please help 16 and pregnant

pmlindyloo

How to find a Brook Centre near you:

http://www.brook.org.uk/index.php/find-a-centre

whodathunkit

pmlindyloo wrote: »

The trouble is we all know the perfect solution to this.

The daughter returns home, has the baby, realises the boyfriend and his dad are unsavoury characters and all ends happily ever after.

Unfortunately life isn't like that particularly where 16 year olds are concerned.

To be honest I suspect the OP has really little say in this. The daughter will have to make her own decisions. The OP cannot force her to do what she wants.

The OP can point out all the negatives to the situation that she likes but the daughter will sadly have to find this out herself and possibly the hard way.

I am wondering if there is a counselling service for young women in this situation. I am thinking the Brook Advisory clinic (do they still exist?)

Perhaps if the daughter herself goes to somewhere like that then a 3rd party might be able to discuss the situation with her.

Sorry, that isn't my idea of the perfect solution. I'm afraid all this emphasis on who lives where is simply serving to waste precious time.

unicorn1984

I feel for you OP. You are clearly worried about your daughter and her unborn child, whereas (from what you have said) the BF and his Father only seem to be focusing on how much money they can potentially squeeze out of this situation.
As a Father-to-be, your daughters BF should be trying to find work to support his young family, trying to convince your daughter to NOT throw her education away like he has, so that she can make a future for herself and her family. He isn't. He has been kicked out of college and his answer to this is to find out what handouts they can get..... he should WANT to earn his own money, so in a few months time he can look at the items for the baby that he has bought with money he has worked for.... and be proud of his achievements.

Your daughter is just very naive and she is in love, her hormones are all over the place and she has this vision of a huge 3-bed home, living with her BF who appears to do no wrong in her eyes. The reality will soon kick in when she realises its not all fun and laughter having a baby!

I wouldn't allow the BF to live in your home either, he clearly has no respect for you, and it would disrupt your life and that of the rest of your family. Why should you and your family suffer as a result of this?
You can still support your daughter and her child, by being there for her, always letting her know she is welcome to come home at any time, offer to look at homes for her, buy her little things for the baby etc. Try to be supportive, if (or most likely WHEN) this all goes tits up (again, my opinion is based on what OP has told us, of course the BF may well buck his ideas up and support his family but assuming he doesn't) then she knows she can come home and have the support of her loving family.

You need to play the supportive one in this, don't try and bribe her to come home, don't rubbish her BF (trust me, when I was 16 my loser BF was my world, the more my Mum pointed out his flaws the more determined I was to be with him, in the end she gave the relationship her "blessing" and I soon lost interest in him after that.....) . If it turns sour living with her BF and Dad then she needs to know she can come home without a huge deal being made.

My guess is that a couple of weeks of living in a crummy 1 bed flat with 2 men will soon have her running back to the comforts of home.

Hope it all works out, I can't imagine how worried you must be through all this. xx

RAS

RAS wrote: »

Only if she is in full-time education or an approved scheme. So she could sign on for one of the 20 week young people's schemes at the Job centre to meet the requirement.

You get an allowance for your son (think this is 12% of gross salary) and then the person with whom the child lives gets 12% of the 88% left over.

OP - do makes sure your ex knows that the BF or BF's dad can also claim CMS from him (i.e - both of you) if DD is in education or on an approved course.

NYM

unicorn1984 wrote: »

I feel for you OP. You are clearly worried about your daughter and her unborn child, whereas (from what you have said) the BF and his Father only seem to be focusing on how much money they can potentially squeeze out of this situation.
As a Father-to-be, your daughters BF should be trying to find work to support his young family, trying to convince your daughter to NOT throw her education away like he has, so that she can make a future for herself and her family. He isn't. He has been kicked out of college and his answer to this is to find out what handouts they can get..... he should WANT to earn his own money, so in a few months time he can look at the items for the baby that he has bought with money he has worked for.... and be proud of his achievements.

Your daughter is just very naive and she is in love, her hormones are all over the place and she has this vision of a huge 3-bed home, living with her BF who appears to do no wrong in her eyes. The reality will soon kick in when she realises its not all fun and laughter having a baby!

I wouldn't allow the BF to live in your home either, he clearly has no respect for you, and it would disrupt your life and that of the rest of your family. Why should you and your family suffer as a result of this?
You can still support your daughter and her child, by being there for her, always letting her know she is welcome to come home at any time, offer to look at homes for her, buy her little things for the baby etc. Try to be supportive, if (or most likely WHEN) this all goes tits up (again, my opinion is based on what OP has told us, of course the BF may well buck his ideas up and support his family but assuming he doesn't) then she knows she can come home and have the support of her loving family.

You need to play the supportive one in this, don't try and bribe her to come home, don't rubbish her BF (trust me, when I was 16 my loser BF was my world, the more my Mum pointed out his flaws the more determined I was to be with him, in the end she gave the relationship her "blessing" and I soon lost interest in him after that.....) . If it turns sour living with her BF and Dad then she needs to know she can come home without a huge deal being made.

My guess is that a couple of weeks of living in a crummy 1 bed flat with 2 men will soon have her running back to the comforts of home.

Hope it all works out, I can't imagine how worried you must be through all this. xx

You've saved me the trouble of writing out exactly what you've written

unicorn1984

NYM wrote: »

You've saved me the trouble of writing out exactly what you've written

Well, it beats working ha ha

(Typing away, my Boss thinks I am swamped ha ha)

thorsoak

Have you spoken to your local Social Services team? I don't know exactly how old your daughter - is she just 16, or nearly 17 - but she may come under the umbrella term "vulnerable" - and the fact that the house that she proposes living in has been raided for drugs leads to concerns for her well-being, and the well-being of the baby.

Talking to Social Services might not bring the result that you want, but it might clarify your daughter's situation for her.

unicorn1984

thorsoak wrote: »

Have you spoken to your local Social Services team? I don't know exactly how old your daughter - is she just 16, or nearly 17 - but she may come under the umbrella term "vulnerable" - and the fact that the house that she proposes living in has been raided for drugs leads to concerns for her well-being, and the well-being of the baby.

Talking to Social Services might not bring the result that you want, but it might clarify your daughter's situation for her.

Oh god yeah I didn't even remember this part...... really doesn't sound like a suitable place for ANYONE to be living, let alone a baby. Were any drugs found/was anyone arrested? x

NYM

unicorn1984 wrote: »

Well, it beats working ha ha

(Typing away, my Boss thinks I am swamped ha ha)

I'm supposed to be working, but my Boss is...me !:D

unicorn1984

NYM wrote: »

I'm supposed to be working, but my Boss is...me !:D

Ohhh not fair! Ha ha. My Boss sits the other side of my office, so he cant see my screen MWA HA HA. He currently thinks I am working on lunch..... fool!