D-i-L cutting us off, no reason, how to respond?

Nicki

pollypenny wrote: »

I've just emailed my DIL, just a chatty one, reminding her about the lovely time we had when she was here with DS four years ago. He had to work and we took her around everywhere.

We don't chat as much as we did when she worked from home, so I feel,that the odd email keeps lines of communication open.

Threads like this make me nervous. As I said, I'd break my heart if I couldn't see the little ones.

So you probably wouldn't get caught slagging her off to her mother then looking round with an innocent face saying she was a drama queen for wanting nothing to do with you!

Georgiegirl256

Person_one wrote: »

Its not true though.

Maybe people who have issues like the OP is having might draw comfort from it, but the fact is that there are loads of mothers and adult married sons who have great relationships, and MILs and DILs who get on brilliantly.

Exactly. My husband and MIL are really close, and my MIL and I get on really well too.

lostinrates

Nicki wrote: »

So you probably wouldn't get caught slagging her off to her mother then looking round with an innocent face saying she was a drama queen for wanting nothing to do with you!

Have to say, my parents found such calls from my fil very uncomfortable. The calls were always couched in a caring and polite way, so I've been told, but there is no doubt it is one of the reasons I keep my distance now ( and my parents, NOT shy violets, did not send change of address cards when they moved). Similarly, the Chinese whispers through dh's family that got back to him/me through relatives I am still in touch with. I am VERY careful not to reply or correct and just say ' oh well, it is how it is, So, how is the weather with you now?' Or something, because I will NOT fuel the fires even by 'correcting' something with my side of the story when it really doesn't matter so long as DH and his father /siblings maintain a good relationship. Somethings are best just put to bed.

It might be the son is prickly about teasing his character ( his private ness) or the dil is , for example, and they are sensitive the children might feel sensitive to being called something that they feel sensitive to. Who the dickens knows? The point is , OP doesn't know, but there WILL be a reason of some sort, fair or not.

Nicki

lostinrates wrote: »

It might be the son is prickly about teasing his character ( his private ness) or the dil is , for example, and they are sensitive the children might feel sensitive to being called something that they feel sensitive to. Who the dickens knows? The point is , OP doesn't know, but there WILL be a reason of some sort, fair or not.

And to add it isn't necessarily rude of the DIL not to bring out into the open what the reason is, or to be explicit about not wanting contact, as if she were to do this, this could cause even more offence than just taking herself out of the picture without comment whilst allowing the OP to continue to communicate directly with her son.

For those who have said it is rude not to acknowledge OP's emails would they really find this less rude:

Thank you for your email. I am aware of the criticisms you made to my mother of my parenting and have no wish to correspond with you. Please arrange any future contact with the children via his extreme privateness

any less rude? Or do they think the DIL must endure the OP for politeness sake even if she despises her for the OP's own behaviour?

justme111

This thread is a good illustration to how catty and problematic women can be.
Op , the very headline of your thread is very telling. She obviously has a reason , whether it is valid or not is another issue. You saying that she does not is telling... What does it tell ?- think about it.
To reply your question - continue living yur life , sometimes people don't want to to deal with us for whatever reason . Be happy your son is fine with you , keep your distance with DIL and don't count on her dinners .

Person_one

lostinrates wrote: »

It might be the son is prickly about teasing his character ( his private ness) or the dil is , for example, and they are sensitive the children might feel sensitive to being called something that they feel sensitive to. Who the dickens knows? The point is , OP doesn't know, but there WILL be a reason of some sort, fair or not.

That is a very good point. Completely understandable for a parent to want to protect their children from name-calling and teasing when they endured it all through their own childhood.

Fleago

Have I missed something? I've read the thread and I can't find where it is confirmed that the d-i-l knows her mother and OP discussed her parenting skills hence her behaviour towards OP. :search:

Seanymph

Oh come on! If my daughters MIL's spoke to me in that way (or my son's for that matter) I doubt I'd quote them, but I'd make damn sure they knew what was going on behind their backs.

As for the grandparenting thing - I made it clear to all grandparents how we had decided to do certain things with our children - the ones who saw them when they were really little were the ones who carried out our wishes, those that weren't left alone with the children were the ones who did it their own way because they though they knew better.

A silly example - my sister (childless) has dogs - she feeds these spoilt things three times a day.

My mother had them for a week and said to me 'i feed them once a day, stupid fuss she makes of them'.

Now I never repeated that to my sister - but someone did, because my mother wasn't asked again......... and I never trusted her with my children.

I never fed them beef (back in the day) - she thought that was stupid - so when we went to visit she cooked beef pie, deliberately, because she felt they were 'missing out'. We didn't go for dinner again.

The OP can force her views on whoever she likes, but those holding the children (or dogs) make their own decisions - and generally loss of contact is the price you pay for not respecting someone's choices over their own offspring.

lostinrates

Fleago wrote: »

Have I missed something? I've read the thread and I can't find where it is confirmed that the d-i-l knows her mother and OP discussed her parenting skills hence her behaviour towards OP. :search:

No, you haven't.

Its speculation.

But IMO important speculation for op to consider. OP , IMO, is understandably biased. It feels as if she is determined its not her fault. Even when talking about how its left her husband 'at a loss' I pointed out I think its left both of them at a loss, because it think both that her feelings count and that she should consider some potential responsibility.

Initially she declared there was 'no' reason. We're discussing potential reasons and also perhaps suggesting that stories have two sides.

Fleago

I would agree with what you say about two sides to the story and the need for OP to consider what may have caused the apparent rift, lostinrates. However, it appears some posters have gone beyond speculation, have decided what has happened and are basing some pretty strong replies to OP on that. I don't think that that approach is necessarily helpful.