advice please

bunty109

milkfloatquack wrote: »

as for the address it is not mine to give this house belongs to my wife who has paid for it out of her money and she wants to protect her investment from someone she does not even know and an ex partner who from the start changed plans etc from the very start of my relationship with my now wife.

I don't understand the protecting your wife's investment comment. Does your new wife feel your ex wants more money from you both? Is it you/she feel that your ex will make some kind of attack on the property? It just sounds like an argument that suggests that you have just as many trust issues as your ex wife to me.

As for the new baby: it's very sad you have felt you couldn't share the pregnancy with your son. It's going to be a bit weird for him when suddenly presented with a new baby. He'll have had none of the talk that parents share with the siblings when there's a baby on the way. Ok, myabe he hasn't seen your wife pregnant, but it is something that could haven been mentioned to him in your calls (once you knew everything was going well with the pregnancy)

I think you also need to re-think the whole address thing. Let's just say something happened to your ex-wife and the police needed to contact you - a mobile number is hardly ideal. Surely it would be wise for her to know where you live so that your son's school could be kept informed in case of emergency etc? I wouldn't be happy not knowing where you lived if you were my ex. Unless you've got serious concerns about your ex wife making some kind of physical attack on your or your new family then I can't see what harm giving the address out will do (the argument about it not being your house is a bit tenuous: you surely wouldn't use the same one if you lived in rented accommodation, would you?). You can still say you would be happier for her to only contact you by mobile and don't have to give out landline numbers or anything so your new wife shouldn't be plagued by calls or anything.

nichere

my ex wife used other people as emergancy contacts when i lived near her she did not use me as that is the way she thinks.
and yes i would use the same excuse as it is not my address to give out this belongs to my wife i have no rights to this property. the point is being missed here it is just a game she is playing with me on how she can control the situation next month there would be something else.
who knows what she could do my wife has been terrorized before by people who ran up bills etc by sending things to her adsdress before and she is scared this may happen which i understand.

misswig

nichere wrote: »

walton my child is born i have a daughter and she knows but she dont want our son to know yet!!

Surely if you had pursued the contact that the court gave you when you initially split up once your son was old enough not to need his mum as much then this would not be an issue.

I understand your reasons for not taking up your rights to overnight contact with your son as dictated by the courts when he was a baby (although i disagree with them) but your son is nearly 5 now and you still have not pursued it. If you had of done then there wouldn't be a situation with him not knowing his step mum and new sister. Maybe your Ex is trying to pick a right moment to tell your son this rather than dropping such a huge bombshell on him which surely would have him wandering why his father didn't think to tell him such big news.

As for providing your address, TBH i am on your ex side on this one. There is obviously a lot of mistrust on both sides. (Keeping a new wife and child secret for whatever reason probably wont have helped) so why would she trust that just because you say and have written a letter to say you are not going to abduct him that you actually wouldn't.

You say that in the future you want to have him for weekends etc when he is used to your wife and daughter, you will have to provide your address then, why not just do it now? you say that your wife is keen to have your son involved sowhere is the problem of it being her house?

Have to also agree with other posters who have said about th grandparents having access to your son. My parents would walk over hot coals and broken glass to see their grandchild no matter what their feelings were to their ex DIL for the sake of the child. How does your son feel knowing that grandma and grandad wont put themselves out for the sake of seeing him because they hate his mother? What kind of environment is that for him?

Obviously we dont know the full story and all the ins and outs. Divorce especially when kids are concerned is wrought with emotions. When i split up with my ex i offered as much contact as he wanted to our then 14 month old son. The only stipulation that it had to be was that it was consistant and regular so my son had stability. He declined and went for months at a time without seeing him or even conting me to see how he was. Of course, when it went to court it was agreed that he had him every other Saturday and from Wednesday from 4-6pm, I offerd more and the courts agreed with me but he declined more access. When it went to CAFCASS, they stated that they would like to see some overnight access which i agreed too (i could have done with a night off, as a full time working single mum to a toddler i was exhausted) but again he declined as he had friends staying long term (he kept the 4 bedroomed detached family home!) and there was no space my my son to sleep even though his friends 12 YO son has his own room). This apparent lack of interest in seeing our son was extremely hurtful for me. Whatever had gone on between the two of us had nothing to do with my son, and his daddy had no interest in the simple things like bathtime and bedtime etc. It was only when he was diagnosed with termoinal cancer last year that he became interested and by that time i had moved away. Nevertheless we maintained as much contact as we could with each other for the sake of my son. sadly he died earlier this year and i still and probably always will grieve for the lost opportunity of my son knowing his daddy more.

What i am trying to say is that your ex sees that your apparent lack of interewst (not saying it is but this is the way i felt) as hurtful and is trying to protect your son from the hurt?

Hope you get it sorted for the sake of your son and your sanity

kenshaz

nichere wrote: »

my ex wife used other people as emergancy contacts when i lived near her she did not use me as that is the way she thinks.
and yes i would use the same excuse as it is not my address to give out this belongs to my wife i have no rights to this property. the point is being missed here it is just a game she is playing with me on how she can control the situation next month there would be something else.
who knows what she could do my wife has been terrorized before by people who ran up bills etc by sending things to her adsdress before and she is scared this may happen which i understand.

I agree this is probably a form of control,but if you just remain dignified and do what is right ,your son will know this when he is older and respect you for it.
Now we have the reason for non-disclosure of the address and it is understandable,but your ex-wife will not see it from your perspective,it is probably an irrational fear,but real to you and your wife.

Errata

Surely where you live is your address, no matter who owns it. If the OP, ex wife and wife can gain a little insight into their behaviour things could improve for the children, who are the victims of dysfunction in all of this.

Hapless_2

If this got to the point where it went to court then unless there is a valid (i.e. for reasons of safety etc) reason then she will be entitled to be given details of your address.

In our case, my husband has the right to know exactly his ex's address adn telephone number and if she moves and not gives it to us she will be held in contempt of a court order.
So why not give her your address? She could take you to court and demand it!

nichere

firstly misswig my condolances to you i can not and dont want to imagine how you feel.
i do want to tell my son but my ex doesnt want him to know yet that he has a sister although i do, the reason i did not want to inform her earlier or my son was her reaction to this news as it was already a very tense situation as it was with me seeing our son and i did not want her to try any other tricks to stop me seeing him(i hope i have put this over ok as it is sometimes hard to describe fears).

TheWaltons_3

OK

I waded in half way through and didn't read all the posts.

Yes your Wife should have your address, and she should be disgusted with herself she has kept her sibling from your son. OR, perhaps she feels he doesn't need confusing as it's not as if he's going to see much of his new Sister?

nichere

sorry walton i am confused here are you saying my ex wife keeping our son from my new daughter my sons sister??
and that is why i didnt want my son to know about my wife being pregnant and him expecting a new sister or brother (turned out sister) as he would not be allowed to see them anyway so what was the point so why create more hurt for him although it is hard to always put down how you feel on here

jpvic

TheWaltons wrote: »

OK

I waded in half way through and didn't read all the posts.

A common problem on here

nichere
Go back to court and get them to enforce the origanal terms of access.
I do not know if you will have to disclose your new address a word with the judge will determin that prior to the hearing.

Good luck to you and yours