Not posted for a while...

Confusedandneedhelp

ska_lover wrote: »

I totally get this. When in turmoil sometimes some of us will ask for, and seek out the same answers repeatedly to ensure we get things right in our own heads. I have been down this road, and believe me, you will drive yourself bezerk with it all if you aint careful

We all deal with things differently, so no need to be apologetic, you dont see it now, but its apart of the 'coming to terms' thing

Thanks. I'm trying. The old relationship is gone. But I'm hoping something new can come out of this.

It's not just her, my kids mean the world to me and I want to be there everyday

ska_lover

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

See it pretty much is for me. But she insists it's just a drunken kids with a friend and nothing more is going on. Her cousin said the same thing.

A drunken kids I can live with, another relationship not so much. I'm 50/50 on what this is, but I guess only time will tell.

As for moving past for both of us - yes I think that is possible.

My hope is 6 months is enough for the wounds to heal. We have a lot if history I don't think that disappears so easily. It hasn't for me.

She's said before she wants to sort things out, but I think confused and the past is still raw so not eager to until stuff is proved one way or the other.

I think she sees going out as freedom, freedom from raising three kids. But that's taking what she says at face value.

I can look past some things whilst we are apart but it's just so confusing. One days she's talking family days out, the next it's less amicable.

Just be careful you arent being led down the garden path re this other party, and what is going on. You are right, only time will tell. I would be suspicious if I were you too

I think you definately need some headspace to work out exactly what is going on and what it is you need & want.

You mentioned earlier on about missing being a full time dad and seeing your kids, more than you do miss the relationship, and that is very telling

You mentioned some great ideas earlier about concentrating on yourself over the course of the next few months, going to the gym etc - that sounds brilliant.

ska_lover

Confusedandneedhelp wrote: »

Not yet. I am now. I should've listened. I didn't. I have now. Sorry, just hard sometimes.

Don't keep apologising!


If people are fed up of seeing your concerns, they can always scroll on, rather than respond in such a negative fashion. The only thing the negative comments are doing, is making you feel worse and making other posters feel superior that they can pass judgement that you are handing things in, what is in their opinion, the incorrect fashion. Some people enjoy kicking a man while he is down

There is no right or wrong way to deal with turmoil - which is what you are clearly in.

GobbledyGook

I think it can work, although as someone in a relationship with their ex husband I would say that!

However we split up. We got divorced, we disagreed over stuff and we basically built our own lives on the basis that the relationship as it was was over.

We both, briefly, met other people, we seen each other only to deal with the children and when a family situation (with his mother) kept throwing us into each other's paths we resisted the temptation to get back together then. It would have been so easy, but nothing had changed so we wouldn't have been any better off.

That was almost 4 years ago. We've been back together around a year and he moved in with us when I moved a couple of months ago.

The thing is we're both very different people now. Him especially. He didn't just say 'I'll change' he went off and he actually did change the things that needed changing because HE wanted too.

Ultimately I believe it took that time apart for us to realise that we did want to be together. The compromises we both make for the lives we both want are worth it and now we both know (remember perhaps) that. He wants the children to have a SAHM, I want to go to uni; I want him to have a work-life balance whereas the career he loves means that it always difficult; he's super, super tidy whereas I'd rather play a game of cards with the kids in a clean, but not super tidy kids than spend the time cleaning until you can eat your dinner off the floor.

The thing is though it took actual time and it pretty much involved us both (he cheated so was 'most' in the wrong) accepting that our old relationship was over. The relationship we have now is very different because we've both changed, both grown up and both moved on a bit from what we were happy to accept and live with before.

There's no point going back to something that's always the same. If it's the same it'll fail or or bring heartache in the same way. If it is to work it takes both people to make it work and both people to want to make it work. Wanting the family is fine, but sometimes the children are far better off when the family doesn't involved Mum and Dad living in the same house.

Confusedandneedhelp

ska_lover wrote: »

Don't keep apologising!


If people are fed up of seeing your concerns, they can always scroll on, rather than respond in such a negative fashion. The only thing the negative comments are doing, is making you feel worse and making other posters feel superior that they can pass judgement that you are handing things in, what is in their opinion, the incorrect fashion. Some people enjoy kicking a man while he is down

There is no right or wrong way to deal with turmoil - which is what you are clearly in.

Ok sorry

Thanks for the support

Confusedandneedhelp

ska_lover wrote: »

Just be careful you arent being led down the garden path re this other party, and what is going on. You are right, only time will tell. I would be suspicious if I were you too

I think you definately need some headspace to work out exactly what is going on and what it is you need & want.

You mentioned earlier on about missing being a full time dad and seeing your kids, more than you do miss the relationship, and that is very telling

You mentioned some great ideas earlier about concentrating on yourself over the course of the next few months, going to the gym etc - that sounds brilliant.

Thanks, Ye that's the plan.

I think ur right. It's time for some positives in life. I do miss the kids a lot. And Ye I miss the companionship, but not the fighting. Sometimes it was great, others it wasn't. But Ye - time to clear my head and think

Ozzuk

ska_lover wrote: »

Don't keep apologising!


If people are fed up of seeing your concerns, they can always scroll on, rather than respond in such a negative fashion. The only thing the negative comments are doing, is making you feel worse and making other posters feel superior that they can pass judgement that you are handing things in, what is in their opinion, the incorrect fashion. Some people enjoy kicking a man while he is down

There is no right or wrong way to deal with turmoil - which is what you are clearly in.

Read through his other thread. This has all been discussed. I don't think we're being negative, but yes maybe we are chastising because the OP knows what he needs, has had masses of hopefully good advice and now needs to implement it, not just repeat. We could scroll on, but even though this is just 'teh interweb' people actually do care, but breaking a cycle is better than just continuously talking through it.

Of course he can ask for help again, but I think he already knows the answer.

Good luck OP, chin up and things will get better but you have to take control of your life.

Confusedandneedhelp

GobbledyGook wrote: »

I think it can work, although as someone in a relationship with their ex husband I would say that!

However we split up. We got divorced, we disagreed over stuff and we basically built our own lives on the basis that the relationship as it was was over.

We both, briefly, met other people, we seen each other only to deal with the children and when a family situation (with his mother) kept throwing us into each other's paths we resisted the temptation to get back together then. It would have been so easy, but nothing had changed so we wouldn't have been any better off.

That was almost 4 years ago. We've been back together around a year and he moved in with us when I moved a couple of months ago.

The thing is we're both very different people now. Him especially. He didn't just say 'I'll change' he went off and he actually did change the things that needed changing because HE wanted too.

Ultimately I believe it took that time apart for us to realise that we did want to be together. The compromises we both make for the lives we both want are worth it and now we both know (remember perhaps) that. He wants the children to have a SAHM, I want to go to uni; I want him to have a work-life balance whereas the career he loves means that it always difficult; he's super, super tidy whereas I'd rather play a game of cards with the kids in a clean, but not super tidy kids than spend the time cleaning until you can eat your dinner off the floor.

The thing is though it took actual time and it pretty much involved us both (he cheated so was 'most' in the wrong) accepting that our old relationship was over. The relationship we have now is very different because we've both changed, both grown up and both moved on a bit from what we were happy to accept and live with before.

There's no point going back to something that's always the same. If it's the same it'll fail or or bring heartache in the same way. If it is to work it takes both people to make it work and both people to want to make it work. Wanting the family is fine, but sometimes the children are far better off when the family doesn't involved Mum and Dad living in the same house.

Thanks I'm very happy it worked out for u. It's good to know that these things are possible.

purpleshoes_2

If you havent been able to give her space what are the chances of you mending things? Im also sure you said in a previous thread that things werent that great between you in the very beginning.

I think you seem to think that all it would take to make your life better is for her to come back to you when it's probably not the case at all.

If she wants space, you need to give her it. Your relationship is over, its the kids that matter and if she does have someone new you need to leave her be to let her get on with the relationship.

Confusedandneedhelp

purpleshoes wrote: »

If you havent been able to give her space what are the chances of you mending things? Im also sure you said in a previous thread that things werent that great between you in the very beginning.

I think you seem to think that all it would take to make your life better is for her to come back to you when it's probably not the case at all.

If she wants space, you need to give her it. Your relationship is over, its the kids that matter and if she does have someone new you need to leave her be to let her get on with the relationship.

I guess that's what this 6 months is for, to work out what would be best for me, and for her to do the same.

I'm leaving her be anyway, but that's my point if she's got someone fair enough, but she insists they're just friends and she's said to me not to long ago (3 weeks I think) about wanting to be a family. It's all very confusing.