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Confusedandneedhelp

FBaby wrote: »

That question doesn't relate to your situation though. You haven't spend serious time apart, and the question is about whether people get back together after serious deception, cheating and lying.

I think you will find that few do because the one doing the deceiving rarely have a good reason to explain their actions let alone the willingness to change their attitude.

There was no cheating or anything like that. But there are changes which need to be made. I am thinking about serious time apart, I'm applying for a new job and trying to keep busy.

Confusedandneedhelp

Transformers wrote: »

Why?

Just why?

Because I miss my family. I miss seeing my kids everyday. I miss the companionship. I miss the good times.

But Ye it's a good question. I dunno. Sometimes I think f it, if she wanted to fix it we would be fixing it. Other times I'll look at photos of my kids and think how nice it's be to be there 24/7. I'm old fashioned maybe but I want my family.

Confusedandneedhelp

purpleshoes wrote: »

You made a comment on a previous thread about her having 3 kids by 3 different men. Im not sure how much respect there is between you both never mind love.

I think your relationship is over going by the stuff you posted on other threads, but you are struggling to accept it.

Putting a time apart of 6 months on things is going to be of no use to you if she has already moved on.

Things get said in anger. Things which I think everyone has done at some point and regretted. But u might be right.

I agree the old relationship is over. I don't necessarily like it, but it is. I don't know if she has, honestly. I really really don't know. I thought she had but then her cousin rang me and made it seem like she hadn't but wasn't ready to try again either.

Confusedandneedhelp

Ozzuk wrote: »

I was wondering how you were doing. We can only assume from your brief post that things aren't working perhaps because you couldn't keep it together and just be there for the kids, apologies if that is incorrect.

If it is correct, then its only been a few weeks, you can't undo years of issues just like that and you've had plenty of advice for positive action you could take. Yes it sucks its happening and yes you may have to face up to the fact you guys will never sort this out, but be there for the kids and do your job as their father. 'serious time apart' is not weeks, could be months, years after the issues you've described previously.

Thanks, think ur sort of right. She didn't make it easy to just be there for the kids. Mixed messages and so forth. But things have gotten to a point where I agree with u that months, maybe years need to pass.

I think the first few months have been the hardest as there's been no stability. I'm hoping now that there is a plan in place that will be easier.

I'm a dad first. I love my kids completely. I think I miss them more than the relationship.

Confusedandneedhelp

Morglin wrote: »

If it has got up the point of a 'trial seperation', without being resolved, then it's unlikely to ever be mended.

Limping along giving it another go isn't always the answer - best to sort out the kids, and then call it a day.

If it didn't work once, why would it work at the second attempt?


Lin

Think it's a case of didn't know what I had til it's gone. Now I know and am ready to change.

But Ye dunno.

ska_lover

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

Basically the short version is we were together 3.5 years, have a child together and two who know me as dad. Reason for the break up was basically taking the family for granted. Now I realise my mistakes, but things have gotten worse. So I know that time apart is required. Atleast 6 months.

But I will answer:
1: yes I think they can be fixed. The issues were a build up over time and not a single serious event. I think with time to heal wounds the feelings would return.
2: I'm going to spend the time apart improving myself - gym, healthier eating, being more domesticated.
3: I think there are always some problems. But it's how we deal with them that counts and something we could work on.
4: do u mean can we both get passed the previous issues without hate or can we both move on seperately?
5: I don't know. Sometimes I think there's still serious love there. Sometimes I don't. There's a lot if hurt still.

My one real sore point is she's got a new friend who she has a kiss and a cuddle with ( apparently that's all it is ) and I find that really hard to accept ( and frankly to believe ).

I haven't ready everyone elses reponses matey, as there appears to be quite a lot of negativity so am going to side step that, and concentrate on you, and on facevalue on what you have said on this thread and not a previous one I haven't read

Question 4 - I meant - move on together as a couple, without recrimination - you know, without one or both of you dragging up the past in the first argument that comes along

You are right, every relationship has issues - and it does sound like (rightly or wrongly) you are shouldering the blame here

I think that there would be a chance of you sorting out your issues, if it was only the fact you took the family for granted, as such - people change, mature and it is possible.

6 months is a long break, a life changing amount of time IMO - anything could happen to either of you in this time, a new job, move away, a new serious partner, anything

Most worrying is the fact that she has someone else now dragged into the mix - and so soon. You seem like you are agonising over this, while she is already moving on.

I am so sorry if this is not what you want to hear but there was never a truer saying than ''Actions speak louder than words'', and a break from your relationship shouldn't mean 'a break to go and get off with other people' - it should be as you say - a chance to work on yourselves, and work out what you both want, and if that correlates with what the other wants.

I am so sorry, but I fear you could spend months or years agonizing over this situation, when in fact (in my opinion) you need to move on - as you seem two very different people. You both have different ideas of what this temporary split could mean - she is seeing it as freedom.

In your shoes, I mean I may be speaking out of turn here, but if there were someone else involved, that would be a deal breaker for me

ska_lover

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

Thank u and sorry. Sometimes emotions and feelings are harder to overcome even with great advice.

I totally get this. When in turmoil sometimes some of us will ask for, and seek out the same answers repeatedly to ensure we get things right in our own heads. I have been down this road, and believe me, you will drive yourself bezerk with it all if you aint careful

We all deal with things differently, so no need to be apologetic, you dont see it now, but its apart of the 'coming to terms' thing

victory

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

Basically things keep going wrong.

Won't note with the details but suffice to say me and my ex need some serious time apart.

I guess the only real reason for the post is to ask one question. How many people really get back together with their ex after some serious time apart.

It may be pathetic, but we have 3 kids. And I do want to fix things.

Oh no, not this again:eek: from your threads and advise, guidance, help and support a lot of posters gave you what did you learn?
What did you take on board?
What did you put into practice?
Did you allow her to breathe?

Confusedandneedhelp

ska_lover wrote: »

I haven't ready everyone elses reponses matey, as there appears to be quite a lot of negativity so am going to side step that, and concentrate on you, and on facevalue on what you have said on this thread and not a previous one I haven't read

Question 4 - I meant - move on together as a couple, without recrimination - you know, without one or both of you dragging up the past in the first argument that comes along

You are right, every relationship has issues - and it does sound like (rightly or wrongly) you are shouldering the blame here

I think that there would be a chance of you sorting out your issues, if it was only the fact you took the family for granted, as such - people change, mature and it is possible.

6 months is a long break, a life changing amount of time IMO - anything could happen to either of you in this time, a new job, move away, a new serious partner, anything

Most worrying is the fact that she has someone else now dragged into the mix - and so soon. You seem like you are agonising over this, while she is already moving on.

I am so sorry if this is not what you want to hear but there was never a truer saying than ''Actions speak louder than words'', and a break from your relationship shouldn't mean 'a break to go and get off with other people' - it should be as you say - a chance to work on yourselves, and work out what you both want, and if that correlates with what the other wants.

I am so sorry, but I fear you could spend months or years agonizing over this situation, when in fact (in my opinion) you need to move on - as you seem two very different people. You both have different ideas of what this temporary split could mean - she is seeing it as freedom.

In your shoes, I mean I may be speaking out of turn here, but if there were someone else involved, that would be a deal breaker for me

See it pretty much is for me. But she insists it's just a drunken kids with a friend and nothing more is going on. Her cousin said the same thing.

A drunken kids I can live with, another relationship not so much. I'm 50/50 on what this is, but I guess only time will tell.

As for moving past for both of us - yes I think that is possible.

My hope is 6 months is enough for the wounds to heal. We have a lot if history I don't think that disappears so easily. It hasn't for me.

She's said before she wants to sort things out, but I think confused and the past is still raw so not eager to until stuff is proved one way or the other.

I think she sees going out as freedom, freedom from raising three kids. But that's taking what she says at face value.

I can look past some things whilst we are apart but it's just so confusing. One days she's talking family days out, the next it's less amicable.

Confusedandneedhelp

victory wrote: »

Oh no, not this again:eek: from your threads and advise, guidance, help and support a lot of posters gave you what did you learn?
What did you take on board?
What did you put into practice?
Did you allow her to breathe?

Not yet. I am now. I should've listened. I didn't. I have now. Sorry, just hard sometimes.