my husband doesnt find me attractive

System

My husband doesn't find me attractive in the same way as he did when we married in our 20s. We are both in our 50s now.

According to him I ought to be blonde (I was dark but now mainly grey). I'm too fat (yes he's right). I'm not clever. However, he does say ive got some redeeming features, he loves my face, he loves my boobs. He puts up with the rest.

In return I don't really find him attractive. He ought to be dark haired (but he's fair and grey). He's like a stick with a huge belly. He cant be arsed to shave very often. His mouth is like a cesspit the amount of swear words he churns out. However, he does have some redeeming features. I'm still fathoming out what they are but they are there.

Obviously for us, the things we don't like in each other aren't enough to split us up.

On a positive note, we do make an effort for each other occasionally. :rotfl:

Ive often said 'if you find someone you would rather be with other than me then I wont stand in your way'.

victory

Judi wrote: »

My husband doesn't find me attractive in the same way as he did when we married in our 20s. We are both in our 50s now.

According to him I ought to be blonde (I was dark but now mainly grey). I'm too fat (yes he's right). I'm not clever. However, he does say ive got some redeeming features, he loves my face, he loves my boobs. He puts up with the rest.

In return I don't really find him attractive. He ought to be dark haired (but he's fair and grey). He's like a stick with a huge belly. He cant be arsed to shave very often. His mouth is like a cesspit the amount of swear words he churns out. However, he does have some redeeming features. I'm still fathoming out what they are but they are there.

Obviously for us, the things we don't like in each other aren't enough to split us up.

On a positive note, we do make an effort for each other occasionally. :rotfl:

Ive often said 'if you find someone you would rather be with other than me then I wont stand in your way'.

Sounds heavenly:rotfl::rotfl::D

Georgiegirl256

ILoveEoin wrote: »

Yes I have let myself go but to be fair I was blind to it living in my own wee bubble. I just found it massive shock as it was very out of blue:(

Well that's the first step, admitting that. Now you've admitted it you can go on and do something about it.

When I first met my husband he was a skinny long haired rocker. He was gorgeous. Long black curly hair, skinny jeans and always clean shaven. He took pride in his appearance.

Fast forward many years, and he no longer walks miles to college everyday, he works from home and does no exercise whatsoever (bar walking down the stairs to the kettle), he only shaves once or twice a week and is months over due for a hair cut. He's piled on over 5 stone (over a period of years of course) and in his words not mine "I'm starting to look like Danny Baker"....admittedly, he does....

I haven't found him as attractive for a long time, and yes when it's come up in conversation, I've told him this. I didn't just come out and say it (so I can imagine that being a shock) but when he's mentioned he's unhappy with his weight and asked me what I thought, I told him, as tactfully as I could what I actually thought. He wasn't angry with me, he agreed. If someone asks me a question wanting an honest answer, what am I meant to do? Lie and say "oh 5 stone, that's nothing. It hadn't affected the way you look whatsoever. Here, have another cream cake!" In these conversations it's also come up that he hates my love of leggings and sports wear too and wishes I would dress up more. I'd say it's a certainty that he doesn't find me as attractive as he did when we first met either.

But are we going to divorce over it? Hell no! If you can't be upfront and honest with your partner then it's a sad state of affairs. I can't believe all these people saying "leave him he's an idiot", it truely does amaze me that some people are so damn sensitive and would leave a relationship over something like that.

You can still love someone but not find them attractive.

FBaby

I couldn't be more sexually attracted to my husband he looked like the stereotypical 'best looking man in the world' because he looks like him. I could feel better about my SELF if I looked better.....but a better me, not a better bland image of perfection.

Why are you assuming that it is about looking a certain way? My OH certainly isn't what one would consider 'good looking', he just happens to be gorgeous to me. That's because what would consider innatractive to others is attractive to me, whilst other things that others wouldn't really look at is what turns me on. It's the same with me, some would say I am attractive, others not, but my OH thinks I'm gorgeous.

Different people will value finding their partner attractive TO THEM something important, other won't. To me, it is very important. As it has been said above, it is not just about looks. OP has put on weight, but it might be that what is more of an issue for her partner is how it is affecting her emotionally.

Personally, I would much much more value my husband telling me that he hasn't find me attractive lately than lying to me. He is my best friend, and I would want my best friend to be totally honest with me. I very much expect that if it got to the stage of him saying it like that, it's because he would have tried to encourage me for quite some time to lose weight without success.

I WANT my partner to find me attractive, so if he didn't, then I would take it upon myself to try to get that back. Nothing wrong with making efforts to please your partner, unless of course it is something you really really wouldn't want to do.

FBaby

Love your post Judy. Shows that being attracted to one feature can be enough to feel satisfied, and that even if there is nothing left to feel attracted to, it doesn't have to affect happiness in a marriage.

In any case, surely it is directly linked with age isn't it? A 30 year old will have more expectation to be attracted to their partner than a 70 year old surely! I wonder how old OP is.

Gloomendoom

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I can't believe people are saying split up over this.

Pretty much the norm on this board for any relationship issue though. No matter how trivial.

I'm with the keep yourself trim brigade. It can be an effort at times and it doesn't guarantee confidence, but it certainly helps.

Tenyearstogo

FBaby wrote: »

In any case, surely it is directly linked with age isn't it? A 30 year old will have more expectation to be attracted to their partner than a 70 year old surely! I wonder how old OP is.

Is it linked to age? My husband and I are in our early forties. I don't expect either of us to look like we did in our twenties but I still expect s to be equally as attracted to each other as we did then.

lostinrates

FBaby wrote: »

Why are you assuming that it is about looking a certain way? My OH certainly isn't what one would consider 'good looking', he just happens to be gorgeous to me. That's because what would consider innatractive to others is attractive to me, whilst other things that others wouldn't really look at is what turns me on. It's the same with me, some would say I am attractive, others not, but my OH thinks I'm gorgeous.

Different people will value finding their partner attractive TO THEM something important, other won't. To me, it is very important. As it has been said above, it is not just about looks. OP has put on weight, but it might be that what is more of an issue for her partner is how it is affecting her emotionally.

Personally, I would much much more value my husband telling me that he hasn't find me attractive lately than lying to me. He is my best friend, and I would want my best friend to be totally honest with me. I very much expect that if it got to the stage of him saying it like that, it's because he would have tried to encourage me for quite some time to lose weight without success.

I WANT my partner to find me attractive, so if he didn't, then I would take it upon myself to try to get that back. Nothing wrong with making efforts to please your partner, unless of course it is something you really really wouldn't want to do.

Fine often with things like weight ( not always but very much usually fine). It would be unfortunate were either of you in the unfortunate tiny minority who suffered difficulty in this area beyond their control.

Not always in the things that people find attractive though...the other things I mentioned, aging, accidents, injuries. Someone in my family, for example, has had extensive skin grafts and reconstruction. It could turn a partner off I suppose. Partners involved in accidents suffering disabling injury.....marriages option survive, with love and attraction. Often frustration, I don't deny that.

justme111

I do not.think it is about the age. I see people in their 60s or 70s that I would consider attractive and people that I would not. We judge attractiveness in the.context of age of course but we still judge it.

FBaby

Is it linked to age? My husband and I are in our early forties. I don't expect either of us to look like we did in our twenties but I still expect s to be equally as attracted to each other as we did then.

well I think of 40s as still early ages Hubby and I are still the same weight we were in our 20s though! My only worry is the effect of the coming dreaded menopause, but hopefully, with exercise and proper eating, it won't leave too much damage!