I need some advice :-(

teenageradvice

pleasedelete wrote: »

zoo and paddling pool- hmm does that sound 15/16 or 3 ?
Walks by river- 15/16 year old?
Beach- 15/16 year old?

Spa day? Bowling? Cinema to see a grown up film (not suitable for 3 year olds). Meal at a restaurant? Day out by train to London shopping?

She has a cinema card and I occasionally go with her, altho she tends to go with my father at least twice a week (he also has a card and pays for hers).

Money isnt hugely flush so whatever we do has to be cheap-ish. I have organised a spa weekend for her 16th birthday in October. We dont tend to eat out as to expensive.

susieq87

when i was 16 i hated my mum. i felt like she was trying to control everything i did, curfew, not staying out til late when my other friends would and i started to rebel. i wanted to sabotage her life because i felt she was responsible for breaking the family apart causing my dad to move away from us. what your daughter is going through is absolutely normal, its quite possible that she doesnt like how you treat her even though you might have the best intentions at heart right now it doesnt seem that way to her.
hopefully she'll grow out of it, my mum is like my best friend now. i tell her almost everything and we actually enjoy spending time with each other now!

teenageradvice

Judi wrote: »

I always kept a diary as a teenager and was gutted when I found out my Mother had been reading them. I said a lot of things in my diary that was fantasy and some of it that was reality in my innocent sort of way. At that age I could slip into fantasy and reality as easy as dropping a hat (in my head anyway).

The problem was Mother didn't know what was what and confronted me with it. Once I'd talked it through with Mother I realized I'd got no outlet to display my thoughts and feelings which in some ways injured me as I'd been using my diary as a comfort blanket in so many ways. I remember saying I hated my Mother too. I'd seen a boy I liked walking to school and Mom wouldn't let me wear my best pair of shoes for school. Of course I didn't hate her really I was just angry with her because I couldn't get my own way. I remember saying I'd made love to my boyfriend..... That was the main thing that bought it to a head with Mother. At 13, an innocent to having sex and all that, making love to me was having a snog but obviously Mom didn't know that. When she read it she obviously thought I was having sex.

I stopped writing my diary soon after that as I realized I wasn't free to express myself freely so there was no point.

I went back to diary writing in my first pregnancy. Secret words to me and my unborn baby but again, I caught my ex husband reading it and I felt silly. Thing is, after she died I regretted not keeping it up and carrying it on with it. It would have been so valuable to me, before and after her death.

Of course now theres a chance if your daughter knows you have read her diary, she knows you will continue reading it and she could be making stuff up as she goes along. Believe me, those expressions of anger and bitterness as a child are real feelings at the time, but later on in years turn out to nothing but meaningless rants.

Im sorry for your loss. Some of the stuff she has written comes across as not getting her own way. She asked for a kitten or a puppy and I said I would think about it. However, living in rented accom and leading a fairly busy life means its not going to be possible at the moment. She is seeing this as a broken promise (her words) although I didnt actually promise or even say yes. If I cant afford to do something she wants, or buy something she wants then again, im the bad guy.

She forgets about all the nice stuff she has and everything I do for her. I know this is typical teenager, still hurtful though.

System

teenageradvice wrote: »

Im sorry for your loss. Some of the stuff she has written comes across as not getting her own way. She asked for a kitten or a puppy and I said I would think about it. However, living in rented accom and leading a fairly busy life means its not going to be possible at the moment. She is seeing this as a broken promise (her words) although I didnt actually promise or even say yes. If I cant afford to do something she wants, or buy something she wants then again, im the bad guy.

She forgets about all the nice stuff she has and everything I do for her. I know this is typical teenager, still hurtful though.

Thanks for your kind words.

Well the kitten/puppy thing you should have said no to straight away if you knew it wasn't possible to keep one. She's probably gone through weeks/months wondering if she will get one.

Kids eh? I see endless wisdom quotes on Facebook saying its the time you have spent with your children that will count to them when they are adults and not the things you said no to but in my experience they remember both. Sad but true.

elsien

You remind me of my mother. She "found" my diary which was full of how much I hated her and various other teenage angst. She tackled me about it on the grounds I "must have wanted her to read it or I wouldn't have left it where she'd have found it."
Er, no, it was in my room because I never dreamed she'd invade my privacy to that extent. I then started writing more hurtful stuff thinking that if she read it it served her right for being a nosy cow. (I was a stroppy so-and-so in those days. )
Longer term end result, I stopped writing a diary and stopped trusting my mum. Any conversations we might have had were then well and truly off the cards.
I really wouldn't mention the diary, just make sure she knows you're there if you need her. And don't go looking for it again, it won't help either of you.

System

Longer term end result, I stopped writing a diary and stopped trusting my mum. Any conversations we might have had were then well and truly off the cards.

Same here except I did trust her one more time when I trusted her enough to tell her I was having sex at 15.

Big mistake she called me all the names under the sun.

Said more about her really than me.

fivetide

teenageradvice wrote: »

I know this which is why I am asking advice as she is obviously unhappy.

Yet your first response to me was that she isn't obviously unhappy - you only say this because you have invaded her privacy.

She needs a place to vent. She sounds like a teenager to me, all stroppy and things.

Get her to be doing her own sheets and room. I'd been doing it for years by 16!!

Give her a bit more respect and space on a personal level and echoing others, work on having some mum/daughter time together if there is someone that can help with the wee one. Go shopping, do lunch or something or get a girl day set up.

teenageradvice

fivetide wrote: »

Yet your first response to me was that she isn't obviously unhappy - you only say this because you have invaded her privacy.

She needs a place to vent. She sounds like a teenager to me, all stroppy and things.

Get her to be doing her own sheets and room. I'd been doing it for years by 16!!

Give her a bit more respect and space on a personal level and echoing others, work on having some mum/daughter time together if there is someone that can help with the wee one. Go shopping, do lunch or something or get a girl day set up.

I do most of your suggestions already. I don't clean her room, she does (after me moaning the bin is overflowing!), she does her own ironing as well. I do stuff with her as much as possible depending on her plans with her friends, available money and the little one bring around.

teenageradvice

Thank you all for the advice. I am not going to say anything to her but will be stopping such an easy life as such. If she wants something then she is going to have to show respect and earn it by helping around the house etc.

This morning I was so upset and angry that my only train of thought was to give her the option to go and live with her grandparents and see that the grass wont be any greener on the other side which is why I came for advice.

ska_lover

I think she is a typical teenager OP, Teenagers are by nature - dramatic creatures

I had a diary as a teenager, and I came across it recently and had a laugh at how many times I wished I was dead or hated a family member. The teenage angst and drama that unfolded, was hysterical

I am another one that thinks you have broken her trust by reading the diary, but I can totally see why a parent would be tempted. Maybe apologise and buy her a diary with a lock on it? Build mutual respect

I think asking her to move in with her grandparents is a baaaaaaaad move - it will remove any feelings of security she has living with you and she will resent that. You need to sort your issues, not transfer them on to other family members