gag when we had to be there - as his carers (despite everything he'd done/did to us as there was NOONE else) he said no so there was noone else and no official outside help.

That only changed when he broke his elbow after falling amongst the stuff and had the severe dt's. The rapid response social worker felt sorry for us and worked with us to tell him that he couldn't come home if he didn't let us clean up and finally we were allowed whilst he had time in the hospital and then the care home for a spot of respite.

It took 2 weeks of 12 hour days to empty the house to a liveable standard. The front garden had to be cleared of rubbish and stuff 7 times. The charity shop van came 10 times (twice a day monday-friday both weeks) empty each time and we filled it to the rafters everytime. Once he got home, he was more open to an assessment after he'd had that time in the care home and experienced the care and we were able to get carers in (eventually) 3 times a day - morning, lunch and bedtime. With fighting we also got a wet room created downstairs for him for free too that he allowed (with a stay in the HA's care home thrown in too) and the carer was able to get him into the shower too.


Sorry for the long rant, but I wanted to explain that - despite whatever happens - as long as he is deemed to have possession of his capacity - he can say no and nothing happens. He can also change his mind at any time and they have to agree and stop everything.

If you can be open with him - and not get angry or upset or make him defensive - you may get somewhere. I really hope you do.

We'd have got nowhere if it wasn't for that social worker who broke the rules and lied to him with us to get him to clear the house and get it safer for him. Each time they helped it made him that little bit more accepting for further help. With the severe dt's (he's now recovering from his 60 year alcoholism) he couldn't care what happened full stop, even with his broken arm, so that helped too i guess.

He's now in a care home as mum has become disabled after us caring for him at home for 16 years and I'm her FT carer. Even now he's refusing to change chair/bed so that they can get the stand aid that he needs under the bed/chair to get him standing. Despite the fact he's endangering the care staff and himself because of it, he says no so they can't force him and neither can we. If they can't get him to change his mind, it'll have to go for a best interests meeting as he still has his capacity despite his dementia. It's all long and drawn out(!)

Good luck. You have my sympathy as someone who has been there and experienced it all.

Primrose

I've had relatives like this and isn't an easy problem to solve. The hassle of coping with things just gets too much.
Any chance you could invite him to stay with you for a few days, get a key to his house and have a professional cleaning company come in while he's away to give the house a deep clean, listing what needs to be done and have the carpets shampooed?. If his eyesight is failing he may not even notice the difference but you will!

RuthnJasper

Gleek wrote: »

Social services won't be able to help unless he allows them. Whilst he's judged to have capacity - if he says no then the answer is no. For everything.

Good luck. You have my sympathy as someone who has been there and experienced it all.

That is a brave and extremely helpful post Gleek; thanks for having the courage to post it. That is certainly the way it was going with the elderly gent to whom I referred. The hospital admitted him after a fall, but he turned up at the other dog-walker's door (the dog was staying with her while the chap was away) at 2am one morning, having discharged himself from hospital.

I know that dementia and Alzheimers is dreadful for families; but all too often people forget that, sometimes, coping with an elderly friend or relative who is in full possession of all their marbles but who stubbornly refuses any and all forms of support can be just as distressing.

I wish I had a helpful answer to offer. I don't, so I'll just offer best wishes in any case.