my husband doesnt find me attractive

Juren

ILoveEoin wrote: »

My hubby broke the news that he still loves me but doesn't find me attractive. What do I do? am so angry but I can see his point?!?

Most men who say these things to their wives are sitting there on the couch (where else would he be) looking like Buddha with a hangover. So, is he gorgeous or what? Are you the only person in the marriage who's supposed to be attractive to the other?

Yes, he's honest (or just mean?) And so should you be to him; tell him how attractive you think he is and see how much crying he does about it. I'll wager: none.

If you want to look fitter and better, do it for yourself. And don't give him any sex (on the grounds that you are "unattractive"); see how attractive he finds you then!

stebiz

Flinkerty wrote: »

You should tell him his hair line is receding or that his little Jimmy is starting to feel softer lately. Let him feel the way him telling you that you're not attractive has made you feel.

:rotfl::rotfl:

BrassicWoman

justme111 wrote: »

Joy is a subjective feelung that comes from within. Too often we try to get it from people surrounding us . We change them in a quest for joy while more successful thing would be to change our perception/us. I doubt op bringsuch joy to her husband , should he just ditch her ? Or may be try and see how they can work through it.. long term marriages come through ups and downs and while I would agree that many of them have joyless cohabiting there are couples who reinvent themselves and I admire those. My friend was asking.me.about divorce lawyers - her husband did not fancy her , she was overwhelmed with children , overweight , he was overworked, sexless for a year. A year later I see her still in marriage , she is blooming happy radiant , lost some.weight and although not in ideal weight she feels attractive and he finds her so as well I am sure. They faced the abyss of separation , realised how much they meant for each other , each of them made adjustments in.their behaviour and I feel they are stronger for coming through it as they.know it can be done next time they hit a rough patch.

You seem to have a problem with me simply believing what I do.

Please stop it. It's not a shallow or new position for me.

duchy

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all that.
My Dad was a proper "catch" very presentable, had his own business , tall, good looking and sociable personality. He dated some absolute stunners.

However when he met my Mum -presentable but not his usual glamorous type, wrong religion (important to his family and him) and had a chronic skin complaint that made it look like she had severe scalds or burns on her skin. None of that mattered- He simply loved her for who she was -and to him she was beautiful (and he'd tell anyone who would listen)-and remained so until the day he died forty years later.

I know my OH sees me in the same way -and I count myself as very lucky.

That said there is a difference between not feeling the same zing you get in a new relationship and the comfortable feeling you get when you've been with someone a long time. "Not finding you attractive" may simply mean he's missing the zing and that you've both got a bit complacent. Men are often rubbish at expressing stuff like this .

FBaby

Yes I have let myself go but to be fair I was blind to it living in my own wee bubble. I just found it massive shock as it was very out of blue

Ok, I'll be blunt, but how could it be a real shock? He said he still love you. It's about that. It's about finding you attractive. Unfortunately, many people find overweight people not attractive. That's just the way it is.

Both my husband and I are attracted to slim people end of. We both know it. If my husband put on a lot of weight, of course I would still love him as much as I do now, but it would be lying to myself if I said I would most likely still find him attractive. If I put on 3 stones, I certainly wouldn't find myself attractive, so it certainly wouldn't come as a shock that my husband wouldn't either.

What is surprising is that it would come out of the blue. Did you never discussed at any stage in the 10 years what attracts each other? He has never said to you before that he loved your body? That he doesn't find overweight women attractive?

In the end, you can't make him feel attracted to you if he doesn't, so you have two choices, see it as an incentive to lose the weight if it is something you want to do yourself, or accept that your husband loves you and that's all you need.

FBaby

I think a lot of people here are confusing love and physical attraction. Of course you can love someone deeply and as much as you ever have, but have lost the attraction. The two are not exclusive.

seven-day-weekend

If she has put on three stone and is short, she is going to look very different. He does not like the way she looks now. This does NOT mean he does not love her, the person inside the body. It's two separate things.

I can't believe people are saying split up over this. If they love each other and work together, then it can be sorted, although of course I do understand the OP's hurt.

dandelionclock30

DaveTheMus wrote: »

You've obviously been quite badly damaged yourself, but it's not fair to give such damning advice because you're embittered about your own past experiences....

No not at all, I've got a good partner who does love me warts and all .I wouldnt have anybody being like that with me. Sorry if I'm not enough of a downtrodden, woman for you Dave.
A lot of women I know wouldnt put up with that from their man, if you think thats acceptable then I feel very sorry for you.

FBaby

I wonder how many partners don't find their partner attractive any longer, but have learnt that it is better to keep quiet about it considering the reaction of some posters!

barbiedoll

I haven't read all of the posts, so forgive me if this has been said elsewhere.

If my husband told me that he "loved me but didn't find me attractive" and it was just out of the blue, then I would wonder who he does find attractive instead. To me, it is one of those get-out phrases, like saying, "I love you but I'm not in love with you".

I know my husband wouldn't be particularly happy if I gained an enormous amount of weight (3 stone though, is it really that much?) but he pretty well knew what he was getting into, I'm slim, as are most of my family. Even so, I'm still old, saggy and ageing, I'm sure he finds the young lovelies on the music videos, much more attractive than me but I don't think he's leaving me for one any time soon. He always says that he sees me as the same as when he met me and I must admit, I see him in the same way. He has put on weight, his hair is grey and he doesn't move so quickly any more. But these changes are gradual and I'm sure that OP didn't just put on 3 stone overnight.

I'd be concerned about this, is OP's hubby trying to let her know that he wants out? If so, what a horrid way to go about it.