I need some advice :-(

aggypanthus

Maybe she is missing her dad, your ex, and blames you for him not being in her life. Time to go back over how thing were when she was 1o, and discuss her 16yr olds take on it?
Imagine she might be affected by seeing her sibling having her dad to visit, and she doesnt.

She is a bit old to be going to movies with her grandad!

barbiedoll

teenageradvice wrote: »

Your post has actually made me well up with tears a bit through sheer laughter and the advice.

I do tend to take things personally so will work hard to ignore the majority of bad stuff she says.

I don't doubt that it is much harder for you as you are a single parent. My mum bought us up alone too and my brother and sister (both childless) are always reminding her about how much she used to shout and holler at us when we were kids.

I got a bit annoyed about this the other day and asked them to remember instead, the new toys that we always had for Christmas, when our mum went without new clothes or outings so that she could pay for them. Or the fact that she didn't bring different blokes home every week to be our new "dad". Or the years of clearing-up, cooking, cleaning and shopping she did, as well as working two or three part-time jobs to keep a roof over our heads.

Parents are often seriously underrated by their kids! :mad:

elsien

If your daughter is anything like I was, she's not giving any thought whatsoever to you having feelings. In retrospect I probably made my mother feel dreadful on many an occasion. At the time, it probably never really crossed my mind in any meaningful way.
Teenagers can be very self-centred creatures at times, and mums feelings are considered an irrelevance.. That doesn't make it right, but it's not as personal as it can feel when you're the lone parent hanging on in on the receiving end.

teenageradvice

aggypanthus wrote: »

Maybe she is missing her dad, your ex, and blames you for him not being in her life. Time to go back over how thing were when she was 1o, and discuss her 16yr olds take on it?
Imagine she might be affected by seeing her sibling having her dad to visit, and she doesnt.

She is a bit old to be going to movies with her grandad!

She is very close to her grandad and they enjoy spending time together.

I agree about her natural father. Despite my efforts over the years he refuses to see her and there isnt much I can do about it. My marriage ended when my husband had an affair and got her pregnant so there was no way I was going to stay just for my daughters sake at the time.

Obviously the youngest does see her father and thats not going to change so the teenager just has to deal with it really, current circumstances cant/wont change.

teenageradvice

barbiedoll wrote: »

I don't doubt that it is much harder for you as you are a single parent. My mum bought us up alone too and my brother and sister (both childless) are always reminding her about how much she used to shout and holler at us when we were kids.

I got a bit annoyed about this the other day and asked them to remember instead, the new toys that we always had for Christmas, when our mum went without new clothes or outings so that she could pay for them. Or the fact that she didn't bring different blokes home every week to be our new "dad". Or the years of clearing-up, cooking, cleaning and shopping she did, as well as working two or three part-time jobs to keep a roof over our heads.

Parents are often seriously underrated by their kids! :mad:

You have hit the nail on the head. I have been through a tough time myself in the last 18 months after my relationship broke down. It wasnt my decision and I struggled terribly, and still do on occasions to move on. If I am feeling low then I can have a short temper although I do try not to take it out on the girls.

It annoys me when I have to ask 2 or 3 times for her to do something - as an example, I was out on Saturday evening for dinner with some girlfriends and was unexpectedly admitted to hospital through a&e. I had got daughter stuff for dinner and asked her to ensure she washed up and cleared away when she was done before I went out. When I got home yesterday it was al still out and I had to ask her 3 times to do it. She then done her ironing around 5pm and when I went to bed at 10pm I popped my head in to say goodnight and had to ask her for the 4th time since 5pm to hang her ironing up. 2 items are still on the side.

I hope she appreciates that I try and give her a good lifestyle, but it really dosent feel like it.

Errata

teenageradvice wrote: »

She has a cinema card and I occasionally go with her, altho she tends to go with my father at least twice a week (he also has a card and pays for hers).

Money isnt hugely flush so whatever we do has to be cheap-ish. I have organised a spa weekend for her 16th birthday in October. We dont tend to eat out as to expensive.

Cinema twice a week with grandad, walks by the river, trips to the zoo, the park, the paddling pool? Fine and dandy for a toddler but enough to make any 16 year old girl hate their mother and wish they were dead.

System

I had got daughter stuff for dinner and asked her to ensure she washed up and cleared away when she was done before I went out. When I got home yesterday it was al still out and I had to ask her 3 times to do it

You made the fatal mistake of asking. If you ask it will never get done. You need to tell them firmly. Don't forget to add please at the end out of common courtesy.

"When you've had your dinner. Don't forget to do your own washing up please" will get better results than. "Will you do your washing up when you've finished please?"

I learned that years ago.

teenageradvice

Errata wrote: »

Cinema twice a week with grandad, walks by the river, trips to the zoo, the park, the paddling pool? Fine and dandy for a toddler but enough to make any 16 year old girl hate their mother and wish they were dead.

All stuff she wants to do? The sort of thing she suggests when I ask.

Sadly, i dont have the funds to continuously do things that she would find far more thrilling on a regular basis, as much I would love to be able to.

justme111

I have it all to come , my daughter is 9 and even now I get hurt often by feeling of not being respected , unappreciated etc. I guess everybody does , single parents specially as dynamic in family unit is not the same , we tend to take things far more personally. So hugs to you.
Will join the chorus of other women telling better not to read and if read under no circumstances not to confront your daughter about what she written.
I thought I would have no trouble in being a single parent as I been fine financially and only years into it I realised how it can not be done perfect , how my own romantic life affected my daughter by the mere fact she was not prioritised in the same way she would been if I had a stable relationship. Because when you are depleted you can not offer strength and calm and emotional stability to her ..

mandragora_2

Really try hard not to worry abbout what she's writing in her notebook - it's a coping mechanism; it may well be a case of 'Write down the verym very worst stuf, and then forget it'. That's why counselling sessions are private and so effective as a therapy -a way of taking out and 'unpacking' anything, no matter how trivial or how dreadfu, no matter how 'true' or just supposed/imagined - you get to write it down (as here) or say it out loud to someone who doesn't have a vested interest (as in a counsellor) and giove it a good old poke about. Then, when you've finished, you get to pack it away and either realise it's nonsense, or it's true but you're ok with it, or it's true and you want to do something to change it. It's her way of venting feelings, thoughts and ideas that might be fleeting.

Let her know you love her (and that certainly shows here); that you care for her (that also shows here, too) and that if she wants you, you're there. It's our job as parents to love them - we do that regardless. As kids, well, they might not always feel that they have a job to do to love us in return - crikey, some days it's hard enough for them to love themselves, let alone anyone else!