D-i-L cutting us off, no reason, how to respond?

lavandergirl_2

We only know your side of the story, OP.

To be plain rude doesn't make sense if you had a good relationship with her. So something is wrong and you might need to put yourself in her shoes to find out what is the problem.

Skintmama

A sad situation and these are a few of my thoughts:

It is just an impression that I have OP but you don’t come across as liking or approving of your daughter-in-law. If this is the case and she perceives this then it could be particularly difficult for her to tolerate whilst being a new mum of two. If you come across to her as simply being interested in your claims to a relationship with your grandchildren, rather than in valuing her as a person, or having any warmth towards her she won’t really have any incentive to communicate with you other than duty; this she can delegate to her husband.

Perhaps if you keep a compassionate stance towards her and simply continue to send nice chatty emails without expecting replies or appearing to be aggrieved and needy (I am not suggesting you are needy), the atmosphere might thaw. As you say that you used to get on well, hopefully this phase will pass. If it doesn’t, then I would suggest it is possible that your comments to her mother have been relayed to her. Also, please don’t assume thatyour son is being a wonderful and supportive husband and father; he may not be and this could be causing her to struggle and perhaps project anger at him onto you. Others have mentioned PND and despite an easy birth this could still be a possibility.

As regards visiting, having allowed the few months your son suggested to pass already, there would be nothing wrong with you planning your holiday including a short visit to see your new grandchild. Don’t worry aboutit if you get a frosty reception! I am sure if you hang in there being patient and understanding it will all come right in the end.

I do have experience of parents who live abroad and it can be difficult to put our lives on hold when they choose to visit, as they expect a lot of our time because they have come a long way to see us. My husband is pretty good about it but often absents himself or carries on with his own activities; it is primarily my responsibility to host my parents. When his parents visit he spends more time with them, although I do have to do all the cooking and sometimes resent this even though I am very fond of his parents.

Morglin

Well, an old saying used to be:

A daughter's a daughter, all of her life,
And a son's a son til he takes a wife.

And, sometimes, for no reason at all, a person can take a dislike to someone, and nothing will ever change that.

But, as DIL, son and kids live so far away, I can't really see why she cannot make a little effort with you, if just for the sake of the kids.

It's not as if you are going to be on her doorstep every day!

Hope you get it sorted.

Lin

System

A daughter's a daughter, all of her life,
And a son's a son til he takes a wife.

Well I was going to post that saying earlier but didn't. True though.

purpleshoes_2

Judi wrote: »

Well I was going to post that saying earlier but didn't. True though.

I dont think it is true. Some mums have a close relationship with their son even if the son is married or lives with a partner.

And some mums and daughters certainly don't have great relationships.

duchy

Morglin wrote: »

Well, an old saying used to be:

A daughter's a daughter, all of her life,
And a son's a son til he takes a wife.

And, sometimes, for no reason at all, a person can take a dislike to someone, and nothing will ever change that.

But, as DIL, son and kids live so far away, I can't really see why she cannot make a little effort with you, if just for the sake of the kids.

It's not as if you are going to be on her doorstep every day!

Hope you get it sorted.

Lin

Maybe because she simply doesn't want to ?

If my MIL had criticized my parenting methods to my mother -I wouldn't welcome her in my home or make any effort either.

The OP seems oblivious to what a no no this was -which makes me wonder if there were maybe other incidents that she doesn't even remember that led to the DIL saying "She's your mother- I don't have to deal with this" OP sounds quite forthright and the son may well believe that if he tells her why DIL is cutting her she'll want to "put things right" and initiate yet more contact to do so-and he won't just then have an upset Mum in his ear but an upset wife too-and the current situation is currently the lesser of the two evils.

DIL may not be an easy woman - but that doesn't mean she doesn't have the right to feel she doesn't need to be around someone who has undermined her and her parenting choices.

I'd stop nagging at them and simply send regular chatty emails and hope time (and maybe a work transfer) heals. At least one of them is still engaging with you and keeping you up to date with the kids . Some sons would have cut their parents out for disparaging their (joint) chosen parenting methods or upsetting their wife.

Newly_retired

Whatever the reason for what happened in the past, a way needs to be found to move forward, if you are to see your grandchildren and their parents.
Sometimes it works to ignore the past and "assume " that a relationship can be resumed, without revisiting old ground.
On that basis, I would think it is time to contact your son eg by email, copy to DIL, saying you would like to plan a trip, to include a visit to see them, but obviously as before, staying in a hotel. Maybe suggest a couple of dates, and see what he says?
I hope it works.

supersaver2

There seems so much pandering going on with the DIL, even on here (she's depressed, she's close to her parents etc). In my family, the way she has acted would be seen as downright rude. I'm sure we all make comments that aren't that great, but to freeze somebody out, how old is she, 15? I'm a secondary teacher and she quite honestly sounds like a spoilt, moody teenager. My Father in Law made a comment last week about our daughter being up late, I did think at the time 'what's it to do with him?!' but to not talk to him and freeze him out over a silly comment seems like a very OTT way to react

red_devil

People dont always act like we would or we would like them too.

sometimes you just have to muddle on, its hard on the people who want more but what can you do.? We are all different.
families are hard to fathom at times.

duchy

It really doesn't matter what you think though- Your FIL presumably lives a bit nearer to you than NYC and you see him often so any tactlessness is watered down by his better points If you saw him once a year and the first thing he did was tell your your attachment parent was a lot of nonsense.....maybe you too wouldn't be so tolerant.

There's no value in who is "right" or "wrong" just trying to see reasons for reactions on both sides to try and help the OP resolve the situation......and fronting up the DIL (who holds all the cards) and telling her she's acting like a 15 year old ................isn't likely to bring about a happy ending.