D-i-L cutting us off, no reason, how to respond?

Horseunderwater

But at least you are talking again. My fathers family were the experts at feuding, all took sides, mostly the elder brothers & they hardly ever spoke for years & years. They were speaking a bit by time Dad passed away suddenly. But I don't even know if the elder brother is now deceased, nor do I care. He was a misery causer.
To OP: Is it possible that she overheard you talking about her way back, without you realising? It can happen. She may have only heard a part, so has taken it wrong way? If it were me I would just ask her what I'd done or said that had caused this. I would want the air cleared & hopefully we could go on from there. Even if it isn't that, I'd still want to get it cleared up with her. But then I am the type that does not !!!!!foot around these days, as I had too many examples from the feuding family when I grew up.

seven-day-weekend

jaylee3 wrote: »

Awww.

Maybe she is alone so much that things from the past that many people would have forgotten about, are bugging her. It certainly is unhealthy dwelling on things from the past.

Absolutely agree. I hope I can help her a little bit by listening to her never-ending telephone calls and saying 'yes', 'no' and 'really?' when I can get a word in edgeways

Kastanie

duchy wrote: »

Frankly if my MIL had formed an unholy alliance with my mother -with the two of them discussing my methods....and my mother probably saying at some point "and MIL thinks you are wrong too" I'd be livid.

I agree. This stood out to me in your other thread. For all you know, DIL could've had a difference of opinion with her mother about parenting methods and her mother could've said in all innocence "well, uisignolo agrees with me on that". It then looks like you've been discussing her behind her back, even if the comments were quite innocent - but you say she's highly strung, is no doubt highly sensitive to perceived criticism and therefore took it badly.

I agree with posters who say the onus is on your son to ensure good contact is maintained, to say thanks for gifts etc. I expect my partner to do that with my MIL, I trust him to pass on thanks on my behalf but I do think he should phone her way more than he does, however there's a limit to how much I'm going to keep telling him to ring his own mother. :mad:

Perhaps your DIL thinks (rightly or wrongly) your son is not pulling his weight somehow? You never know what's really going on in someone else's relationship. When my SIL gave birth to my niece (note: "my niece", not "her daughter"... ) she was massively sensitive to perceived criticism, wore herself out trying to do everything, didn't say thank you to anyone for gifts or help and so on, but 2 years later she's pretty much back to her normal relaxed self. I remember my mother saying at the time that it "wasn't how she imagined it would be" which is similar to something that you yourself said in one of your posts, OP. Expectations are high all round when a new baby arrives, and if the situation doesn't turn out as envisaged it can be difficult to accept.

Also - things can become really magnified when long distances are involved between families. Obviously it adds extra pressure to sensitive situations. There's such pressure for everything to be perfect throughout the whole visit. Then if it doesn't go to plan it feels so much worse because the visitors have come such a long way, time is limited and precious, they've spent a lot of money getting there, it's a disruption to the routine (even in a good way) etc etc. Actions or comments which might not seem so important if you lived just around the corner suddenly take on massive extra significance. I've lived abroad for a lot of my adult life and I know this to be true!

dandelionclock30

That about the tin of soup and her refusing to feed the OP got me. It was upto her son to have sorted out with his wife and prepared something prefereably together for his parents.
Its really was his responsibilty and what sort of a man carries on like this. It sounds very odd and a bit Mr Beanish, running out for a tin of soup. I mean he is a married man, not a student or a teenager.

usignuolo

Just to add, some later comments about their MILs appear to have got confused with my original ones. At least criticise me for my behaviour not someone else's!

Also just for clarification, we emailed both of them to ask to Skype, and she was the one who replied to say they are too busy. I usually email both of them about family matters, like visits, but have also sent her an occasional email (3 in 6 months) asking how she is and how the children are and sending some UK news, and she has not replied to any of these.

We were staying in a nearby hotel, not with them and had been invited round there to dinner by them. My dil is a a very keen cook and my son said beforehand she was looking forward to cooking for us all as a family. I offered to help but it is a very small flat with a cubby hole kitchen and on other occasions when we ate there she said it was easier for just one person. We did help to lay the table and do the washing up and I offered to do some shopping.

My son works in the US because his firm sent him there, not because he chose to go there, in many ways they would prefer to be in London because that is where they met and where all their friends are. My son has been trying, unsuccessfully so far, to get transferred back to the UK.

Finally when we were there my husband did speak to my son to ask if we had done anything to offend and he insisted we had not. We rather hoped she was just feeling a bit moody that week but there has not been any contact since we got back to speak of, and as I said at the beginning, we wanted to go out and see the baby and were put off.

My husband is the mildest of men and very easy going and is at loss to understand why she could not at least be civil to us, given we see so little of them.

supersaver2

Soleil_lune wrote: »

Are you kidding? She called her son and daughter-in-law's baby her grand-daughter? So what? So would anyone and everyone else! People are really fishing for criticism and insults and put-downs here. Dear God!

And if my MIL suggested a name for a new baby, I may not use it or like it, but would I say 'shove it!?' No. Good grief. If the OP's DIL is anything like you and a few others on here, then she has definitely got a battle on her hands!

Couldn't agree more, the nit picking and criticism of what the OP calls her granddaughter are very bizarre.

Have to say the daughter in law sounds like hard work. Maybe me and my wife are strange, when my MIL buys me a present as the OP did her DIL, I thank her myself, wouldn't expect my wife to thank her (presents for our child could be thanked by either parent). I'm close to my parents and to my in laws. Life is to short for all this rubbish and ill feeling. All this sensitivity over people suggesting names and getting told 'to shove it' it almost feels like I've been reading about a parallel universe, are folk really, honestly that sensitive?

Kastanie

usignuolo wrote: »

Also just for clarification, we emailed both of them to ask to Skype, and she was the one who replied to say they are too busy. I usually email both of them about family matters, like visits, but have also sent her an occasional email (3 in 6 months) asking how she is and how the children are and sending some UK news, and she has not replied to any of these.

Well, in that case her behaviour is just plain rude. If someone speaks to you directly then it is only polite and pleasant to respond directly, even if you can only manage a short message.

As regards the dinner scenario, sounds like they'd had a row before you showed up, simple as that.

To get back to your original question of how you should respond - I would say carry on as you are. It doesn't sound as if you've done anything wrong. Keep sending the emails, news and gifts for the children. That way, if the situation changes for the better in the future, you will be glad you hung in there. If it stays the same, at least you will have a clear conscience that you're doing the right thing and know how to treat people respectfully. Stay positive that your son will be successful in his attempts to get transferred back to the UK. Try to brush off her rudeness and wear her down with niceness!

CRANKY40

I wonder if she's depressed. I break off contact with friends when I'm very depressed. You've just said they'd rather be in London where their friends are, she has two small children and is living in a foreign country.

My good friends kept in touch, texting and leaving answer phone messages even though they never had a reply and once I was well again I made sure they realised how much I valued their support. Some people can't discuss their emotions at a time when it's all going wrong though. I'd say just keep on keeping in touch and rather that trying to blame anyone, keep checking with your son to see if there's anything you can do/send.

FBaby

Not responding to three emails is plain rude. She either respond to tell you that she does not wish to communicate, or she makes an effort.

It's hard to believe that someone who seemed polite and pleasant could turn suddenly rude, so I still think something happened that you are unaware of, hence you need to confront your son again (time has now passed with more awkwardness since your husband asked your son) and make it clear that it will much easier to know what happened so you can clear the air then continue like it is.

ClareTeaches

I've skimmed most of this thread and didn't spot this suggestion, so forgive me if someone's already said this ... Is it possible she's seen your other thread/post about her and your son/grandchildren?