D-i-L cutting us off, no reason, how to respond?

Seanymph

I think probably my MIL could have written this when I had littlies - in fact, to my shame, I refused to see her, or allow her to see my children, for about a year and a half. She missed my eldests baby years completely.

Her 'sin' was that she arranged with her son to visit with his sister when my youngest was just born, and he organised it for when he wasn't there.

So I, a few days post birth, ended up 'entertaining' these people I knew nothing about.

I took my baby off to feed and change it and was chatting to her on the floor and they had crept up to the door and were spying on me and laughed at me.

I remember it very well. Getting organised and going back to the living room to be polite to them for the next two hours until he returned from work is one of the hardest things I've done in my life.

I cut them out of my life for it.

Actually, it was HIS fault - he should never have agreed for them to visit without consulting me, or organised it for when he wasn't there - he knew I didn't really know them, and I was vulnerable with a baby - but he was an unthinking male !!!!.

After time (and when they fed themselves) he took the kids to visit, and in time I visited her with them and she ended up living with me for nearly three years. I am now closer to his mum than he is - he moved to Canada, and she helped me raise the children after we'd split.

Even now I talk to her probably weekly, he talks to her every few months!

So it's turned out completely differently to how I'd have thought - and obviously she never understood why I cut her out - but with hindsight it was HIM who made the error, not her - she was just desperate to see as much of her first grandchild as possible - and didn't understand the gulf that I saw between us as we had no relationship or how rude her son had been.

For her that I'd borne her grandchild made us 'family' - and gave her the right to walk up to my bedroom.

For me it didn't - she had to access that child through her relationship with me, and we didn't have one.

She didn't work on that - and it took many years to build.

So, I guess my waffling is about backing up others - your son has probably sidelined her in agreeing things with you without consulting her - or not writing his own cards - or skyping himself with the kids.

And as she doesn't know you well she doesn't see how all this should fall to her.

That's how I felt anyway.

FBaby

If the DIL has an issue with how her husband arrange the visits, does it justify going from warm to unfriendly towards OP. It sounds like OP is quite a pleasant MIL, even staying at a hotel so not to make too much demand on them, despite the cost of the trip.

Also, if DIL had an issue with the visit, when is she going to get over it and more importantly, why isn't their son reassuring his parents that they have done nothing wrong?

My gut feeling is that OP did say something that wasn't intended to upset DIL in any way, but somehow hit a cord on the other side.

Seanymph

Oh almost certainly - it was the laughing at me talking to my baby that struck the damage - if they hadn't done that I'd have weathered the visit and been 'polite'.

But even so, my ex is responsible for them being in the house at all - and I didn't see their side of it.

I was youngish, not very worldly or forgiving, I'd just had a baby so I expected everyone to be orbiting my particular sun at the time.

It's a time when you need people to be gentle, and you dont' really have the reserves to cut anyone else much slack.

good_advice

Families. You can chose your friends but not your family.
There is nothing you have done wrong, it is just their attitude.

Just carry on with your own life. Hear news on the grapevine.
It is the same here with one of my daughters and she lives in the same town as us. Will not speak to us at all.

victory

Maybe although it is obviously coming across that the DIL is unsociable, unfriendly, rude, ungrateful for the gifts and hurtful towards you, maybe it could be that your son and you do not have such a great relationship and he is harbouring some unspoken resentment about his upbringing, has told his wife all about it and she is 'protecting him' looking at you with anger at what supposedly you could have said or done to her husband years and years gone by?

skintchick

usignuolo wrote: »

Our son has lived with his Canadian wife in New York for the last 3 years. They have two children, a 2 year old daughter and a 4 month son. When their daughter was little we visited them a couple of times, and they came over to see us and everything went very well. My d-i-l asked my advice (I have been careful never to offer any advice, unsolicited) about feeding the little girl and I reorganised the bedroom for them as she was keen on attachment parenting. Everything went well and we all got on very well.

So we were delighted when they announced last year they were expecting a second child. We went over to see them last autumn, while she was pregnant, and she was really horrible to us, out of the blue. She scarcely spoke to us and when she did she was very off hand. (I wondered if it was hormonal but she said the pregnancy was going well and our son confirmed this). Our son took time off work to be with us and really we did not do anything to upset her, but she was just generally horrid. (One night when we were invited round there to dinner, she refused to feed us and our son had to go out and buy us some soup.)

Is it possible that she didn;t want you to visit when she was pregnant? I am 34 weeks pregnant and can;t cope with visitors at all - not even a few hours - so to have had in-laws around, even in a hotel, expecting to visit lots and be entertained would have made me very cross and unwelcoming.

On the dinner, do you think that perhaps she had told your son that if he wanted you to visit at a time when she was tired, and physically uncomfortable, he would have to cook for you himself, and that he didn;t do that because he thought he could force her into doing it, and she stood her ground so he ended up shamefacedly having to go get something for you?

My husband asked our son if we had inadvertently said or done something to upset her and he said no everything was fine, which it clearly wasn't. Again at no stage did I offer any advice on child rearing or criticise anything they were doing. There did not seem to be a problem between them it just seemed to be us she resented being there.

Well, he probably wouldn;t tell you if the above scenario was what happened.

When we got home, my OH said he would like to stay in touch with the progress of his grand daughter on whom he dotes, and suggested I get in touch to ask if we could skype for time to time at weekends. She emailed back to say they would be too busy. I also sent some things for the children but got no acknowledgement of this. Indeed after saying they could not skype she has never contacted me since, although our son keeps in touch.

Why should your dil be the one to keep in touch with you? I don;t phone my in-laws - I have little in common with them, find them very hard to talk to, and expect my husband to do the keeping in touch with them, as I do with my parents. Do you expect your son to phone his wife's parents for chats?

The birth was very easy, she put a photo on facebook saying so and that their son was born in record time and indeed he is gorgeous but I have never seen him. I emailed them both to say I should like to go out for a flying visit when he was born, with my sister, (when we go there we never stay with them but stay in a hotel nearby). She did not reply but my son did and explained that all her various family members would be visiting in turn and it would be best to wait for a few months.

your son replied, as he should. There's nothing wrong here. Like I said, most women would expect their OH to keep in touch with his own parents, and she with hers.

Since then I have sent various presents and items of clothing, not just for the babies but included a little gift for her too, and never received a word of acknowledgement or thanks. I also sent a couple of cheerful non committal emails but again she did not reply. My son is close to his father and asked him whether they have had any problems or whether we might have anything to upset her during our visit (given that the rest of the time we live in London and they live in New York.) He said nothing, we have not done anything, she is just very busy with two children. Yet she regularly posts on her facebook.

Why can;t your son write thank you notes? Perhaps your dil feels he should write back to you as you are his parents, and she will respond to her family. Posting on FB takes seconds, communicating with people with whom you feel you don;t have much of a relationship is more taxing, plus she probably feels your son wshould write some thank you letters.

It is very hurtful to us both and we are at a loss what to do. Any suggestions?

Through all this, it's clear to me and other posters that actually, you are expecting far too much from the relationship with your dil, and not enough from your son.

As another poster has said, just because she gave birth to your grandchildren doesn;t automatically create a relationship there, and you might need to work on it or accept that she doesn;t really want a close relationship with you.

These days, it's not the case that dils become their mil's best mate and hang out with her, because life is different these days. I think you need to focus on your son and expect calls, cards, etc to come from him.

Errata

My son is close to his father

But not close enough for them to have an honest, open upfront conversation. Shame.

usignuolo

First of all, I have never had an argument with my d-i-l or criticised her. Apart from anything else I see so little of my son and his family that I make great efforts to be friendly and welcoming when I see them.

My son and I have a good relationship but he has always been a very reserved person. His nickname in our family is "His Extreme Privateness" for this reason. I am pretty outgoing and so is his father. For several years I was the main wage earner in our family and my husband worked from home and did most of the child rearing which is why they are close. But in typical British male fashion they are both pretty stiff upper lipped when it comes to discussing emotional things.

And my son would I know never ever admit there was anything wrong with his marriage, although my sister has commented that he gives way too much to my d-i-lin her opinion. My d-il is very high maintenance (as I said before she is a professional performer although at present her career is on hold until the children get to school age).

I take all the points about my son needing to do more, but it does seem a shame that I cannot have a better relationship with my d-i-l. I would ask all the posters here who say it is up to the son to keep in touch with his mother, to reach out and make an effort to contact their mother-in-law occasionally. I am sure she would appreciate it.

Ronaldo_Mconaldo

Why don't you just ask your son instead of asking us? Just ask him straight out why him and his wife are acting like a-holes.

Errata

Tell your OH and DS to unclench their stiff upper lips and talk, and clearly your relationshiop with your son isn't as remotely good as you seem to think it is.