D-i-L cutting us off, no reason, how to respond?

geerex

poet123 wrote: »

I think that is quite harsh and hurtful. You are making assumptions you have no way of knowing are true.

There are many points of view with assumptions on this thread. Mine is no different.

I know what it's like to be so different from your parents that what they see as friendly jibes ("his extreme privateness") actually seem like spiteful, hurtful attacks on the very essence of your being. Being private/introverted is just the way some people are, and it's like being released from a prison when you finally get away from your tormentors after years of hell.

I stand by my comments.

lostinrates

OP, you say you haven't criticised her, but you have discussed the situation 'disagreeing with her choices' with her own mother!

Its possible indeed that has got back to your dil.

Your attitude on both threads reads critical ( and understandably hurt) and I'd be impressed if you really don't let that show.

Fwiw, one of my sibling in laws also has a child about the same age as the eldest and they are parenting in a very similar manner. Lots seem to here to, but it seems suffocating to me. But ITS THEIR CHILD and their choice, and my opinion would never be offered nor would I expect it to be wanted. There is no doubt the little thing is bright as a button when she chats on Skype to DH, the time put in Does seem to be showing. But even if it were not its not my business, their parent's business or anyone else's. If the child is healthy, cared for and loved if the mother says ten minutes of tv, or , we all bay at the moon on the fifth of the month or whatever, its their choice as parents.

BigAunty

Person_one wrote: »

People can usually tell when you are disapproving/disappointed/unimpressed with them even if you think you aren't giving away your feelings.

Good point. My mother has a specific expression she uses when she disapproves of something but knows that voicing it will be a bad idea. It's very evident that she's dying to intervene but has self censured...

heyboo

I remembered this due to my own on-going problems with my MIL.


She too would describe herself as 'lovely'. She'd probably describe me as highly strung.


However, since DH and I got married she has revealed her disapproval at me more and more (and I won't go into this as it's not my thread - but there have been letters, texts, storming out - all by her!) but even without those - the disapproving looks; the raised eyebrows; the 'oh I see' when I've dared to express a sentiment that doesn't match her superior views on child rearing really chipped away at me.


We were always quite close but when she stormed out of my house because I'd asked her to stop letting herself whenever she pleased and I got the snotty follow up text, I just stopped contacting her. I've been as pleasant on family occasions but nothing more. She lives a few streets away and yet I barely see her and she doesn't bother with DS either.


I let DH deal with her and it's made my life a lot easier.


Your DIL does sound like hard work but if you disapprove of how she's raising her children then she will know about it, no matter how well you mask it.

jjj1980

Lostinrates - you sound just like my mum!!!

I always know she is there for me and my daughter. She has always made it clear that she will stand by my decisions where my daughter is concerned, regardless of whether she would have done things differently. She has never criticised, judged, questioned or made me feel like she knew better. This has meant we as a threesome are unfalteringly close and I trust her with my daughter.

My ex-MIL on the other hand had her contact stopped by the time my daughter was 5 months due to her non-stop demands, criticisms, judgements which started as soon as she found out I was pregnant!! Anything from ordering me to have small glasses of alcohol "to be polite and make my son feel more relaxed when he has a drink", telling me that my daughter's first foreign holiday was to be with them without me, that they expected the right to tell me to change any plans/appointments to suit them, that they should get final say on name, type of delivery, room decoration, choice of nursery/school and on and on.

It was horrendous and I breathed a huge sigh of relief when even their own solicitor told them he agreed with a blanket ban on contact.

Grandparents have, by definition, had their time of raising babies and children and need to step back and allow their grown children to parent in their own way, respecting and abiding by any rules. The only time this should change is if the youngster is at actual, genuine, risk.

sulphate

jjj1980 wrote: »

Lostinrates - you sound just like my mum!!!

I always know she is there for me and my daughter. She has always made it clear that she will stand by my decisions where my daughter is concerned, regardless of whether she would have done things differently. She has never criticised, judged, questioned or made me feel like she knew better. This has meant we as a threesome are unfalteringly close and I trust her with my daughter.

My ex-MIL on the other hand had her contact stopped by the time my daughter was 5 months due to her non-stop demands, criticisms, judgements which started as soon as she found out I was pregnant!! Anything from ordering me to have small glasses of alcohol "to be polite and make my son feel more relaxed when he has a drink", telling me that my daughter's first foreign holiday was to be with them without me, that they expected the right to tell me to change any plans/appointments to suit them, that they should get final say on name, type of delivery, room decoration, choice of nursery/school and on and on.

It was horrendous and I breathed a huge sigh of relief when even their own solicitor told them he agreed with a blanket ban on contact.

Grandparents have, by definition, had their time of raising babies and children and need to step back and allow their grown children to parent in their own way, respecting and abiding by any rules. The only time this should change is if the youngster is at actual, genuine, risk.

Well said.

Here's what I think:

- As others have said, why is up to pregnant DIL - when your son was off work - to feed you? Sounds to me that DIL found out last minute from her husband that you were coming for dinner, so hadn't prepared anything, and told him to sort it out.
- Why aren't you emailing/contacting your son not your DIL? I rarely contact my MIL, I might send her the odd text, but generally all communication goes through my husband. That doesn't mean that I am "ignoring" my MIL.
- Again, I don't understand why you say "your son keeps in touch" but then you expect DIL to keep in touch separately.
- Honestly, with 2 young children, I am not surprised that your DIL wants her OWN family around her first before agreeing to a visit from her in laws.
- As said before, it is up to your son to thank you for the gifts, not your DIL.

You seem to be putting the onus on your DIL here when really it's your son you should be communicating mostly with. From your two threads your DIL doesn't sound too reasonable, but you sound quite overbearing. Perhaps there are faults on both sides.

Marshmallow82

The answer is in your previous thread. You believe grandparents should play a role in raising the children, they don't.

You have clashed over cots, breastfeeding and baby names. You have discussed these things with her mother who sided with you, potentially causing problem with DIL and her mother.

Son has told you to back off.

It's a shame but it just comes down to difference of opinion over the grandparenting thing. You need to just not give any opinions on parenting issues. Perhaps even stop sending pressies just now.

sulphate

Marshmallow82 wrote: »

The answer is in your previous thread. You believe grandparents should play a role in raising the children, they don't.

Especially not if they live in America and you live in the UK! I hate to state the obvious here, but you need to be realistic about the "role" you think you will have as a grandparent when you only see them 1-2 times a year.

I missed the part about the baby names, I am very newly pregnant and I'm sorry to say that if anyone other than my husband suggested a baby name to me I would politely tell them where to shove it.

Edit, to quote from the previous thread:

usignuolo wrote: »

I also think couples should try and keep a bit of their adult life and relationship going. It is hard for my dil as she has no mother or mother in law to baby sit either and will not trust my granddaughter to anyone else. I have never ever made any suggestions to her about her parenting skills. And even my son says she is highly strung.

I find your choice of wording here interesting, that even when you are referencing your DIL, in the same sentence you use the wording "my granddaughter" instead of "her daughter". Maybe it's just a coincidence though.

Soleil_lune

geerex wrote: »

So... your son moves thousands of miles away, never tells you anything, and now his wife acts funny.

Here's what I think - he moved away to get away from you because you reduced him to "his privateness" and made him feel different to you and alienated. His wife, over time, comes to realise how overbearing you both are, and, unlike the son, doesn't need to put up with it, so doesn't.

I think you really need to look inwards.

Wow! Harsh. Judgemental. Mean. I could go on.

And all this investigative journalism, detective work, rifling through old threads to find something that someone may have said almost a year ago to try to use against someone???

All I can say is people SERIOUSLY need to get out more. I would NEVER have been arsed to do this OR had the time. I think people are full of glee when they 'out' people. Makes them feel like a special snowflake.

OP, talk to your son. I do see fault on both sides here, but this DIL of yours sounds like a bit of a control freak and drama queen.

I do feel sorry for you. There are obviously ongoing issues, and with your son and DIL being so far away, it must be so hard. I do not envy you. This woman sounds like she wears the trousers, and if you're not careful, she will drive a permanent and unfixable rift between you and your son. She sounds rather unpleasant to me actually.

Soleil_lune

sulphate wrote: »

I missed the part about the baby names, I am very newly pregnant and I'm sorry to say that if anyone other than my husband suggested a baby name to me I would politely tell them where to shove it.

Edit, to quote from the previous thread:

I find your choice of wording here interesting, that even when you are referencing your DIL, in the same sentence you use the wording "my granddaughter" instead of "her daughter". Maybe it's just a coincidence though.

Are you kidding? She called her son and daughter-in-law's baby her grand-daughter? So what? So would anyone and everyone else! People are really fishing for criticism and insults and put-downs here. Dear God!

And if my MIL suggested a name for a new baby, I may not use it or like it, but would I say 'shove it!?' No. Good grief. If the OP's DIL is anything like you and a few others on here, then she has definitely got a battle on her hands!