D-i-L cutting us off, no reason, how to respond?

Worry_Wart

My OH's family are his responsibility and my family are mine. I don't send them cards, buy them presents, or call them. He will put my name on the gifts, but I have no input. Ditto regarding his input to my family. I agree with the others - I think you are expecting too much just because your DiL is female. Let her get on with her life and take your communication problems up with your son.

Morglin

Just try and have a private chat with DIL, with no dramas, by phone or visit, and find out what the problems are.


If needs be, go to NY, stay in a hotel, and visit them - no big saga, do other things,but just pay them a visit.

Lin

Worry_Wart

I'd like to add there are no problems within any of the families - we all get on fine. It's just a question of responsibilities, and his family upkeep is not mine.

Person_one

Morglin wrote: »

I remarked casually, last time, that I was born before all these allergies were invented, and that the NHS didn't allow for all this crap anyway, and upset her without trying to......which I soon sorted out

Um, are you sure you weren't trying to offend? That sounds like a pretty good impression of it if you weren't! :rotfl:

FBaby

Totally agree with BigAunty. It's not just about the things we say to other people, but our opinions and values that can offend others.

Saying that, it doesn't totally explained, even less justify, why she went from being nice and pleasant to you to plain rude. I agree that in theory, she doesn't owe you a relationship, but she does owe to explain her behaviour if it goes from one extreme to the other.

However, agree with most posters, the only way you are going to clear the air is by confronting your son and not let him change the subject or make it that it is all in your mind.

pollypenny

Oh, this would break my heart!

My son is married to an American and lives in New Jersey. When each of the boys was born her mum visited first, but we went a month later. We have also stayed long term to look after each baby when she went back to work.

It's like walking on eggs sometimes, but it's worth it. We do FaceTime at least once a week, usually seeing the boys with DS, as we want to see our boy, too.

Sounds like she, OP's DIL, is rude. Your son must sort it out.

belfastgirl23

Sounds like a horrible situation OP.

I agree with the others, that it's possible that some of the things you have done have inadvertently caused offence, or that this is about a disagreement between your son and DIL and you have accidentally become a focus of discontent. I also agree that the expectation that she would cook may well be an issue, especially if he did not consult her but rather told her it was happening.

I would suggest thinking a bit about what Morgain says. And getting in touch framing it that you are really concerned that you have done something that has upset her, apologising if you have and pointing out that you're worried that something you've done unthinkingly has really crossed a line but that it was completely unintentional. You could also acknowledge that you both have big personalities and that some of the things you've said or done might not translate across different cultures. This gives you both a safe way out, it's not anyone's fault, it's a lost in translation issue.

You also need to say that you love and respect her and would hate to think you've upset her in any way. I'd also add that you really admire her, that coping with two children under x is a big task and she is doing a fantastic job, and if you could ever do anything to help out, she only needs to say. And then let things sit for a while and see if there's any response.

Bear in mind that marriages do come under strain, especially with young children involved, and one day you might just be negotiating with her for access to your grandchildren! Or your son might be negotiating with her on your behalf from the position of an estranged dad. On this basis, I'd also take any chance at all to build bridges with any of her family, again you may need them to intercede on your behalf at some point.

BTW are you certain your son consulted her before you arranged your last visit? Or listened to her if she said that she didn't want it to happen? Did he prioritise your wishes over hers - I know you have no control over this but this is a hard thing for a DIL to deal with, especially when pregnant.

As a PS I think you need to do some really conscious reframing. It is clear you think she is being unreasonable and I understand why. The unfortunate thing is that if you think one thing but try to act as if you think something different, you need to be very skilled to carry it off. If you are a big personality as you say, I suspect you won't manage it. So I think you need to really consciously start cutting your DIL some slack in your mind, remind yourself of what it was like to have small kids, think about how it would be to marry your privacy obsessed son who is not good at sharing emotions, especially if she is from a more dramatic background. Think about how she has turned her life upside down to look after your grandchildren, many women don't. Think about the strain of attachment parenting - she is clearly trying to do something for her children that takes a huge parental resource. Think then of having even very well meaning people arriving in who you don't know at all. I'm not saying she behaved well but I do understand why she behaved as she did.

meritaten

excuse me for being dense - but everyone is saying 'ask son what is going on'. shouldn't OP be asking DIL? a person to person call on the telephone and a straight question. 'DIL, have I somehow upset you'? and see what she says. what use is it !!!!!footing around asking her son when clearly he either doesn't have a clue or doesn't want to say?

Brighton_belle

meritaten wrote: »

excuse me for being dense - but everyone is saying 'ask son what is going on'. shouldn't OP be asking DIL? a person to person call on the telephone and a straight question. 'DIL, have I somehow upset you'? and see what she says. what use is it !!!!!footing around asking her son when clearly he either doesn't have a clue or doesn't want to say?

I think that would be a disaster in the making - phoning and catching her completely off guard: there is a great risk she will feel hounded and attacked.
I personally am totally not a phone person and would hate any confrontational phone call.

Seanymph

If my MIL had confronted me about my not having any contact for her it would have lasted a lot longer than 2 years!