I need some advice :-(

DomRavioli

teenageradvice wrote: »

I dont make reading her diary a habit, I just want to clarify. I was stripping her bed to wash this morning when a book called 'Notes' fell out of the duvet cover. I opened at no particular point to be confronted with 'wish I was dead' so I flicked through a few pages. Ive not read the whole diary (flicking through was enough to see there is an issue). - Don't breach your daughter's trust again. There's only so many times your mum can go behind your back, trying to find out about your life before your daughter will leave and not come back - I know that from personal experience. Your daughter is 16 years old, let her be a 16 year old who thinks the world is against them; I wonder what else is going on between OP and daughter if she likes to snoop (yes, it is snooping, you could have put the book back, but you didn't).

I like to think I am a good parent and if there was something wrong then as her mother I can help her work through it. Your child is 16 years old. Maybe she doesn't want your help after a serious breach of trust? I could understand that, given the situation. Stop smothering her, she probably wants to find her own way in the world without her mum sticking her beak in.

OP, you need to understand you have broken your child's trust in you, and that will take time to repair - I do wonder what else is going on if you feel it necessary to go through your daughter's private diary that she obviously hid from you and your other child.

Also, if your teenager doesn't do the house work, then they sleep in a dirty bed - they will soon realise how nasty it is, and then you may get somewhere; she is almost an adult and it is time you treated her like one.

teenageradvice

tomtontom wrote: »

And the book has mysteriously jumped out at you twice now?

The Christmas incident was slightly different. A book she had recommended I read was left in the communal area of where we were holidaying. I picked it up to read the bio on it but it was only the cover which she had put on her diary. Its not like I have deliberately gone hunting for a diary.

I did confront her last time (about 3 weeks later) and this book is a different style so was not recognisable as a diary.

teenageradvice

Person_one wrote: »

Did you not recognise it from when you were reading it back in December?

its a different book. This current one is from 7th March

Person_one

teenageradvice wrote: »

its a different book. This current one is from 7th March

Is there any truth to what she writes?

If you keep reading her diary, what else are you doing to give her cause to be angry with you?

pleasedelete

teenageradvice wrote: »

I was 19, almost 20 when she was born. i try and spend time with her as much as I can. Recently she has been studying a lot as had her mock exams over the past 2 weeks. I take her on shopping trips and we hang out at home. She tends to spend her weekends with her friends which is fine as last year I was concerned that she didnt socialise enough!

Thats great- is the toddler somewhere else when you hang out at home or go shopping?

One of my close family had a sibling when they were 14. They are the most laid back person in the world but they say it transformed their family life beyond recognition. Holidays, trips out etc- the focus changed to be suitable for a baby and not the other 3 who were all teenagers.In their 30s and 40s they now all get on but all 3 older ones say that it affected their lives in such a way that they would never have children with a big gap. Now I think that was how their parents handled it to be honest but it is hard time being a teenager and babies and young children are hard going for anyone.

teenageradvice

pleasedelete wrote: »

Thats great- is the toddler somewhere else when you hang out at home or go shopping?

One of my close family had a sibling when they were 14. They are the most laid back person in the world but they say it transformed their family life beyond recognition. Holidays, trips out etc- the focus changed to be suitable for a baby and not the other 3 who were all teenagers.In their 30s and 40s they now all get on but all 3 older ones say that it affected their lives in such a way that they would never have children with a big gap. Now I think that was how their parents handled it to be honest but it is hard time being a teenager and babies and young children are hard going for anyone.

In the evenings the toddler is in bed and every other weekend toddler goes to stay with her dad.

its hard with such a big age gap to do things as a family which will keep both girls entertained. As a family we go out for a walk several days a week along the local river, to the park.. When toddler is with us on the weekend I try and do stuff with both, so recently we have been to the zoo, to a local outdoor paddling pool when then weather is good, to the beach. It is good satisfying both of them at the same time but im trying my best.

teenageradvice

Person_one wrote: »

Is there any truth to what she writes?

If you keep reading her diary, what else are you doing to give her cause to be angry with you?

I dont understand why she says she is afraid to leave me alone with the toddler. We both have a good relationship with the little one. I think anyway.

Fluff15

teenageradvice wrote: »

If only. She does not help around the house, if I ask then she gets in a huff and as an example, if i ask her to wash up then its not done properly and I have to redo half of it. I do all the washing in the house, including hers. As a small family it would seem silly doing several different loads a week if she was to do her own (and expensive!)

Sounds like normal teenager behaviour to me - my brother is 16 and the same. Leave her washing in her room for her to bring down herself; try to stay out her room as much as possible as it's her private space.

You've broken her trust; when you first realised the books were handwritten and diary type you should have put them down. All teenagers say things they don't mean - I used to keep a diary that was similar. I came across it when I was 19 when I was clearing out my room, laughed about how embarrassing it was and threw it away.

If she's doing well in school, a healthy weight, doesn't actually say these things to your face and otherwise you still do things together - then don't worry.

pleasedelete

zoo and paddling pool- hmm does that sound 15/16 or 3 ?
Walks by river- 15/16 year old?
Beach- 15/16 year old?

Spa day? Bowling? Cinema to see a grown up film (not suitable for 3 year olds). Meal at a restaurant? Day out by train to London shopping?

System

I always kept a diary as a teenager and was gutted when I found out my Mother had been reading them. I said a lot of things in my diary that was fantasy and some of it that was reality in my innocent sort of way. At that age I could slip into fantasy and reality as easy as dropping a hat (in my head anyway).

The problem was Mother didn't know what was what and confronted me with it. Once I'd talked it through with Mother I realized I'd got no outlet to display my thoughts and feelings which in some ways injured me as I'd been using my diary as a comfort blanket in so many ways. I remember saying I hated my Mother too. I'd seen a boy I liked walking to school and Mom wouldn't let me wear my best pair of shoes for school. Of course I didn't hate her really I was just angry with her because I couldn't get my own way. I remember saying I'd made love to my boyfriend..... That was the main thing that bought it to a head with Mother. At 13, an innocent to having sex and all that, making love to me was having a snog but obviously Mom didn't know that. When she read it she obviously thought I was having sex.

I stopped writing my diary soon after that as I realized I wasn't free to express myself freely so there was no point.

I went back to diary writing in my first pregnancy. Secret words to me and my unborn baby but again, I caught my ex husband reading it and I felt silly. Thing is, after she died I regretted not keeping it up and carrying it on with it. It would have been so valuable to me, before and after her death.

Of course now theres a chance if your daughter knows you have read her diary, she knows you will continue reading it and she could be making stuff up as she goes along. Believe me, those expressions of anger and bitterness as a child are real feelings at the time, but later on in years turn out to nothing but meaningless rants.