D-i-L cutting us off, no reason, how to respond?

Mojisola

I hope you can resolve the problem and the relationship improves but sometimes it's just a case of "there's nowt as queer as folk".

One friend has a DIL who refuses to allow the grandparents to have any photos of the grandchildren - they get on well and see each other regularly and she will show them photos of the children but has made it clear that she doesn't want them to have photos themselves but won't explain why.

Another has hardly seen one grandchild - the DIL took offence some years ago over something another family member did and thought the grandparents took their side. Their son is stuck in the middle and they have had to back off to take the pressure off him.

CH27

Have you tried asking your son again when you can go & visit to meet new baby?

BigAunty

In my opinion, people are deluded when they think they couldn't have offended someone.

There are two reasons for this. The first is that people lack insight into how their opinions and behaviour upset others, they simply are not aware that they've said something unacceptable or that they've performed an action that's offensive. The second is that it cannot be predicted how the person experiencing the opinions or behaviour will (over) react or misinterpret virtually anything that has been said and done - there is scope for huge misunderstandings and negative reactions to quite innocent actions.

My mother, for example, is a hard-working, polite lady with good social skills who has always shown goodwill and friendliness to my partners. Unfortunately, she is ill-educated and therefore prone to Daily Mail type opinions (prejudices) that are presented as common sense or fact.

I have therefore always pre-warned my partners not to worry if my mother momentarily lurches into racism, eugenics, homophobia and dubious social opinions. Sure enough, she's come out with some crackers in their presence before returning to more pleasant subjects and I doubt she has any idea how shocking and unpalatable her opinions are on some topics. It's the same with my MIL who has unshakeable social issue obsessions that I was also forewarned about. So my partner and I have to navigate our way around very strongly held 'common sense' whenever we visit our parents. Both, we find, are very nosey, and it's only our tolerance that manages to turn it into humourous acceptance. They aren't aware how they come across and I daresay, we manage to unwittingly offend them, too.

picklekin

I wouldn't dream of calling my MIL unless there was something wrong with my OH, they are HIS parents not mine. Whilst I accept I have to be nice to them as we are now "family" they are not who I married! If they sent us a gift, I would expect my OH to call and thank them. The weirdest thing is that you expected your PREGNANT DIL to do the cooking, and then think SHE'S rude!

These are a few points picked up on in a post from your point of view, I wonder if there are other things you have done that seem fine to you, but are outrageous to others and your DIL. As to what to do now, back off and speak only to your son, try and arrange to visit when he can be their and entertain you, she might come around if you give her some space.

Morglin

picklekin wrote: »

I wouldn't dream of calling my MIL unless there was something wrong with my OH, they are HIS parents not mine. Whilst I accept I have to be nice to them as we are now "family" they are not who I married! If they sent us a gift, I would expect my OH to call and thank them. The weirdest thing is that you expected your PREGNANT DIL to do the cooking, and then think SHE'S rude!

These are a few points picked up on in a post from your point of view, I wonder if there are other things you have done that seem fine to you, but are outrageous to others and your DIL. As to what to do now, back off and speak only to your son, try and arrange to visit when he can be their and entertain you, she might come around if you give her some space.

When did the perfectly natural state of pregnancy stop women cooking?:eek:

I know now I am getting old......:rotfl:

Lin

tea_lover

I think I've called OH's mum once in the last decade - when she had a car accident and he was working abroad. I get on great with her, and often gently remind OH to call her, but it wouldn't occur to me to call her myself.

Morglin

usignuolo wrote: »

Our son has lived with his Canadian wife in New York for the last 3 years. They have two children, a 2 year old daughter and a 4 month son. When their daughter was little we visited them a couple of times, and they came over to see us and everything went very well. My d-i-l asked my advice (I have been careful never to offer any advice, unsolicited) about feeding the little girl and I reorganised the bedroom for them as she was keen on attachment parenting. Everything went well and we all got on very well.

So we were delighted when they announced last year they were expecting a second child. We went over to see them last autumn, while she was pregnant, and she was really horrible to us, out of the blue. She scarcely spoke to us and when she did she was very off hand. (I wondered if it was hormonal but she said the pregnancy was going well and our son confirmed this). Our son took time off work to be with us and really we did not do anything to upset her, but she was just generally horrid. (One night when we were invited round there to dinner, she refused to feed us and our son had to go out and buy us some soup.)

My husband asked our son if we had inadvertently said or done something to upset her and he said no everything was fine, which it clearly wasn't. Again at no stage did I offer any advice on child rearing or criticise anything they were doing. There did not seem to be a problem between them it just seemed to be us she resented being there.

When we got home, my OH said he would like to stay in touch with the progress of his grand daughter on whom he dotes, and suggested I get in touch to ask if we could skype for time to time at weekends. She emailed back to say they would be too busy. I also sent some things for the children but got no acknowledgement of this. Indeed after saying they could not skype she has never contacted me since, although our son keeps in touch.

The birth was very easy, she put a photo on facebook saying so and that their son was born in record time and indeed he is gorgeous but I have never seen him. I emailed them both to say I should like to go out for a flying visit when he was born, with my sister, (when we go there we never stay with them but stay in a hotel nearby). She did not reply but my son did and explained that all her various family members would be visiting in turn and it would be best to wait for a few months.

Since then I have sent various presents and items of clothing, not just for the babies but included a little gift for her too, and never received a word of acknowledgement or thanks. I also sent a couple of cheerful non committal emails but again she did not reply. My son is close to his father and asked him whether they have had any problems or whether we might have anything to upset her during our visit (given that the rest of the time we live in London and they live in New York.) He said nothing, we have not done anything, she is just very busy with two children. Yet she regularly posts on her facebook.

It is very hurtful to us both and we are at a loss what to do. Any suggestions?

Could it be just a difference of styles?

My son married an American girl, a widow with a teenage son, from Chicago, about 3 years ago. He now lives there.:beer:

I love my DIL to bits, we have a great relationship, as I do with my new grandson, but we have occasionally struggled with two cultures lol

She is typical American full on and very intense. Everything is a drama, and run before a therapist (sigh lol):eek: Nothing can ever just be sorted without a full scale drama lol

I am typically English - a lot a raised eyebrows, a sense of humour, stiff upper lip, and just get on with it.:beer:

She (because of their health care) has a doctor for everything, and apparently has allergies against everything, (except apparently, my Pinot Grigio, when they visit) lol

She doesn't appear to actually be allergic to anything, she's just been told that she should take precautions anyway .....

I remarked casually, last time, that I was born before all these allergies were invented, and that the NHS didn't allow for all this crap anyway, and upset her without trying to......which I soon sorted out

She is getting used to our English ways, as we are getting used to her American ways....but it is taking time, because they take life soooo seriously.

I am disabled, which fluctuates a bit, but when we go out, to pubs, I either find a seat, or we quietly go somewhere else.

She, being used to American ways, feels the urge to announce (loudly) that a handicapped person has arrived (oh gawd lol) and could a seat be found.......:eek::eek:

Perhaps a discussion with DIL about trans-Atlantic differences might help?

I hate Skype video as well.

Lin

lostinrates

BigAunty wrote: »

In my opinion, people are deluded when they think they couldn't have offended someone.

There are two reasons for this. The first is that people lack insight into how their opinions and behaviour upset others, they simply are not aware that they've said something unacceptable or that they've performed an action that's offensive. The second is that it cannot be predicted how the person experiencing the opinions or behaviour will (over) react or misinterpret virtually anything that has been said and done - there is scope for huge misunderstandings and negative reactions to quite innocent actions.

.

This, exactly. We can all cause offence, even when meaning only the best.


In this case OP has been shown several ways on which different people might be interpreting the situation in her sil's position, yet seems unbending in her position that ( despite her lack of critism) its the sil's fault....( son gives way to much according to aunt, dil is a 'performer' , from which I suspect we might be expected to deduce highly strung? Etc etc) other people are criticising, but not OP......yet..the feel is .....if not critical some what circumspect.

As for daughter in laws reaching out to their mils, mine is dead, and has been since before I came on the scene, I have a smil who has been simply frightfully behaved in a passive aggressive manner and a fil. I actually respect them both, but they are not good in laws and I feel fil has let my DH down tremendously.

I feel the important relationship is between my husband and his family and far from obstructing it as people in our crossover social circle report I am accused of , they don't seem to understand, that DH was ready to walk away for years and it was my constant ' don't be silly, you love them, just phone and grit your teeth ' every couple of weeks that kept the contact up.

Incidentally, the further fil pushed this line With DH the less hard it would have been for me to convince DH HAD I wanted DH to severe ties irrevocably. I don't one of the things I love about him is his love for these people. But, I cannot honestly see the day DH welcomes his smil into our home, and if I get the blame for that, I'm not crying. I'd like his father to come here, see what his son is making, but....I'm happy to stay with a friend that day. Its been a worthwhile effort I think making things better with some in laws. My sil and I have grown closer in the last couple of years, which i think shows effort on both our parts.

picklekin

Morglin wrote: »

When did the perfectly natural state of pregnancy stop women cooking?:eek:

I know now I am getting old......:rotfl:

Lin

Heh, I didn't mean that, I just thought it seemed odd that she was the one they expected to do the work, when her son could have done it. but you knew that

TBagpuss

I agree with PPs that your DiL may well feel that maintaining the relationship with you is your son's responsibility, not yours.

You've mentioned that she is a professional singer and that her career is on hold because of the children. It may well be that she is finding this difficult and that she is 'pushing back' against things which involve being "just" a wife and mother.

I do agree that the not feeding you reads to me like a row between her and your son, with her effectively saying "they're your parents, *you* do the extra work involved in their visit" If she was feeling frustrated or regreful about the limitation on her life and career resulting from pregnancy and child care then it may that grandparents who are (inevitable) focussed on their grandchildren were not the most congenial company.

I think I would try a combination of things.

1. Speak to your son (or get your husband to do so) ask him what is wrong. Explain that you it feels to you that things are not right, that you have been barred from visiting your grandchildren, that you are hurt that he (not your DIL, him) has not been willing to Skype / keep in touch about the children etc, and that you would like to work with him and his wife to improve things. If he sticks to the 'her family first, not a god time' then ask him what her family do differently on visits, make it clear you are happy to change to accommodate what he and your DIL would prefer.

2. Keep in touch with them as a family. Send noce, chatty letters. Address them to both of them, don't expect / demand responses from both, absolutely DO NOT say anything which is critical of them, or which comments adversely about them or ther choices, simply keep them updated, so you are keeping the door open, making it clear that there is no angst from your side, and treating them as a unit, not excluding your DiL. If your son responds, then treat it as a response from them both, if he thanks you for gifts, recognise that he is thanking you on beahlf od his family, etc.

3. Consider whether you have done something, however unwitingly, to offend or upset your DIL. Consider contacing her directly, to ask whether this is so and to apologise if it is.

Something alog the lines of "I'm writing as we seem to dropped away from what I/We though was a lovely relationship with you persoanlly, and with you and Son as a family. WE are wondering whether we did or said anything to cause you to feel you wanted to pull back from a relationship with you,. We've tried to think whether we did something of that kind and have not been able to think of something, but if there is a problem we would very grateful if you could let us know what it was, so that we can try to make things right. We very much value our relationship with you and with our grandchildren and hope that you will be willing to work with us to improve those relationships.
We would like to assure you that it was never our intention to upset you in any way"

I think you can aslo ask your son directly about when he feels it will be OK for you to visit to see them, and your grandchildren.