I need some advice :-(

teenageradvice

Morning all

Ive registered a new name so that I can get some unbiased advice regarding my teenage daughter.

Some background... she is almost 16 and just about to finish Year 10 at school. Her father isn't around (since pregnancy). I have another child as well and have recently (18 months ago) split with her father.

Back in December I found out my daughter had been writing nasty stuff in hr diary about me. Things like how much she hated me, I am an awful mother, she wishes she was dead etc. I spoke with her about it and although she didnt actually tell me any issues I thought that was it.

This morning I have found she has been doing the same. How I have ruined her life, she is afraid to leave me alone with my other daughter (I am genuinely confused as to why she would feel this way), she hates me etc.

No actual reasons are given for the way she feels and I need some advice on how to handle it. One thing that did pop up from her diary was that she has recently thrown into the sea something personal to her that was given to her by my ex husband whom she called dad. She hasn't seen him or had contact since she was 10 due to a very acrimonious marriage breakup. It said she feels like she has closure from it so obviously the marriage break up was difficult for her although she never presented any issues/problems since the break up (in 2008).

I really dont know how to handle it all. I suffer depression myself although right now I feel I am at a good place in my life. I have always made sure my daughter has everything and lives a nice lifestyle - nice home, holidays abroad every year, she goes on school trips (most recently to Iceland, last year France etc), she has a nice phone, a ipad for xmas last year, if she wants something then generally Ill try and make it happen but in a non spoilt way if that makes sense? Everyone around us comments what a nice girl she is - she is doing great at school, good set of friends, never in trouble, member of Police Cadets....

Her attitude towards me can at times be disgusting but I have put it down to teenage hormones but it seems its more deep then that.

She is at school so does not know I have found this out but I want to talk to her when she gets home later but need guidance on how to handle as right now I am angry and upset and I'm afraid I'm going to say something I may regret.

Person_one

Why are you reading her diary? That's a terrible breach of trust.

lika_86

Firstly, why are you reading your daughter's diary? Short of having real concerns about her welfare (which it seems there aren't), you have no excuse.

Secondly, do you remember being a teenager and how everything is unfair and how parents ruined your life even though now you realise they weren't actually doing anything wrong?

Let her have her own private space to vent.

iwannanicerlife

Stop reading her diary! I kept a diary religiously when I was younger (right up until my early 20s) and in my teens, my diary was full of "I hate my mum" etc etc. I love my mum so very much and it was probably as a result of not being allowed to go out to the park with my friends (or something similar!).

If I had found out my mum had read my diary, I would have been destroyed. Think very carefully about confronting her ....

teenageradvice

So you both think I should let her carry on being nasty about me, wishing herself dead?

fivetide

Is she otherwise happy? Does she do well at school?

Why are you invading her privacy otherwise? This is not the way to get a good relationship with her at all.

Artytarty

Ok I fess up, I've read my daughters diary from time to time in the past.

Anyhow, I. Also,the daughter of a one parent family.
I hated my mUm at times for cheating me out of a Dad. I'd get excited if she was dating someone and I always hopes she's marry. I even boasted about it I. School once, how I was going to be bridesmaid etc..
It's irrational as you and my mUm realistically did what they thought was in our best interests. Perhaps she is afraid that you have a closer bond with her half sister than with he and that's why she doesn't want you left alone?
It's very hurtful, but I wouldn't actually tell her you'd read the diary. Just say you are aware she isn't terribly happy at the moment and you'd like to sort it out.
Best of luck in a hard job.

teenageradvice

fivetide wrote: »

Is she otherwise happy? Does she do well at school?

Why are you invading her privacy otherwise? This is not the way to get a good relationship with her at all.

Yes, she does well at school and I thought she was happy but the content she is writing suggests very much otherwise.

kelpie35

I am shocked that you have read her diary.

I am not surprised she has bad thoughts about you.

What was her response when you challenged her the first time about what you had read?

I think it is you that has serious problems and you daughter has a very health life, at least she is able to write her frustrations down and that is surely and excellent release for her.

If you want to help your daughter I would suggest you mind your own business with regard to reading very private thoughts.

Artytarty

Hang on a mo, stop worrying about her being nasty ABOUT you. This is about her , not what names she's been calling you.

ecgirl07

teenageradvice wrote: »

So you both think I should let her carry on being nasty about me, wishing herself dead?

Yes as long as it is confined to her personal diary.

If she is self harming or giving cause for concern outside of the diary then address it. If she is disrespectful to you in person then address it.

But you will destroy any trust she has in you by reading her diary and talking to her about what is in it.